Aug 03 2005

I Need A Drink


The Virgin Mary to Wisconsin legislators: "Screw those hoes. Screw’em good."

The current craze for pretending that certain kinds of knowledge do not exist, for the purpose of promulgating antediluvian godbag superstitions about “Baby Jesus” or “Creation” or “The Virgin Mary,” is chapping my hide almost as hard as the current infestation of Austin-based singer-songwriters who continue to employ the overwrought  phrase “I’m down on my knees!” and then rhyming it with “please” (but never “cheese”) in their trite masterworks, and that goes double if the singer-songwriter also tries to yodel. The godbags are completely insane with no hope of a cure, sure, but one could argue that it’s because they’ve drunk the Kool-Aid and now can’t help it. Whereas lame poetry accompanied by acoustic guitars is an entirely preventable atrocity. What’s more, it’s never art, and it’s rarely entertainment, and of course yodeling should never be attempted by anyone whose cousin is not also her brother.

But I suppose mocking crappy songwriting will have to wait. What I’ll be drinking myself into a stupor over today is the recent University of Wisconsin ban on birth control (as seen on Alas A Blog and Bitch. Ph.D). This stunningly fucktarded piece of legislation could only be the product of diseased minds in the grip of the mutha of all delusions. If you’re just joining us, what the thing does, essentially, is block adult college students from access to birth control and rape counseling. That’s right, rape counseling. Why? Because in Wisconsin, rape counseling encourages promiscuity, stupid! Which in turn hurts the Baby Jesus and makes the Virgin Mary break out in zits.

You know, I wish my time machine wasn’t broken, because I would dearly love to go back to Judea ca. 0001, and snap a  couple of JPEGs of the good old Virgin Mary, the only porcelain-skinned, blue-eyed, willowy, European-looking Ethiopian chick for miles, as she lounges around Jesus HQ in her baby-blue tarpaulin and flaming tiara, posing for grilled cheese sandwiches and dying a little inside whenever a blonde college student does the nasty.

I’d also like to shoot the breeze with her gynecologist.

But I digress. What I’m getting at is that it’s nothing short of delusional to think you can legislate science out of existence. The state of Kansas, for example, is Ground Zero for this kind of nutbaggery. Simple Believers all, they think that a little faith-based chanting in the public square can erase the 2 million years of hominid history that inconveniently invalidates their quaint ideas about Adam and Eve. That’s some pretty hardcore shit, but holy crap, who wakes up one fine day and cries out to his dutiful wife as she scurries off to iron his tightie whities and make his waffle, “Today I will tell thousands of college students that, unless they can afford private schools, birth control doesn’t exist!”? Lying to school children about evolution is bad, but it’s some seriously perverted misogyny to compel impecunious college women to bring rape fetuses to term.

I postulate that this legislation is so antisocial as to be an expression of profound mental illness, and that’s no joke.


1 ping

Skip to comment form

  1. ae

    Twisty, holy God, I am crying over here over “posing for grilled cheese sandwiches.” How do you do it?? I woke my partner up laughing again and then when I read it to him, I had him laughing. Wait, I’ll be right back. I was laughing so hard, I knocked over the shrine I’ve built to you.

    That said, I’m glad you’re making me laugh instead of crying for the f*cking insanity of this. I’m about one clinic bombing from calling for all-female communes, armed to the teeth. F*ck this fetishizing of teen sexuality shit straight to their simpering Hell. This is really frightening.

    So, re: Ethiopian-looking V. Mary, have you read The Sign and the Seal? Thought-provoking hoodoo voodoo.

  2. Amanda

    is chapping my hide almost as hard as the current infestation of Austin-based singer-songwriters who continue to employ the overwrought phrase “I’m down on my knees!” and then rhyming it with “please” (but never “cheese”)

    You are my hero. Granted, I ignore almost anyone who characterizes him/herself as a singer-songwriter, but still. Of course, that said, I have agreed to see a friend at the Threadgills that was once the Armadillo. But at least he’s funny. He’d probably rhyme it with “cheese”.

  3. bitchphd

    Well, of course rape counselling encourages promiscuity. Once a woman’s been raped, she’s good and traumatized, and won’t go out wearing those short skirts and trying to pick up guys any more. But if you feed her some feminist bullshit line about how it wasn’t her fault, the tramp will just be right back at the bar the next weekend, tempting men.

  4. LeisureGuy

    Well, I’m probably missing the entire point of the rant, but I rather like yodeling if it’s done well, and right down there in Texas you have the Pavarotti of the Plains, Don Walser, who can yodel like an angel. [I just flashed on a vision of a heavenly chorus, yodeling their hearts out as they announce to the Blessed Virgin that she’s preggers.]

  5. homossouri

    The existence of the above-referenced sandwich has profound theological implications, in that this miraculous grilled cheese clearly bears the image of Miss Greta Garbo. Where do I sign up for conversion?

  6. jc.

    Thank the lord for grilled cheese sandwiches! Without them we would have no true and accurate images of the virgin mary. The lord moves in truly mysterious ways.

  7. Mistress

    &hearts Twisty &hearts, you’re brilliant. I would so make out with you.

    But while I’ve more or less gleaned its meaning from contextual clues, can you give a more solid definition of ‘godbag’? dictionary.com doesn’t have it, urbandictionary.com doesn’t have it. I googled it & all I came up with was . . . . you.

    Sorry– I’m such a fucking lexicography nerd.

  8. Twisty

    …this miraculous grilled cheese clearly bears the image of Miss Greta Garbo…

    Whereas I think it’s more like Marlene Dietrich. Of course, I see her everywhere, most notably when I look in the mirror.

  9. Twisty

    LeisureGuy, I clearly failed to employ a sequence of words that would adequately express my views on yodeling. This is because such an essay would not fit inside this blog. In a capsule: a little yodel goes a long way.

  10. Sylvanite

    Lordy, since when has U. of Wisconsin turned into Bob Jones U.? I’m just glad the U. of Illinois wasn’t infected with this madness when I went there. I can’t even believe that they’re going to deny women rape counseling. “Got raped? Too bad, so sad, hon, but you’re on your own. It’s only what you deserve for going out after dark without a male relative to escort you…”

  11. Twisty

    AE, regarding the Lost Ark, if it actually existed, it wouldn’t be hidden away in some obscure Ethiopian shrine. Think of the tourist dollars.

    I’m no theologian, as you may have surmised, but I read somewhere once that el Cristo was of Ethiopian extraction, and ever since have reveled in the notion of a Negro Son Of God. I also like to imagine the Virg.Mar. as about 5′ tall, 200 pounds, with splayed bare feet and a few missing teeth.

  12. Twisty

    Mistress, a godbag is a bag full of hate and self-loathing wearing stage makeup that makes it look like a televangelist.

  13. ae

    Right on, Twisty. I can’t effin believe the Ark hasn’t turned up on eBay yet. I am sure this is because the Ethiopians have that porous, spongy bread, and this is not conducive to image likeness transfers as our more pedestrian Wonder Bread seems to be.

    But I am down w/ the negritude of the Holy Family all the way! No jive.

  14. Cindy

    You are the COOLEST, Twisty!
    This post made me laugh AND pissed me off at the same time. You have a gift.

  15. Sunya Harjis

    Rape: the safe, fun, easy crime! Dumb girls should just relax and learn to enjoy how easy and fun it is when it gets done to them. Besides it’s not like anyone rapes college girls, sheesh.

    Well that does it anyway. I’m running for office. I’ve had enough of this OH HEAVENS DON’T HIT ME ANY MORE conspicuous consumption of the worst bits of legislation. The only actual way to get this shit to stop happening is to BE IN OFFICE INSTEAD OF THE FUCKTARDS, LADIES. Protest til you motherfucking turn blue! The feds will laugh all the way to the House Of Lords and shoot pure Afghanistan horse with slave-traded Albanian hookers on your dime and totally forget to give a shit about you. But once you’re in a position to clip their funding all of a sudden what you say and do is all kinds of important.

    This is yet more of Sunya’s XXXcessively pro-active posturing: arm all the vaginas, then make sure everyone in an office is a vagina-bearer. I was already half-way ready to run but I’ve had more than enough of hearing about the travesties perpetrated by government from all the millions of people who do nothing and wouldn’t know what to do even if they did want to do something. Running for office is fun! You can do a couple of terms as a water district counselor or city planning advisor or school board, all that happens is that you sit in on meetings once a month or so, drink bad coffee, and muddle through minor policy decisions with fellow wonks. It’s good sturdy civic duty (which is the thing whose absence I think is genuinely undermining the US more than anything else, yes really) and puts you on the road to the national legislature.

    PDX residents: look for the firebrand with the wild eyes trying to spread “feminalliedforces” as a viable term in electoral debates. Kissy kissy.

  16. Kyra

    “A godbag is a bag full of hate and self-loathing wearing stage makeup that makes it look like a televangelist.”

    *bursts out laughing*


    BTW, it seems to me that the woman on the grilled cheese sandwich looks more like Marilyn Monroe than the Virgin Mary.

  17. Mistress

    No– holy shit! It is Marlene Dietrich! Or Bebe Daniels + 15 pounds.

  18. ae

    Re: good sturdy civic duty, I hear you, though I think we have to go back one more step to good, sturdy civic education. It seems few people know any longer what “civic” even alludes to, Hondas excluded, let alone their duty to it. Our current defining ethos of “Buy, buy, buy! Bigger, better, faster, more!” hardly instills in one a sophisticated appreciation for the value of preserving the foundations of civil society. Maybe if we said participatory democracy would get you laid, it would work!

  19. Kathleen

    I have been reading this site for a while and loving it, being a long-time patriarchy blamer myself, but I must object to the use of the word “Negro” and it’s derivatives in this thread.

    In this quote:

    “I read somewhere once that el Cristo was of Ethiopian extraction, and ever since have reveled in the notion of a Negro Son Of God. I also like to imagine the Virg.Mar. as about 5′ tall, 200 pounds, with splayed bare feet and a few missing teeth”

    your use of “Negro” is unfortunately juxtaposed against your depiction of the VM, which, being a feminist, I do not automatically read as a description of an “ugly” woman; however, the proximity implies a strong relationship between being “Negro” and looking like the VM, and suggests that you revel in these two visions because of their power to defame or pervert, rather than simply transform, the typical depiction.

    I’m all for subversion of the paradigm, but using “Negro” doesnt cut it.

    The word Negro hearkens back to the Colonial and Jim Crow eras, when it was used in a purportedly neutral, clinical context, often in ways which “proved” the inferiority of “the Negro race” by cataloging a very biased list of physical attributes.

    Additionally, I don’t think you can claim that your use is a viable or ironic reclamation of the word, a la “cunt” or “queer”. Not to put too fine a point on it, but when a white guy refers to a woman as a “cunt”, it still sounds like sexist bullshit, no matter what his ideology. Ditto for a white woman talking about the Negro son of god and his mom.

    By using the word “Negro”, which had a dirtier incarnation in the form of the N-word, your image of a black JC becomes an image not so much about blackness as inferiority, subjugation and the privileged white illusion of race-neutrality.

    Certainly, a good number of racist and sexist Christian Conservatives woud be appalled by your description, and I’m confident that it is their imagined reactions in which you revel, but consider that if one does not have racial and patriarchal hangups then that image (of blackness–not “negritude”–and non-standard beauty) really doesn’t do anything.

    It’s easy and satisfying to ridicule racism, but another thing entirely to echo it while doing so.

  20. Sydney

    Umm, Kathleen… I did not read Twisty’s use of the word Negro in the same way you did. I read it more as her envisioning an “other”. In other words, if Christ is right when he’s white, it would be subversive to picture him as black. Or if Mary is commonly depicted as a beautiful white virgin woman, that the other could be “Virg.Mar. as about 5′ tall, 200 pounds, with splayed bare feet and a few missing teeth” But I could be misreading Twisty’s intent.

    Now if what you’re objecting to is simply the use of the word Negro period, I can see your point. Saying a black son of God would have been much less offensive and you’re certainly right about Negro not being a term which African-Americans are comfortable with white Americans using due to its historical meanings.

  21. Jette

    Has Wisconsin actually banned birth control on college campuses yet? I have been reading articles with conflicting messages (the drawback of using the Web for research) and it sounds like the legislature passed the bill but the governor has not, and will not, sign it into law. I can’t find a definite answer on this. So, yeah, they have idiots in the legislature in Wisconsin, but that’s true everywhere. I’m hoping the ban does not end up happening. (Also, there is some speculation that it might be unconstitutional.)

  22. WookieMonster

    No the bill is working it’s way through congress (passed at least one house), but the Gov. will apparently be vetoing it even if it passes. Isn’t it terrifying though that it has made it even this far? I know I’m terrified. (Does this qualify the Wisconsin government as a terrorist organization?)

  23. Mistress

    Whoa. Calm down, Kathleen. You’re reading way too much into Twisty’s assholian brilliance.

    And my roommate’s a white guy & he calls me a cunt all the time. I’m not offended by it. Again, I call him a cocksmoking jizmopping douchebag/cuntrag.

    I &hearts offencive

  24. Twisty

    Kathleen, please kiss my entire black ass. “Negro” is not a synonym for “nigger.”

  25. ae

    Kathleen, while your care regarding racist invective is to be admired, I think you’re barking up the wrong tree here. Twisty has already said her piece, and far be it for me to get in her way.

    I do want to clarify one thing though. My use of “negritude” is faithful to the spirit of the word, which is a celebration of blackness across the diaspora. I learned of La Négritude in reading about one of my heroes, Langston Hughes. That the Holy Family could be black is something I celebrate, not denigrate, and my use of the term reflects that view.

  26. SF Knitter

    Yeah, like I could get elected to public office. Don’t think I haven’t wanted to try anyway, though.

  27. Anonymous

    Dietrich? You really think so? Interesting.

  28. Chris Clarke

    Beneficient Twisty, I’m down on my knees
    As LBJ was to the Indochinese.
    Like sleaze Jaycees with chronic wasting disease
    Or godbags who pray to be Bush appointees.
    Ayodelayee, yodelodelayee, yodelodelayee.

    Also, I’m thinking that toast is Bette Davis.

  29. Kathleen

    Synonym for the n-word aside, do you think it is allright to use the word “negro” generally?

    I am sincerely asking.

    As a black woman (sorry for my initial misread), how do you feel when others use the word “negro”?

    Look, just before I read your post and subsequent comments, I had been perusing a book my husband brought home from the library about the latinate aspects of Kreyol, and though this book was published in 1987, there were some majorly colonialist attitudes in there, for example, a bit about the (roughly translated from the French)somatic characteristics of the “noir africain”, which included statements like these: “firm flesh”, “incomprable physical endurance”, “lower eyelid red and droopy”, “prominent female buttocks”, and culminating with “language intimately linked to physical characteristics”. As filled with bullshit as this book was, the book itself was keen to indicate that the word “negro” was offensive and only allowable in the context of colonialism. To me, that makes it sound like the word needs to be abandoned entirely and is irredemable. Then I read your post, et voila!

    This is also why I did not give “negritude” the benefit of the doubt. I totally respect your admiration of LH, AE, but it is true that I did not initally suspect it. I think the “jive” bit could have put me off the the scent of sincerity . . . ;) That was a nice wiki link, by the way. Here’s the one for “Negro”:


    I’ve encountered a lot of other exoticism, as well as a kind of trendy slangitude (l’argotisme? :) )which seems to be a result of people feeling that they can take liberties because they don’t think they are racist.

  30. Twisty

    Kathleen, I, too, admire your dedication to the cause; it is never wrong to question a potential racial slur.

    I also believe that just as all words have their place, “Negro” included, all words also have the capacity to offend. Therefore it is useful, when dealing with sensitive issues like racism, to consider the context. For example, I lived for a quarter of a century in assorted inner-city neighborhoods that were largely populated by dark-skinned people. In that neck of the woods, “Negro” was a synonym for “dude.” Race riots hardly ever ensued as a result, but I’m sure there are some black folks somewhere who would take issue with being addressed, “hey, Negro!” Would these people also eschew scholarships from the United Negro College Fund? Hard to say!

    I worry that once we start going around banning words, we also start banning ideas. There is a baby-with-the-bathwater factor to consider. Racism will not be eradicated by sanitizing language.

  31. Other Marcia

    When I was just a wee wee lass, I would lie awake in bed, on Sunday nights and worry that I was going to be the next unwitting victim of virginal conception, sans the handy “fiance.” And, of course, no one would believe.

  32. John M. Burt

    Being the adoptive father of two Ethiopian girls, I can attest that many of them are, at least, willowy. They were both offered modeling jobs in high school, that’s how willowy they are.

    I have a hard time with the idea of “Negro” as a synonym for “the n-word”. Actually, I consider that other thing to be not even a word of its own, merely an illiterate mispronunciation of the Latin word “negro”. In other parts it’s pronounced “knee-grow”, “nigra” or “nay-grow”. I don’t know that Cicero would recognize the word in any of those pronunciations.

    Ethiopians are not Negroes, by the way. They are Hamitic.

    As for me, I agree with my wife: the woman on the cheese sandwich is Bette Davis.

  1. At My Knits End


    I Need A Drink: “You know, I wish my time machine wasn’t broken, because I would dearly love to go back to Judea ca. 0001, and snap a couple of JPEGs of the good old Virgin Mary, the only porcelain-skinned,…

Comments have been disabled.