Apr 22 2005

A Few Remarks on the Smoking Ban Proposal

ButtsThe Smoking Ban! Onward Austin! Hoo! Ha! What a flap!

If there’s one thing goody-goody fucktards love to do, it’s ban things.

You may ask yourself, can they really be serious? Do they really think that the world will be a better place if they can tell owners of a few scrappy neighborhood bars how to run their business? That total human happiness is just that much closer to reality if they can just make a few harmless drunks cluster around dumpsters in dark alleys to hoot their fags? That banning consumption of a legal substance on private property is the ethical thing to do because some skinny dude with a bicycle and a rock star girlfriend is down with it?

Touchingly, they say “yes.” Yes, they really do give a fuck about the lungs of total strangers. The lungs of total strangers, in fact, trump all other concerns! This makes Onward Austin both saintly and entirely unique in the world, where, as we know, nobody gives a fuck about total strangers, their lungs or their lives or anything else.

George W Bush, for example, said he gave a fuck about the total strangers in Iraq. Their happiness was his special dream! So he sent some 19-year-old kids over there to bomb’em and imprison’em and take naked pictures of’em, and now there’s a civil war.

That’s the big lie of patriarchy. It says: If you just let us tell you what to do, things will be better some day. It’s for your own good.

But have you noticed things getting better? As a species, are we any closer to intellectual liberty and peace and happiness than we were a thousand years ago? A hundred years ago? Is war a thing of the past? Is poverty? Is oppression? Aren’t things, in fact, getting worse? Pollution. Global warming. Peak oil. Unsustainable population growth. "America’s Next Top Model."

See, here’s what I think: What the supporters of the smoking ban really believe in so deeply is not the sanctity of the pink Austin lung, but in patriarchal prerogative: that culturally-sanctioned, keep-a-brother-down option that all patriarchal organizations, such as the medical establishment with which Onward Austin is affiliated, may exercise at their discretion. The patriarchal prerogative says: Go ye, if thou hast nothing better to do, and inflict thy beliefs, no matter how fucktarded, on those less organized than thyselves; tell them it is for their own good, then sit back and count the money.

I reveal no secrets when I say that banning the things people need or want has never done anyone any favors. A ban satisfies only the self-serving philosophical yearnings of the party invoking it.

RatziTake Pope Ratzi, for example (I hate to be looksist, but that’s one creepily-visaged motherfucker), putting the kibosh on fucking and homos and rubbers and stem cells and chicks living full human lives? Who’s he kidding with that shit?

Or how about drugs? Crystal meth, to name but one, is totally pharma non grata, but the ban has been staggeringly unsuccessful in preventing an increase in meth overdoses and burn victims from lab explosions. The government’s brilliant response? Ban cold medicine! The fucktardedly-named War On Drugs has in fact created an enormous underground plutocrimocracy that degrades the entire human species.

Or how about this: currently the US government is in the process of banning the World Heath Organisation from endorsing pills that would prevent the deaths of 68,000 women annually from botched abortions. W is for Women! [thanks Echidne of the Snakes]

Inflicting your beliefs on the masses gives you a great buzz. And it makes you a playa! Of course, that’s not saying much when you’re talking about a world where jokewads like Ann Coulter are also playas.

For what it’s worth, I wish cigarettes had never been invented. But let’s face it: the exhaust from a city bus at a stoplight is worse for you
than a little smoke from a cigarette in a bar nobody has forced you at gunpoint to

1 comment

  1. Kaitlyn

    I agree with smoking bans, only because they piss off my father, and I’m always for that.

    I spent a month in Washington state, where smoking was banned in all stores or restaurants. There was this hole-in-the-wall used bookstore, it would take days to explore, but I couldn’t, because the people there smoked. No ventilation, just smoke. Blech.

    That said, I do see what you’re saying, but I can’t get behind it – I like the idea of checking out a ‘OMG!!! This Memphis restaurant has the best whatever’ without smoke in my face.

    I hate cigs.

    Does a smoking ban force a belief on anyone?

    Unless you believe that they’re not dangerous, I guess.

    I volunteer at the crisis center, and people get so pissed when they’re told they can’t smoke and be seen by the director – she’s allergic, we all hate it, and this is a tiny, cramped building, and Memphis weather prevents open windows nine times out of ten.

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