The Virgin Mary to Wisconsin legislators: "Screw those hoes. Screw’em good."
The current craze for pretending that certain kinds of knowledge do not exist, for the purpose of promulgating antediluvian godbag superstitions about â€œBaby Jesusâ€ or â€œCreationâ€ or â€œThe Virgin Mary,â€ is chapping my hide almost as hard as the current infestation of Austin-based singer-songwriters who continue to employ the overwrought phrase â€œIâ€™m down on my knees!â€ and then rhyming it with â€œpleaseâ€ (but never â€œcheeseâ€) in their trite masterworks, and that goes double if the singer-songwriter also tries to yodel. The godbags are completely insane with no hope of a cure, sure, but one could argue that itâ€™s because theyâ€™ve drunk the Kool-Aid and now canâ€™t help it. Whereas lame poetry accompanied by acoustic guitars is an entirely preventable atrocity. Whatâ€™s more, itâ€™s never art, and itâ€™s rarely entertainment, and of course yodeling should never be attempted by anyone whose cousin is not also her brother.
But I suppose mocking crappy songwriting will have to wait. What Iâ€™ll be drinking myself into a stupor over today is the recent University of Wisconsin ban on birth control (as seen on Alas A Blog and Bitch. Ph.D). This stunningly fucktarded piece of legislation could only be the product of diseased minds in the grip of the mutha of all delusions. If youâ€™re just joining us, what the thing does, essentially, is block adult college students from access to birth control and rape counseling. Thatâ€™s right, rape counseling. Why? Because in Wisconsin, rape counseling encourages promiscuity, stupid! Which in turn hurts the Baby Jesus and makes the Virgin Mary break out in zits.
You know, I wish my time machine wasnâ€™t broken, because I would dearly love to go back to Judea ca. 0001, and snap a couple of JPEGs of the good old Virgin Mary, the only porcelain-skinned, blue-eyed, willowy, European-looking Ethiopian chick for miles, as she lounges around Jesus HQ in her baby-blue tarpaulin and flaming tiara, posing for grilled cheese sandwiches and dying a little inside whenever a blonde college student does the nasty.
Iâ€™d also like to shoot the breeze with her gynecologist.
But I digress. What Iâ€™m getting at is that itâ€™s nothing short of delusional to think you can legislate science out of existence. The state of Kansas, for example, is Ground Zero for this kind of nutbaggery. Simple Believers all, they think that a little faith-based chanting in the public square can erase the 2 million years of hominid history that inconveniently invalidates their quaint ideas about Adam and Eve. Thatâ€™s some pretty hardcore shit, but holy crap, who wakes up one fine day and cries out to his dutiful wife as she scurries off to iron his tightie whities and make his waffle, â€œToday I will tell thousands of college students that, unless they can afford private schools, birth control doesnâ€™t exist!â€? Lying to school children about evolution is bad, but itâ€™s some seriously perverted misogyny to compel impecunious college women to bring rape fetuses to term.
I postulate that this legislation is so antisocial as to be an expression of profound mental illness, and that’s no joke.