Mar 19 2005

Congress Can Kiss My Entire Black Ass


As you know, because men’s professional sport reinforces tiresome
patriarchal mores, its scandals do not compute in the Twisty brain
without some outside help. I must express my gratitude to eloquent musician/journalist Dean Minderman, who has kindly clarified for me the Congressional Baseball Steroid Hubub. He was even good enough to word the explanation in my native tongue, Lefty Metaphrasery.

Twisty:  My question is, why does Congress give a crap if baseball players take steroids?

Dean: [note the masterful use of the semi-colon–Ed.] Because it’s an issue that allows them to posture & grandstand to no real effect, thereby also diverting attention away from all the other nasty things they are doing, like attempting to dismantle Social Security; authorizing oil drilling in the Alaskan wilderness; rejiggering the bankruptcy laws to make them tougher on consumers; introducing "tort reform" to shield corporations from liability for their misdeeds; and on and on.

Say! Remind you of anything? Like maybe this Terry Schiavo dealio? Here again, a few Republican congressmen have coopted a heartstring-tugging issue for posturing and grandstanding purposes. And this time they have taken the cake, a cliché I do not employ lightly, given my warm and possessive feelings toward cake. Jacking a helpless brain-dead woman is tacky, even for politicians; they’re writing special laws just for her, actually issuing her subpoenas to appear before Congress. What tha?

I’m no fan of marriage, hetero or otherwise, since it is the demonseed of patriarchy (see my  Marriage Blows Chunks post) but as long as you have to have it, how badly do you really want your mostly straight white male senators all up in that shit?

As Americablogger John Aravosis points out, in seeking to nullify Schiavo’s husband’s authority over her fate, they’re injecting a slant that is weirdly contradictory to all their previously pontificated el crappo about the sanctity of marriage Between A Man And A Woman. Apparently, to Tom Delay and Bill Frist, the beloved hetero/patriarchal marriage trope is next to godliness only when it serves a regressive homophobic agenda. If the sanctity of straight marriage gets in the way of deep-pocketed pyschotic Christians’ desire to torture innocents, why, just get an Act of Congress to de-sanctify it!

So look out, straight girls! They’re gonna bust into your hospital room, muzzle your husband, and start performing experiments on your entire black ass!

Just ask the homos. They know.

Addendum: as usual, Wolcott says it all.


  1. Dean

    Were I an egoless Zen master, I could have read this post impassively. Being the imperfect person I am, I am honored & delighted to be not only namechecked but quoted in the TwistyBlog.

    And you (and Wolcott) are absolutely right about the parallel re: Terry Schiavo. I almost appended a rant about that to my post, but I find the whole notion of Tom DeLay and the Congressional Republicans as “protectors of life” so heartbreaking and disgusting that I just can’t think of anything interesting to say about it.


  2. Twisty

    I feel ya, mang. I find the whole notion of practically EVERY governmental antic so heartbreaking and disgusting that I can’t think of anything interesting to say about any of’em. Most of the time I can be found half-bent-over in the middle of the room, clutching my stomach and sputtering.

  3. octopod

    You don’t know who I am. That aside, I just read your entire blog archives, culminating in the “Marriage” piece linked above, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I love you.

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