Apr 12 2005

Media Actually Report On This With A Straight Face

Photo of happy wet Mormon teens baptizing Hitler no longer available

Well, the Mormons are going around baptizing dead people again, and if you ask me, they’re really on to something.

Not that these renegade teenage Mormon baptizers aren’t tools. Far from it! Their whole religion is based on a priapic nutjob who had 33 wives and held séances with a magic English-speaking rock he kept in his hat. Taking their cue from the aforementioned crackpot, the Mormon teens are apparently compelled by a weird lunacy to baptize, i.e. enmormon, everything that moves. And, as some Jews have recently discovered, some things that don’t move. Apparently no amount of reason or logic can induce these Mormons to view a person’s soul as his/her own business.

Perhaps the Jews are a little queasy because not only have the Mormons purloined a bunch of Holocaust victims for their team, they’ve added Hitler and the pious Eva Braun to the roster as well.


Somehow I don’t see that bunch getting along too well in the Great Hereafter!

But I digress. My point is that the Mormons have devised an excellent cult recruitment model. Were it to be adopted by all the annoying cults — such as the ones who worship Terri Schiavo or fertilized human eggs or guns — it could confine them to fucking only with the kind of people who won’t much give a crap. Dead people.

In other words, in return for the rest of us looking the other way on their obsessive-compulsive enlistment of the deceased, the religious fanatics would stop trying to pressure Congress into writing insane legislation based on the rantings of ancient ghosts and medieval nutbags. They perform their meaningless rituals, we saunter gaily through life.

It’s a win-win!