Now can you please disect my new personal hatred, the left behind series (books so bad they don’t deserve capitalization tm.)???

I leafed through this very issue in my chiropractor’s office (next time, I’m going with the copy of “Pat the Bunny” lying next to it), and I saw the article with tips for talking to your man. After reading it, I was depressed, because I knew that all this stuff will probably *work* on most men.

My next thought: women (mostly hetrosexual women) infantalize men by taking such “tips.” If we have to deal with men who can’t live without this shit, it’s because we never demand more of them. And if we do, they will find someone who won’t. What keeps most het women locked into this self-destructive mug’s game? The fear of (get ready) ending up a spinster aunt.

The best two options for the patriarchy-opposing het female? IMO:

1. Hold out for the exceptional patriarchy-opposing het male who respects a woman with a backbone.

or

2. Embrace the joys (and there are many) of spinster aunthood; refuse to buy into the cultural expectation that your life is a failure unless you are paired off.

One and two may be productively combined, if you wish.

Because that is pretty much the tips are saying. Men don’t want a women who thinks- they want a women who acts as a robot!

Twisty, once again you have brilliantly identified and analyzed a disturbing aspect of the patriarchy. And made me come that much closer to saying to hell with men completely…oh wait, I can’t say that can I? I exist only to cook, clean, and fuck…..

1. Don’t try to talk to him during football season.

She’s not supposed to talk in the entire duration of football season? Even when there’s no game on at the time? What about men, such as myself, who despise football? What are they going to do during football season when their significant other refuses to speak to them? It’s bad enough that there’s nothing on TV.

2. If he tries to cook, get out of the kitchen until it’s time to clean up.

Yes, because no men know how to cook. There are no male cooks at any restaurants. Men don’t even know what the kitchen is, other than “the place that the wife spends all her day in”.

3. Don’t be argumentative.

Even when he’s demonstrably false, you should just accept it. He’s The Man, after all. “I know that he is a truly great and good man, for he told me so himself…” (Random, mostly irrelevant Gilbert and Sullivan reference)

4. Admire him for being tough.

And if he’s not, pretend he is. He’s The Man, after all.

5. Shut up.

Yeah, know your place, woman!

6. Acquaint yourself with the career of Peyton Manning.

Who?

7. “Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct…in boxing this is called rope-a-dope.”

See #3.

8. Rent a Steven Seagal movie.

Ew. They really don’t think much of my gender, do they?

9. Accept that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is one of his favorite things.

And that he’s spent more time in the last month masturbating to it than he’s spent actually talking to you.

10. If you want him to fix the shower drip, whatever you do don’t nag; instead, remove the shower head, bring it to him and say “uh-oh, stupid me, I tried to fix it myself but now the drip is worse!” Then offer to bring him his power drill.

Yes, heaven-forfend you should actually ask him, straight-up, to do something. No, you have to manipulate him like the scheming little wench you are.

11. If you want to comfort your man, don’t try to soothe him with a home-baked pie; for the lovagod, tell him how powerful he is.

“Oooo, you’re my big stwong teddy-bear.” Excuse me, I think I just contracted diabetes from writing that.

The common theme in these tips is that all men are slime and women should just learn to accept it instead of attempting to find a more fulfilling relationship. It’s disgusting.

And I have a soft spot for her, patriarchy-enabling aside.

You know what’s most hellacious about this? Many of her fans probably think she does subvert the patriarchy. OK< they wouldn’t put it that way, but I bet they think she’s a “strong woman,” and presume that her magazine will help them to be one, too. And they couldn’t be more wrong!

Is that a patriarchal thing for a guy to say?

No. Anyone who hates the patriarchy (and I do) would instantly recognize O for the vile, Man-serving dreck it is, and anyone who doesn’t needs a serious infusion of matriarchy.

Hey, Twisty, maybe you need to advertise in O! Lure in the unsuspecting herd, and show them the light! At least warn them of the dangers of grocery store takeout!