Mother’s Day. What a crock.
Yeah, it’s a profit-driven, manufactured holiday, which makes it no different from any other holiday in America, but that’s not even the whole reason it sucks. What really chaps the Twisty hide about Mother’s Day is its full-blown manifestation of the weepy, disingenuous, hypocritical, and highly commercialized sentimentalization of American motherhood. That, and the fact that society has it rigged so that if you say something as astonishing as “Mother’s Day. What a crock,” you are compelled to add, lest you are taken for a monster, “I love my mother.”
I love my mother!
Julia Ward Howe, of “Battle Hymn Of The Republic” fame, came up with Mother’s Day in the mid-19th century as a call to disarm. It was a peacenik thing, Mothers Unite To End War, etc. Guess how long that lasted? It is now about pastel teddy bears and cheap crap jewelry from Wal-Mart.
What does a grown woman want with a pastel teddy bear?
As is the procedure with other holidays, for Mother’s Day Americans lay in an extra-sappy supply of the saccharine they usually reserve for Supporting Our Troops and slather it all over themselves. Garrison Keillor, for example, does a syrupy duet about “God and Mother’s eyes” with someone who sings like Emmylou Harris. The family shoves a trite orchid and an overwrought Hallmark card with glitter-covered flowers at Mom and she gets taken to an overpriced brunch. This is supposed to make up for the important and difficult work she does all year for free in return for which she is marginalized, infantilized, undervalued, judged, blamed, patronized, drugged, overcharged for dry cleaning, beaten, preached to by assholes like Dr. Phil, abandoned, put in a home, or murdered.
By mid-afternoon Mother’s Day has worn off, and Mother is off the pedestal and back in the kitchen. Nobody even tells her that she’s still got glitter stuck to her nose from the cheesy-ass card.
If it weren’t for the greeting card industry, you wouldn’t even be getting the brunch, lady!
Brunch, you will recall, is the worst meal ever invented.