May 12 2005

Selected Readings From The Huffington Post

El capo de Guesto. photo Christopher Guest

After the brisk 10-foot walk from the coffee machine to my desk, I settled in for my first perusal of the Huff-Po. I was hoping to get, as a guy in my midst recently sniffed with no small imperiousness, “political advice from a celebrity” because lard knows a spinster aunt in my position is desperate for political advice. I wanted to read a blog post written by an actor or a supermodel, for I
have oft cried out, “I am an empty sponge! For the love a god, I must
know Jude Law’s take on the Nuclear Option and make it my own!" But I soon realized that I’ve never heard of any of Arianna’s so-called celebrities.

Obviously, I am far less in the know than I ever dreamed possible. Jude Law on the Nuclear Option? No sich of a thang!

Help me, Arianna!

So here’s some dude named Robert Evans. Undoubtedly you have your finger on the pulse of American intelligentsia and are intimately acquainted with the magnificence that is Robert Evans, but he’s news to me. Thanks to Arianna Huffington’s willingness to publish his 17,000-word bio, I now know all I need to know about him: he’s some Hollywood gasbag with a 17,000 word bio. Also, his photo is a cartoon. This means he’s a rebel. His unintelligible post consists almost exclusively of ellipses, and alludes to something he calls “the perennial book of rules,” all of which rules, he says, (but in particular the one that governs the ellipsis) he must more or less constantly break “by purpose,” presumably because he is such a rebel.

And who the hell is Sherry Lansing? I didn’t know before this morning, but now I can proudly tell you that she is another one of those middle-aged cheerleaders who has been stricken with a brilliant new idea for what to do with the elderly, a problem that clearly keeps her up nights. Lansing, apparently writing without irony, wants to put’em to work teaching in the public schools. The “60+ crowd,” she reasons, are so senile and desperate for cash that they will certainly “embrace” this crappy low-paying job teaching creationism to other peoples’ gun-toting, drug-addled kids “in a heartbeat.” Maybe she could get the aforementioned Robert Evans to teach a course on incoherent blogging.

No word on why able-bodied philanthropists like Sherry can’t “sink their [own] teeth” into teaching.

Wait, here’s Christopher Guest! Thank god here’s a real celebrity come to the rescue. His post is entitled “My First Sprout Of The Year.” He includes a photograph of a guitar capo sticking out of the ground. Heady, heady stuff.

Yet I still have questions.

Why do people wear clogs?

And why does all hair conditioner have the look and feel of male ejaculate?

1 comment

  1. Ray

    Answer to #2: Because the patriarchy wants it that way. And that’s all we want you to know about THAT.

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