Portrait of Jesus by honky godbag/shopping mall painter Thomas Kinkade.
Some readers have suggested that my use of the word â€œNegroâ€ to describe the ethnicity of ancient Jewish mystic Jesus Christ is racist. I am happy to report that the point is now moot. It has since been explained to me that el Cristo wasnâ€™t an Ethiopian Jew, but was in fact one of a hybrid race of giant half-honky/half-quaint-lighthouse people from Middle Earth. See photo.
You will no doubt be fascinated to learn that Thomas Kinkade, famous for having inexplicably made piles and piles of dough from the apparently insatiable American appetite for reproductions of mediocre pictures of elf cottages, painted horribly during the late 80â€™s under the phony Frenchy-sounding â€œbrush nameâ€ Robert Girrard. The Robert Girrard website suggests that serious art collectors should be gobbling up these rare works of Kinkade’s â€œGirrard Period,â€ since they are certain to become phenomenally valuable.
As evidence of the dramatic appreciation one can reasonably expect to see in oneâ€™s digitally reproduced Robert Girrard original, the website reminds us that last year Picassoâ€™s 1905 â€œBoy With A Pipeâ€ sold for $104 million. We are hastily reassured that "Boy With A Pipe" is a "lovely painting" with no resemblance to Picasso’s ugly and incomprehensible "cubism work."
I blame the patriarchy for Thomas Kinkade.