100% likely to experience death: a little beetle wrapped alive in silk by an unidentified spider. Photographed August 4 2005 by Twisty in North South Austin
Well, I did it. I fell off the news wagon and read an article at CBSNews.com. In terms of sheer vacuity, this undertaking did not disappoint.
The article to which I allude, â€œA Fitness First For Women,â€ contains no information whatsoever. Itâ€™s ostensibly about how the wonders of medical science have finally figured out, â€œexactly,â€ the relationship between exercise and fitness in women. But the CBS â€œmedical correspondentâ€ cites only one meaningless statistic, that certain women are â€œtwo times more likely to develop heart diseaseâ€ and–no, I did not make this up–â€œtwo times more likely to experience deathâ€ than–well, it’s not clear who.
Thank god researchers are on the case and have solved the age-old mystery of chicks shuffling off this mortal coil! So how much exercise do women need in order to live forever?
Ah. Well. The medical correspondent cannot say, because all the â€œchartsâ€ are designed around male metabolism, and besides, theyâ€™re â€œtricky.â€
She adds comfortingly, for the benefit of those women for whom â€œtrickyâ€ will prove to be just too much, that â€œwomen probably donâ€™t need to worry about that yet,â€ because â€œtheyâ€–by whom is meant The Vast Patriarchal Medical Establishment With Your Best Interests At Heart–â€œthey need to reprogram a lot of these things to include charts that are appropriate for women.â€
In other words, some people did a study, and they found out some shit you canâ€™t understand, and it will be years before if affects your life, if it ever does. Or, more accurately, blah blah blah HEART ATTACK blah blah blah FITNESS blah blah blah DEATH.