El capo de Guesto. photo Christopher Guest
After the brisk 10-foot walk from the coffee machine to my desk, I settled in for my first perusal of the Huff-Po. I was hoping to get, as a guy in my midst recently sniffed with no small imperiousness, â€œpolitical advice from a celebrityâ€ because lard knows a spinster aunt in my position is desperate for political advice. I wanted to read a blog post written by an actor or a supermodel, for I
have oft cried out, â€œI am an empty sponge! For the love a god, I must
know Jude Lawâ€™s take on the Nuclear Option and make it my own!" But I soon realized that Iâ€™ve never heard of any of Ariannaâ€™s so-called celebrities.
Obviously, I am far less in the know than I ever dreamed possible. Jude Law on the Nuclear Option? No sich of a thang!
Help me, Arianna!
So hereâ€™s some dude named Robert Evans. Undoubtedly you have your finger on the pulse of American intelligentsia and are intimately acquainted with the magnificence that is Robert Evans, but heâ€™s news to me. Thanks to Arianna Huffingtonâ€™s willingness to publish his 17,000-word bio, I now know all I need to know about him: heâ€™s some Hollywood gasbag with a 17,000 word bio. Also, his photo is a cartoon. This means heâ€™s a rebel. His unintelligible post consists almost exclusively of ellipses, and alludes to something he calls â€œthe perennial book of rules,â€ all of which rules, he says, (but in particular the one that governs the ellipsis) he must more or less constantly break â€œby purpose,â€ presumably because he is such a rebel.
And who the hell is Sherry Lansing? I didnâ€™t know before this morning, but now I can proudly tell you that she is another one of those middle-aged cheerleaders who has been stricken with a brilliant new idea for what to do with the elderly, a problem that clearly keeps her up nights. Lansing, apparently writing without irony, wants to putâ€™em to work teaching in the public schools. The â€œ60+ crowd,â€ she reasons, are so senile and desperate for cash that they will certainly â€œembraceâ€ this crappy low-paying job teaching creationism to other peoplesâ€™ gun-toting, drug-addled kids â€œin a heartbeat.â€ Maybe she could get the aforementioned Robert Evans to teach a course on incoherent blogging.
No word on why able-bodied philanthropists like Sherry canâ€™t â€œsink their [own] teethâ€ into teaching.
Wait, hereâ€™s Christopher Guest! Thank god hereâ€™s a real celebrity come to the rescue. His post is entitled â€œMy First Sprout Of The Year.â€ He includes a photograph of a guitar capo sticking out of the ground. Heady, heady stuff.
Yet I still have questions.
Why do people wear clogs?
And why does all hair conditioner have the look and feel of male ejaculate?