Brazil: birthplace of the glabrous clam
At Feministing, my one-stop feminist-outrage-shop, I read about a Missouri state Senate bill that would prevent 13-year-old girls from getting Brazilian bikini waxes without a note from Mummy. [Hereâ€™s the source article, written, it turns out, by my old boss Randall Roberts–hi, Randy!–who writes â€œ[The bill] will take immediate effect–so expect teenagers to soon be racing to waxing salons in time for the summer nookie season.â€]
Without question, state senate bills that focus their greasy attentions on the pubes of adolescent girls always have some putrid patriarchal ulterior motive. Enviously noting that last spring the colorful Texas State Senate made the Daily Show by passing the beyond-idiotic Sexy Cheerleader Bill (in Texas, teen pregnancy and VD are always the result of sexy cheerleading, and by gum, weâ€™ve put a stop to it!), sleazebag Missouri legislators are obviously looking for an excuse to sit around and shoot the breeze about nubile pudenda, possibly parlaying their prurience into face-time with Stephen Colbert. They should totally shove this bill up their ass.
But Jesus Christ! What 13-year-old girl needs a Brazilian? The whole point of the procedure is to make old batsâ€™ pussies look like theyâ€™re 13; what does this do to a girl whoâ€™s already 13? Turn her into a zygote?
I am adamant that people be free to shave, chop or otherwise alter themselves to their heartsâ€™ content. But everybody would benefit from an examination of the motives behind the alterations. Because, according to my extensive clinical research, 99.9% of the time the motivation for painful or tedious or time-sucking bod-mods is the appeasement of patriarchal authority.
Which is the last thing we should be encouraging 13-year-old girls to do.
In fact, nookie season or not, the notion of 13-year-old girls sprinting around town getting waxed on the sly is icky. Like, how about hygiene? Who exactly is doing the waxing? And who but a perv could be pro-adolescent-beaver-buffing? Yififififif!
Personal sovereignty is a fine thing for adults, but pubescent girls require the gentle parental hand to lockâ€™em the hell up when necessary. They arenâ€™t mature enough to enjoy unbridled liberty, at least not while they are the fetishized objects of a misogynist culture. With the Brazilian, theyâ€™re mimicking adult behavior, but how can they possibly grok the fullness of all the submissiveness and conformity and capitulation to white male supremacy that the behavior entails? In other words, the full horror of their situation as members of the sex class has not yet sunk in. They donâ€™t have all the information to make intelligent decisions. If intelligent decisions are even possible when youâ€™re 13.
Did I really just write â€œgrok the fullnessâ€? Jesus H. Next thing you know Iâ€™ll be sporting around in a Klingon suit at a fucking Star Trek convention.