Mar 20 2005

A Few Dead Serious Remarks On The Preservation Of The American Pizza Pie


Take & bake pepperoni pie from Central Market (augmented at home with onion, bell pepper, and parmesan) exhibits lameness on nearly every level: crust too thick, burned edges, gloppy center, failure to blister. Twisty wept.

A pizza must be the size of a salad plate. Its crust will be between 0.5 and 0.8 cm thick, a little bit sweet, and lightly browned on the bottom. Like any bread worth eating, it will offer some–but not too much–of the gratifying resistance to the tooth that is sometimes referred to as "crispiness."

Pizza is not a vegan dish. I’m sorry, but there it is. The ingredients may vary according to Chef’s whim, but without question will contain at least one species of cheese. Unless it is chèvre, this cheese will be lightly blistered over not less than 30% of its surface area, and of a quality that precludes comparisons to molten rubber.

If the pizza is a Margherita–and let’s face it, it damn well oughta be–the tomatoes will have been drained thoroughly on paper towels prior to baking.

No pizza has ever suffered from the addition of onions.

The gifted pizzateer will recognize as incalculable the value of the decades of pizza research that have preceded her. In this spirit, she will refrain, no matter how great the tempation, from straying too far from established culinary principle, or from mixing culinary metaphors. Few pizzas have ever benefited from sudden iconoclastic impulses, fewer still from Celebrating Diversity.

A pizza must not, under any circumstances,

be frozen
be soggy
be "Thai"
be "Chicago-style"
be deep-dish
involve a Boboli, a bagel, or a baguette
be infested with pineapple, barbecue sauce, or anything "ranch"
come from Domino’s
be rectangular
have chicken on it
weigh 8 pounds
contain provel "cheese"
be "diponomically designed"

Twisty has spoken.


  1. Larry Hosken

    In my web server logs today, I see I got a visit refered by http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=PROVEL+CHEESE+IS+PROCESSED

    The search query was in all caps, as if this person was shouting. Sort of like the guy who shouts “Soylent green is people!”

  2. Twisty

    Hello Larry Hosken. I see by your URL that you are possibly a Californian, and so you may be astonished to discover that in Missouri, where I spent 25 years in exile, provel “cheese” is the official state food. Missouri is also the undisputed puppy mill capitol of the world. Coincidence? I think not. For provel is made by Monsanto entirely out of cute puppies. Which makes your soylent green allusion all the more poignant.


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