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Jul 13 2005

Two Things

Drbuttmunch_1

Pussy refurbisher Dr. Jason, in his office

About 976 assorted spinster-auntly duties have kept me from composing my usual incisive patriarchy-blaming essay today, but here are a couple of quick things that are currently chapping the Twisty hide.

1. I overheard on NPR when I accidentally turned on the radio again (I am having the damnedest time breaking my NPR habit, but it must be done!) that the candidates W is considering for the Supreme Court span the absolute gamut of human experience: “judges, non-judges…Laura gave me some good advice yesterday, which was to consider women.” That’s because W Stands For Women!

2. A propos of yesterday’s female genital mutilation vs. plastic surgery thread, I bring you, courtesy of Knotted Knickers, the jaw-droppingly sadistic Designer Laser Vaginoplasty. I invite you to scrutinize the countenance of the gynecologist/pyschopath who performs these mutilations, and ask yourself, “is this the face of a man who should be anywhere near my pussy with a laser?”

For one thing, the dude is a dude, and I don’t care what anybody says; in a patriarchal society–which, let me refresh your memory, is a society more or less built on the fetishization of female genitalia–any dude who springs out of bed one fine morning to declare “I will be a gynecologist, by Jove!” is precisely the sort of person who should be confined in an asylum.

And he’s not just a dude, he’s a dickwad. Why? Well, he thinks nothing of hacking off chunks of the women who “bring us Playboy and say they want to look like this.” Or, because no whore can ever be too virginal, he can sew on a new fake hymen "as if nothing ever occurred." And of course, most vaginas need a good tightening! The fact that he advertises this crap as “gynecological procedures” rather than "elective surgery to conform to the patriarchal porn mandate" is just fucktarded.

31 comments

2 pings

  1. norbizness

    Can he deck it out with lavender neon trim like that low-riding Honda Civic that I saw on East Oltorf?

    And I’m going to refer that dude to Dr. von Schmerzwelder, pioneer in the art of Laser Facial Shine Reduction.

  2. anonymous

    I plan to have, not laser surgery, but actual, functioning laser beams. Installed, yes, within my innermost ladyparts. Thus outfitted in leading edge military hardware, I will be an unstoppable force against would-be rapists, genital mutilators and creepy gynecologists like this Dr. Jason chap. Although it’s more likely that I’ll mostly use them to casually julienne people who annoy me slightly on the bus.

  3. Twisty

    First, Norby disses my ride. Next, Anonymous rips off my idea for the ultimate patriarchy-blaming cyborg apparatus. I swear, if it weren’t for spandex, I wouldn’t bother to get out of bed some mornings.

  4. larkspur

    OMG, I want ladybit-lasers, too! We should all make appointments with Dr. Jason for laser surgery, and then, during the initial consult when it becomes clear that no lasers will be implanted, we should stomp out of the office, file complaints with the Medical Board, and sue his heretofore un-reconstructed ass for negligent infliction of extreme emotional distress. And false advertising.

    (Also? Norby, I drive a 1988 Honda Civic. I do not understand how it could be made lower riding. I think you must be pulling my firm yet supple leg again.)

  5. Former Jose

    The Playboy quote is pretty bad … but to truly gain knowledge of the true horror of this man, y’all have to go to the site. It wasn’t any one sentence I can point to, but the overall experience was truly icky. Bleh.

  6. Twisty

    Hey Larkspur, check this out. And this.

  7. norbizness

    Game, set, and match. He’s kickin’ it Corpus-style, and that’s cool. And don’t forget the tiny little low-rider Mazda pick-up trucks (that would shoot sparks out of the undercarriage if it hit a small rock) with the phrase “Caught Ya Lookin’” stenciled on the rear windshield (I am not making this up).

    Say, I wonder if that last phrase could be tattooed on a rejuvenated vagina by Dr. Jason with his Magic Lasers?

  8. larkspur

    Thanks, twisty.

    That Kandy Apple Red one boasts a “suicide trunk”. Jeez. I have to get out less.

    Before I go to Dr. Jason, I’d temp-tattoo on my bits: “If you can read this, you’re too close“.

  9. Anonymous

    “If You Can Read This, You’re Too Close.”

    This is MUCH better than “My Vagina is an Honor Student.”

  10. res publica

    Okay, because of that picture, I am now forced to worship you.

  11. manxome

    Vulvar Lipoplasty can remove unwanted fat of the mons pubis and upper parts of the labia majora. Liposculpturing can alleviate the unsightly fatty bulges of this area and produce an aesthetically pleasing contour.

    Tell me, do these pants make my mons pubis look fat?

  12. Mandos

    This is gross, but I dunno about maligning all male gynecologists. I’m not even an MD and not planning to become one any time soon, but it seems to me that most aspects of medecine are 100% about suffering. I mean, how much more morbid and gloomy can you get then being an oncologist? The only aspects of medecine that have even a little bit to do with pleasure itself are urology/andrology and gynecology.

    But Ob/Gyn has a bonus: childbirth. I guess just like some women don’t want to get pregnant ever, some men want to be pregnant all the time, and the only way to do that is by proxy. Hence, male ob/gyns. The usually mostly happy part of the hospital, so to speak.

  13. Kate

    The laser lady-bits thing is like vagina dentata times a gazillion.
    As an aside, I once went to a gyno called Dr. Tooth.

  14. sylvanite

    Does anyone’s mons pubis look fat? What the hell is this guy talking about? Unsightly bulges? Tell us a little more about how much you hate and fear women. Don’t hold back!

    Also, perhaps I can make my Metro into a cool low-riding scrape. I’ve been thinking of painting flames on the hood, at the very least.

  15. Samantha

    This post makes me love you more, Twisty.

    Special mention for the hilarious “art of Laser Facial Shine Reduction” and “do these pants make my mons pubis look fat?”

  16. Kyra

    Umm, it bears pointing out that the hymen-repair surgery you made fun of is often literally life-saving for women who come from restrictive patriarchal cultures in which pre-marriage sex (or even being raped) is a death-sentence crime. You should be blaming the culture (patriarchy, that is) which makes it necessary, rather than dissing the surgery itself.

  17. Yatima

    I definitely want the vagina-mounted lasers. That’d teach the patriarchy to fuck with me! BZZT!

    In other news, I heart my male OBGYN, who picked up a subtle thyroid condition that I think most doctors would have missed, and who could well have saved my baby’s life. W00t! Mandos is right; some men just love kids.

  18. Baubo

    ‘Question:
    Ever since I had my last baby, I felt left out of sex. Will the surgery change this?

    Dr. Jason:
    It is possible that your partner has had similar feelings. Delivering your baby stretched out your vaginal walls much like an overstretched rubber band. Therefore both of you were not as stimulated during lovemaking’

    WTF?

  19. ae

    Twisty, I have got to know where I can get the Vagina Lasertata 3000. No labia should leave home without it. Says so right there in the 2nd Pudendment.

    My temp-tattoo would read: 1 billion served.

    Or maybe: It’s hard work.

  20. Thomas

    “If You Can Read This, You’re Too Close.”

    This is MUCH better than “My Vagina is an Honor Student.”

    Best. Tattoo. Ever.

  21. Twisty

    Hey Kyra, I think it’s pretty obvious that a) I don’t advocate killing women by witholding lifesaving medical treatment and b) that I do, in fact, blame the patriarchy. I mean, ask anyone. I sit around blaming the patriarchy all day long.

    I also think it’s pretty obvious that this Jason knob isn’t operating on Muhktar Bibis of the world, very few of whom can make it out to Long Island for a hymen refurb. For which I also blame the patriarchy.

    So, to recap: I agree that surgeries don’t fuck women; patriarchies do!

  22. Ron Sullivan

    Vagina Lasertata 3000

    Oh boy, this beats the Levenger’s catalogue! I want one! What a picture — just do the Sharon Stone Maneuver, and ZORK! PFZZZT! POOF!

    Makes me want to dig out the skirts in the back of the closet. And I guess it would be less… unsightly than teeth. And easier than brushing daily. Maybe less fun though.

  23. BritGirlSF

    Another tattoo idea.
    “It’s not that my vaginal walls are too stretched out, it’s that your dick is too small”

  24. bitchphd

    Apropos of very little, I once had an ob/gyn who was a post-op mtf transsexual.

  25. Twisty

    Show-off!

  26. Steph

    Sounds like those OB/GYN’s who offer to “sew you up a few extra stitches” to make you nice and tight for your husband after you give birth.

    So nice of this “doctor” to give women more body-angst. Does he provide an enhanced camel-toe package too?

  27. Anonymous

    http://www.femdefence.info/index2.html

  28. Twisty

    Here’s a post I wrote on FemDefense last spring.

  29. Ancrene Wiseass

    I love you, Twisty!

    And I want the laser implants, too.

  30. CafeSiren

    Twisty,

    Just found your blog today, and am currently sending waves of love, laughter, and gratitude from SoCal… where, sadly, we’ve had “Vaginal Rejuvination Surgery” for far too long. Personally, I think that any man who has access to a vagina of any kind, no matter what it looks like, oughtn’t be complaining.

    But, there’s more: http://thegshot.com/

    IMNSHO, if a woman is even contemplating this, it’s because someone ain’t holding up their end of the deal.

  31. Jenny

    Hey twisty,

    I was referred to your website today by by professor (Max). Here is another dude hoping to add to our genital shame.

    http://www.drmatlock.com/dlv.htm

    Check it out. You can finance your little vaginoplasty as well as get your nose, and breaasts fixed. How disturbed to men have to get to believe that they know what my vagina should look like. Hey if you don’t like the how it looks then stop staring.

  1. Pandagon

    Well, it’s not asshole-bleaching, but it’s still pretty scary

    Via I Blame the Patriarchy, the scariest “vaginal rejuvenation” website I think I’ve ever seen. “Rejuvenation” for those of you who were blessedly unaware is a euphemism for slicing and dicing and sewing, sometimes on the theory that all that…

  2. blog alice

    vaginal modification to suit the man whose wife’s unmodified orifice can’t

    via pandagon and i blame the patriarchy

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