Apr 30 2005

Profiles in Minionhood: The Penis Police


Meet Robert Talton, delusional Republican bureaucrat. Gaze upon his puffy pink jowls. Behold his vacuous wire-framed stare. Contemplate his insipid, sanctimonious pie-hole. Behind these thick, offensive features is congealed the pea-sized brain of the lowest form of life on Earth: the ignorant bigot.

Robert Talton is a dude out of whom the shit is scared by the idea of abused and neglected children being looked after by couples whose particular combination of X and Y chromosomes do not happen to jive with his interpretation of certain aspects of early Christian mythology.

It all started when some early Christians got their breechclouts in a bunch over homosexuals because they (the early Christians) were keen to preserve their patriarchal social order. Patriarchy is an institution that can survive only through male cohesion, which in turn depends on subordination of women. They knew that if men were allowed to stick it to other men instead of women, the whole dudes-rule system would buckle under the weight of its own internecine melodramas. Policing the penis became a Christian passion.

Fast forward to 21st century Texas. Penis-policing is now Christianity’s #2 hobby, second only to women-hatin’. So apparently the Apostle Paul or some other ancient misogynist homophobic anti-Semite appeared to Robert Talton on a grilled cheese sandwich and informed him that crack babies are better off eating gruel in underfunded state institutions than with a pair of dykes who actually love them. Thus did Penis Policeman Talton amend Senate Bill 6 to include a provision banning gays or lesbians  from fostering children. This amendment would be implemented by renaming the Department of Family and Protective Services "The Queer Inquisition." Another provision would appropriate funding for sewing the pink triangles onto overcoats.

It is unclear why any interpretation of early Christian mythology should be brought to bear on discussions concerning peoples’ fitness to raise orphans. It makes just as much sense to base the Texas foster care system on the Cliff Notes to the works of Shakespeare.

Chump A: I vehemently disagree with you that Hamlet is mad, because in Act I, Scene V, he tells Horatio that he is merely going to feign madness.
Chump B: Hamlet is mad, I tell you! Polonius says so in Act II, Scene ii!
Chump A: Bite me, you anti-Hamlite! Polonius says there’s a method in his madness, which means Hamlet isn’t mad, and anyone who thinks otherwise is clearly unfit to foster a crack baby!

But the basis for state legislation in Texas in the year 2005 is not, alas, foolish interpretations of the works of Shakespeare, but rather foolish interpretations of the works of misogynist homophobic anti-Semites from the Roman Empire chronicling the adventures of a dead Jewish superhero. Although there is no evidence to support them, many Texans base their beliefs on these stories. They are convinced that their unprovable beliefs are more right than anyone else’s unprovable beliefs, and that these unprovable beliefs are especially more right than provable facts. Regrettably, it’s these same uneducated, superstitious throwbacks who often get elected to public office, where they feel compelled to legislate their primitive superstitions.

Thus is Western civilization plagued with miserable fungi like the aforementioned fucktard State Representative Robert Talton, whose name has appeared on no fewer than six bills in two years that would write discrimination into Texas law.

“Quite frankly,” quoth he, his tiny mind gleaming in the sun like a milky cataract in the eye of a blind pig, “I would rather leave kids in orphanages.”


3 pings

  1. GT

    Priceless does not even begin to cover this nail-on-the-head essay. Touche’ and a “you go girl”!!!

  2. Gregor

    Boo-ya and thanks for all the chuckles. Talton is uniquely positioned for the Penis Police because he truely scares the pants off all the liberals.

  1. Burnt Orange Report

    Linking Talton

    It’s hard to think things are funny about Rep. Talton when it comes to his gay parent hating ways, but apparently it can be funny, according to another austin blogger. As a side note, there will be a protest of…

  2. Ray in Austin

    Twisty on Talton

    I Blame the Patriarchy is good good reading: But the basis for state legislation in Texas in the year 2005 is not, alas, foolish interpretations of the works of Shakespeare, but rather foolish interpretations of the works of misogynist homophobic…

  3. 100 monkeys typing.

    Gnab Gib

    Bits and Pieces * Proof that it really does help to get your message out to the masses. * 2000 – 1, Odds this grows any legs. * Texas legislative logic. * Planning a wedding? Think you might get cold…

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