Why wasn’t I informed about H.O.P.E. (Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment)? They’ve been operating for months, maybe years, and I only just found out about it yesterday. What a peach! The group’s beautiful, innocent dream–to rid the planet of mediocrity in pop culture–is both unfeasible and undesirable, but is pretty good pedestrian entertainment, if you like observing that kind of thing.
H.O.P.E.’s initiatives include sending operatives to boo Britney Spears at public appearances, infiltrating the Oscars to hold up a sign reading "THIS IS NEWS?!" and pretty much taking full credit for the implosion of Ashlee Simpson’s career.
Their expressions of rage over the inexplicable celebrity of no-talent hacks certainly evoke an emotional response. Who among us, once we discover that they picket Vin Diesel movies on principle, can resist raising a fist and crying out "you go, girl!"?
But poor H.O.P.E! Here is their tragedy: it is impossible to be an observer, horrified or otherwise, without exchanging particles with the observed (see Heisenberg).
By which I mean, these Horrified Observers are contaminated with the taint of their subject. By which I mean, they are part of the problem.
When "hundreds of people" show up to "protest" a Paris Hilton book signing, or when a petition to rid the world of Ashlee Simpson "has like 118 thousand signatures" and is "getting press from Newsweek," this is exactly the sort of non-news that the Horrified Observers scorn to credit.
Thus, H.O.P.E.’s existence proves that there is no hope, for celebrity is an infinite and unrestrained ouroboros, a sweeping pestilence of amorphous psychic chaos, a glib, sinister paradox that devours truth and beauty and churns out cheap crap in their place. What other condition could produce an angry mob that congregates specifically for the purpose of ignoring people?
Don’t you see? The Horrified Observers must disband! How else will they achieve their goal? I must help them! But, like any tragic celebrity trainwreck, the only way to stop them is to ignore them, and I can’t! I’m just…too…w e a k.