Once a week I cast a grateful eye over Wonkette, not because I get the jokes, but because it provides a measure of relief; professional, wholly-owned subsidiaries of the porn-blog industry generally adhere to higher standards of grammatical and typographical decency than do scrappy unpaid non-tool-of-the-patriarchy bloggers who are so poor they cannot afford spell-checkers. Thus did I observe, appended to a Wonkette post containing the phrase â€œI think it would be hot if you came on my face while I was wearing the Hillary Clinton mask,â€ an ad. The ad was for a show on the Discovery Channel that no one in their right mind, not me and not you, will watch. It’s called "Greatest American." Apparently itâ€™s a sort of popular history version of the E! Channel’s "101 Most Starlicious Makeovers." â€œGreatest Americanâ€ drives around the country in an obtrusive bus and asks plebeians who their idols are. A hundred â€œnomineesâ€ are on the website. They’ll count down to the lucky winner amid generous commercial breaks.
Of the 100 potential Greatest Americans, one is a German (Einstein) and one is a moron (Dr. Phil). The remainder encompasses the usual male supremacist assortment: actors, sports figures, pornographers (boo-yah!), war heroes, and presidents. A tedious exercise, since the trophy is bound to go to Donald Trump. No, wait, Tom Hanks! No wait, Hugh Hefner! Christ, how do you choose from all that greatness?
Oh, wait, there are some women. A whopping nineteen chicks made the â€œGreatest Americanâ€ list. Five are First Ladies (including Hillary Clinton, aforementioned sex-toy inspiration) and seven are entertainers.
That leaves seven, count’em, women who potentially did not have to fuck their way into the American collective consciousness: Amelia Earhart, Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Susan B Anthony, Condi (!), Helen Keller, and Angela Davis.
Kidding! I meant everyone’s favorite old non-threatening black lady, Maya Angelou!
Iâ€™m thinking that if they only have room for 19 women in â€œGreatest Americanâ€–and letâ€™s face it, anything beyond that would mean having to air the show on Lifetime during the afternoon– maybe they could give professional doormat-turned-pottymouth Laura Bush the heave-ho and sneak in someone a little more erudite. It wouldnâ€™t have to upset the male supremacist status quo, it could totally fly under the radar. What about Margaret Sanger? Sanger did more for womenâ€™s liberation than anyone ever has, which of course hurts her case as a Great American, but she was also a big fan of eugenics, which could neatly complement the teeming throng’s xenophobic racism. Or Gloria Steinem? She is both a senior citizen and a prominent feminist–two black marks against her–but let’s not forget her stint as a playboy bunny! Hot! Hot! Or Gertrude Stein! Sure, she was an unfeminine intellectual who lived in Paris, she was also a lesbian. Super-hot!
UPDATE: Off The Kuff thinks this sounds like fun. Chacun Ã son goÃ»t.