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Mar 27 2005

KXAN: Dead Birds Scarier Than Negligee-Corpse-Porn

Grackle

As usual, they did something funny on KXAN last night.

First they showed two hours of "Law & Order." The first hour was "Law & Order: SVU," the show about mutilated women. It will hardly surprise you to learn that this episode employed a popular patriarchy-affirming device: terrified, helpless, beautiful Chinese sex-slaves in Fredericks of Hollywood negligees. This device enables producers on autopilot to merely flip through their catalog of crowd-pleasing misogynist tableaux:

• Bruised-face hottie in negligee, crying? Check.
• Body-bag unzipped alluringly to reveal exsanguinated hottie corpse in negligee? Check.
• Brothel-bust scene with negligee hotties interrupted in act of servicing johns? Check.
• Terrified hottie in negligee getting shit kicked out of her in dark alley, begging for life? Check.

The next hour, "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" had hardly any mutilated women at all, only shots of dead guys who had been "shot point-blank in the face with a 9-mil" by another cop-show staple, the psychotic nebbish. I almost called the network to congratulate them.

Then, because I’m always up for a laugh, I watched the local news. The gripping top story was about a hail storm the day before.They referred to the hail storm as "Mother Nature." Mother Nature had expressed her wrath by killing some birds with all that hail.

Perky young Julie Shields*, one of the Hitler Youths** employed by KXAN to read the news, gravely warned her Law & Order-watchin’, mutilated-women-lovin’ audience: "the video you’re about to see may be disturbing."

My hands flew to my face to shield my delicate eyes, but dang, I peeked. Julie showed us a grackle lying motionless in the grass.

About the only thing more disturbing than a deceased grackle would have been hippity-hoppiting fluffy bunnies.

_______________________________

* She owns a Chihuahua named Peanut
** I do not imply that Julie Shields is a Nazi. I know nothing of her political leanings. I merely observe that, like the overwhelming majority of the talent at KXAN, she is extremely Caucasian.

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