Peeping tom/gynocidal maniac/supermodel Herc prepares to loose his manly prong in a Xena outfit
Because thereâ€™s just not enough white male supremacy kickinâ€™ it old school in my life, last night I watched half an hour of an acutely retarded tool-of-the-patriarchy movie. You may have seen some of it too, before switching for the sake of your digestion to PBSâ€™s super-depressing documentary about the murder of Emmett Till; it was the one with the naked Coppertone hotties emerging in slo-mo from limpid pools, where the noble hero murders his wife and children and the audience is supposed to be sympathetic. I allude to the staggeringly crappy made-for-TV Hallmark movie â€œHerculesâ€ on NBC.
And man-o-man, the dialogue was so stupid and the cast so Aryan and the CGI effects so incompetent I thought it must have been a 60â€™s B movie from the Harryhausen school, but no, it turns out the thing is a 21st century B movie from the Asinine school.
Which would explain why all the female characters are catty, conniving assholes-cum-stone fox sperm receptacles, whereas all the male characters are gleamingly noble and heroic and bellicose and lovable despite their endearing mythic Greek flaws. In our time, as in all other times, misogyny is In!
Because it so sweepingly and bogusly reinforces the essentialness of patriarchy, I want to know how any woman could watch this movie and not want to throw up. But Kay McFadden of the Seattle Times is ostensibly a woman, and the worst she has to say about it is that Herc is a â€œstud-muffin.â€ She urges her readers to watch â€œHerculesâ€ even though it means forgoing the moving series finale of one of The Establishmentâ€™s best-loved infomercials, â€œEverybody Loves Raymond.â€ As though there were some perceptible philosophical difference between the two. Like, "Don’t eat that tacky Kraft American Single! Have the Velveeta instead!"
The lead female character in â€œEverybody Loves Raymond,â€ incidentally, is that epitome of domestic fantasy, a beautiful woman who, for reasons never made sufficiently clear, is married to a homely, dimwitted man who behaves like a child and has ogres for parents. The hilarious results are–youâ€™ll never guess!– that the sensible housewife yells at the infantile husband all the time! In her spare time, the actress who plays the housewife shills for beauty products. If the E! Channelâ€™s â€œ101 Most Starlicious Makeoversâ€ is to be believed–and why shouldnâ€™t it be, since unlike the New York Times or CBS or Newsweek, the E! Channel adheres to the highest journalistic standards–this actress famously underwent about 59,000 different cosmetic surgeries in order to become the sort of regular housewife who can sell sexy hair color.
As to whether a woman who is as ordinary-looking as doofus Ray Romano could pull in $1.8 million per sitcom episode, current Twisty Institute research indicates: no way, Jose!
Meanwhile, Kay McFadden of the Seattle Times is not the only columnist for whom sexist stereotypes are no problemo. Terri Grossâ€™ own David Bianculli thinks â€˜Herculesâ€œ sucks, but he inexplicably labors under the impression that it is presented from â€œa largely feminist perspective.â€
Sure, Dave, if by â€œfeministâ€ you mean â€œRambo meets Bob Guccione.â€
So, bite my left one, NBC. Xena could totally take Hercules in a knife fight.