I got outside this slaw–which I washed down with an exceptionally fine hamburger–while watching a cop show called "Without A Trace." This show, which is crappy, is about FBI agents who prance around looking like models and solving missing persons cases.
Last night’s plot featured a perennial favorite: a dozen or so hot Slavic teenage babes kidnapped into prostitution and held prisoner in a warehouse. A popular motif, the scenario allows exotic foreign teenage girls to parade around in lingerie acting slutty-yet-vulnerable.
Yes, the patriarchy loves a virgin whore, and it knows how to victimize’er. In this episode the viewer learns that for six months the girls have been forced at gunpoint to service "ten johns a day." That’s a lotta johns! Don’t forget to make it poignant: "eet was my first time," one of the sex slaves confides to the cop, brushing away a tear. And don’t forget the obligatory shot of a dead hot Slavic teenage babe covered with blood and stuffed into the trunk of a car! In a negligÃ©e she makes a beautiful corpse. Sell it, Natasha!
In the end, the helpless girls are rescued by an heroic male cop. Then, no joke, he drives off into the sunset with his woman.
Even when its theme is not the victimization of child sex slaves for the purpose of reinforcing superannuated patriarchal mores, "Without A Trace" is a truly atrocious show. For instance, the hot Slavic teens were played by 25-year-old American women in pigtails who couldn’t act their way out of a pair of socks, much less with lines like "We teenk we go to Ameddica to shop on Feeth Avenue. Eenstead, we end up here!" And what’s with the name "Without A Trace"? Since of course there’s a trace, otherwise the good-looking detectives would never get to test any semen.
But at least "Without A Trace" doesn’t have subcutaneous photography, or, as my internet friend Becker calls it, "Deep Tunnel Cavity-Cams."