Jun 13 2005

Open Letter To People Who Make Sandwiches In Restaurants

[In this spot there used to be a photo of the so-called Green Turkey Sandwich from Marye’s in Westlake, which was a ball of wadded-up turkey roll, avocado, and bacon between two slices of white bread, but it didn’t make it when I converted to WordPress. Sorry.]

My views on turkey sandwiches in general are already on record, so I won’t go into all that.

Why? Why must you wad up the meat into a fat little puck? Nobody wants that fat little puck. It creates an inferior sandwich, that meat puck surrounded by a vast desert of bread. Nothing elicits a wheeze of despair at lunch like a sandwich registering impossible bread-to-meat ratios at every cross-section. Do you see what I’m driving at? Do you grasp the big picture? When we are presented with the puck, we have no recourse but to go in there and manually depuckify, essentially re-making the entire sandwich. It defeats the whole purpose of paying somebody else to make it. In addition, we get mayonnaise on our hands.

Where will it end?


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  1. deja pseu

    Oh.My.God. You’ve just hit on my biggest food peeve, the Puck (or as I refer to it, the Lump-O-Meat or Badly Engineered Sandwich). Nothing in the food universe pisses me off more royally than a sandwich that is constructed so that it either falls apart when you pick it up, or has to be “reorganized” to maintain structural integrity. If I wanted to eat with a knife and fork, I would have ordered something else, dammit!

    Also loved your turkey sandwich post. I swear, we grew up in the same family!!!!

  2. Twisty

    Ah, so that was you! My sister and I often wondered who that mysterious other kid was, hiding in the shadows, despairing of the ceaseless turkey sandwiches.

  3. alphabitch

    Yesterday I went down to the deli and got a pastrami and swiss cheese sandwich, with hot mustard, on a whole wheat sub-like thingy. I got back to my desk and disassembled it, placing all the fillings on half the bread, which was actually the most lame-ass excuse for whole wheat bread ever. But it got me thinking about why in the bloody fucking hell do they do that, anyway?

    I didn’t come up with an answer, but the sandwich was OK, and the pickle was pretty good. Oh, and the chocolate milk was great.

  4. Twisty

    It is a great tragedy when people entrusted with the solemn duty of lunch engage in such wanton dereliction.

  5. Lil

    Why are you eating meat? I don’t condemn all instances of meat-eating, but you’re a sophisticated feminist – how about some animal and food politics concsiousness.

  6. Twisty


    As a former vegetarian, I can certainly appreciate your question. Unfortunately, experience has shown that whatever effort I may make to explain my nutritional habits to vegetarians rarely meets with satisfaction on either side; I adhere to what is possibly an overly complex set of philosophies when it comes to important things like The Meaning of Life and Dinner, but the upshot is this: I was a vegetarian for years. It didn’t suit me.

    However, I am not, I like to think, entirely without street cred on the critter/fodder front. Hopefully this excerpt from my environmental consciousness resume will ease your mind a bit. I

    • strongly support local organic farming and buy local produce whenever possible
    • buy free-range, “humane” meats or none at all
    • support the boycott of the overfished Chilean “sea bass” and other long-line species
    • employ snails, wasps, and geckos to control the insect population at the Twisty Compound
    • decline to contribute personally to human overpopulation
    • have several friends who are cows
    • administer a government-approved wildlife preserve in the Texas hill country where I currently manage for white tailed deer, assorted small mammals, and over 100 species of kick-ass birds, including (she said self-righteously) the celebrated and endangered golden-cheeked warbler. Next year I hope to add bats.

    I recycle, too!

  7. Neil the Ethical Werewolf

    As an Ethical Werewolf, I approve of your food choices. I accept a threefold division of Meats much like yours.

    I also share your anti-puck view.

  8. res publica

    They do the puck thing to make the sandwich taller and fuller-looking. It’s just one more greedy capitalist rip-off, so I think it’s safe to say that we can blame the patriarchy for meat-pucks.

  1. Joe's Dartblog

    Badly Engineered Sandwiches

    They annoy me, and probably you, too. Uneven sauce distribution, inadequate bread girth, mismatching the top and bottom of a bun, over-localized pickle application, condiments precariously close to the fringes, interior build structure such that grippi…

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