May 22 2005

Texas State Senate Royally Screws 10% Of Population


Chanteuse-turned-gay-sexpert Mary Ann Markarian, who informed the state senate that homosexuality is illegal in Texas, relaxes casually on the bank of the River Styx with Jesus and two red-headed step-children

 Quelle surprise, the Texas State Senate has passed HJR6, otherwise known as the Gay Hate Bill. It’s the gay-hatin’ sensation that’s sweepin’ the nation! HJR6, which bans gay marriage, is vile on countless levels, one of the most idiotic of which is that gay marriage is already illegal in Texas, and one of the most sickening of which [via PinkDome] is that it’s such a beloved slice of Wonderbread in The Aryan Brotherhood’s loaf (remember the killer attack dogs?), and one of the most disenheartening of which is that this will be the first time a specific group has ever been pointedly earmarked for public scorn by the Constitution.

Gay marriage, you will recall, would be just and fair. But legislators are duty-bound to divert attention from their failure to do any actual good in the world. What to do, what to do? Wait! I know! No cheap ploy rouses the ultraright rabble like a spot of gay-bashing! An ancient sport, always a crowd-pleaser! In most cases the pleased crowd in question are unable to coherently articulate what really tighties their whities about homosexuals, but do they seem to grasp, however vaguely, that their beloved jesusbag patriarchy can’t survive if people are allowed to go around making personal decisions willy-nilly, without paternalistic state intervention, about penis placement.

According to In The Pink Texas, testimony in the Senate committee by "Mistress of the Dark" Mary Ann Markarian, a woman who has clearly inhaled more than her share of dicksmoke, breathed new life into the Art of the Asinine with this stunning remark:

"The average male homosexual has hundreds of sex partners in his lifetime – 43 percent of male homosexuals had 500 or more partners. If homosexuality is legalized in Texas, it will increase and it will grow, sending the wrong message to our schoolchildren. Deaths will increase because of different diseases.”

Sex sex sex. Dude, I’ve had it up to here with sex as the pandemic human idée fixe. Were you aware that, in Ohio, inserting a tampon is “sexual conduct”?* Male supremacists dream of nothing but rutting. They’re either trying to do it themselves or trying to keep other people from doing it, or doing/not doing it and lying about it, or trying to buy it or sell it or videotape it, or blowing the whistle on people who aren’t supposed to be doing or buying or selling or videotaping it, or telling people who aren’t doing it that they are doing it, or telling people who are doing it that they’re doing it wrong.

People who dare not to be obsessed with it have to join support groups.

It’s a prong-or-be-pronged world.

* via 100 Monkeys Typing


  1. yankee transplant

    This is brilliant.

  2. Twisty

    You are kind, Yankee.

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