Jul 07 2005

Mr. T vs. the Safeway Artisan

The actual confrontation between Mr. T and my lunch

I pity the fool who eats one of these tuna sandwiches from Randalls, which is the Austin name for a Texas supermarket chain that calls itself “Tom Thumb” in Dallas and Houston. Whatever; they’re all Safeways, and a Safeway by any other name would suck as hard.

Safeway tuna salad is comprised of fish-flavored mayonnaise and pickle relish. The photograph of Mr T’s adversary, which is the actual sandwich I tried to eat earlier today, fails to adequately capture the stunning mushiness of the so-called “artisan” bread.

Artisan, my ass. Does anyone even know what an artisan is anymore? Has the word “artisan” become synonymous with “Hobart mixer the size of Guam in an industrial complex next to a toxic waste dump that mixes Kleenex and lake water and bread-colored food coloring into a disgusting paste”?

My god, you wouldn’t think it possible to even dream up bread this bad, let alone mass-produce it and inflict it on the general sandwich-eating public. 

What was I doing buying a tuna sandwich at Safeway? I wish I knew. I wish I knew.


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  1. norbizness

    Holy mackerel, I don’t remember that episode of The A-Team. I think that he’s red with embarrassment that that crazy fool Murdoch fooled him into buying that shit.

  2. deja pseu

    Heh. Here we have the Safeway iteration known as Von’s selling the same crappy “Artisan” bread. Thank Maude for LaBrea bakery! Rosemary/olive bread…mmmmmmm!

  3. Sara

    Randall’s blows a big one. They’re lacking in basic grocery necessities–like a decent fruit and bread selection–but still have really bizarre luxury or foreign items, like canned sag paneer.

    I do like their frozen pasta, though.

  4. Twisty

    They also do not stock Playtex Non-Deodorant Tampons in XL, or Glad Cling Wrap. And the wine section at the Bee Caves store! I get a cheap wine headache just passing by it. Thank god for Central Market. It costs a little more, but I’m worth it.

    Canned sag paneer! I bet that’s a taste sensation.

  5. Emma

    Wait. Deodorant tampons? Surely that is some kind of hideous joke!

  6. Tony Patti

    “They also do not stock Playtex Non-Deodorant Tampons in XL” aka “The Devil’s Little Cotton Fingers”

  7. Twisty

    Emma, do you mean the Brits are not obsessed with the prevention of “feminine odor”? Great Scott!

  8. Twisty

    Tony, isn’t Devil’s Little Cotton Fingers a band name?

  9. Mandos

    I believe it is actually a Landover Baptist article.

  10. Emma

    Twisty, I had a look at the UK and American Tampax sites. (I don’t think we have Playtex, although I always go for the same brands, so I may be missing out on a feminine hygiene revolution). You have vastly more sub-brands than we do, including ‘Pearl’ and lots of deodorised thingys that are unknown to us.

    The whole “Ladies, make sure your trout isn’t too whiffy” movement is only starting to catch on here, and has only expressed itself through the means of feminine wipes and dedicated shower products. Personally, I think that if soap and water can’t keep you satisfactorily fresh, you should nip along to either your local GUM clinic, or your shrink.

  11. misspinkerton

    I lived in Houston for seven years, and I saw plenty of Randall’s (as Kroger, H.E.B., Albertson’s, etc.) but never a “Tom Thumb.”

    (totally random comment. I’m usually more relevant.)

  12. JRoth

    Oddly, perhaps the very best bread widely-available here in PIttsburgh is made in an industrial park by the highway out to the airport. I keep waiting for their bags to reveal an address change, but they insist on boggling my mind by making crusty, seedy, flavorful loaves out in exurban hell.

    Although there are abandoned industrial detritus nearby, so maybe that’s where they get their street cred….

  13. Twisty


    I grew up in Dallas, where there are Tom Thumbs-a-plenty, but I have never grocery-shopped in Houston. I blame my anonymous source for any inaccuracy.

  14. Kenzie

    I suppose it would be totally pointless at this late stage in the game to point out that playtex tampons are made of rayon, not cotton? No judgement of said materials is intended by this comment, merely factual accuracy.

  15. Pinko Punko

    I think this or another Mr. T thread was the very first post I read at IBTP. It seemed like yesterday not over two years ago. Thanks, TF, for being TF.

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