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Aug 07 2005

Negro Problem Solved

Jesuskinkade

Portrait of Jesus by honky godbag/shopping mall painter Thomas Kinkade.

Some readers have suggested that my use of the word “Negro” to describe the ethnicity of ancient Jewish mystic Jesus Christ is racist. I am happy to report that the point is now moot. It has since been explained to me that el Cristo wasn’t an Ethiopian Jew, but was in fact one of a hybrid race of giant half-honky/half-quaint-lighthouse people from Middle Earth. See photo.

You will no doubt be fascinated to learn that Thomas Kinkade, famous for having inexplicably made piles and piles of dough from the apparently insatiable American appetite for reproductions of mediocre pictures of elf cottages, painted horribly during the late 80’s under the phony Frenchy-sounding “brush name” Robert Girrard. The Robert Girrard website suggests that serious art collectors should be gobbling up these rare works of Kinkade’s “Girrard Period,” since they are certain to become phenomenally valuable.

Picassoboypipe

As evidence of the dramatic appreciation one can reasonably expect to see in one’s digitally reproduced Robert Girrard original, the website reminds us that last year Picasso’s 1905 “Boy With A Pipe” sold for $104 million. We are hastily reassured that "Boy With A Pipe" is a "lovely painting" with no resemblance to Picasso’s ugly and incomprehensible "cubism work."

I blame the patriarchy for Thomas Kinkade.

23 comments

  1. Michele

    Twisty, if you like THIS rendition of Jesus, then you have to check out http://www.jesusoftheweek.com. There, among the creepy paintings and Jesus gift wrap, you will also find “the Essence of Him,” a candle that apparently captures how Jesus SMELLED! You’ll be surprised to find that it wasn’t like sweaty robes, dirty leather, unwashed feet and camel dung. I actually sent in your rendition of Jesus as an option, but so far, it hasn’t appeared on the site.

  2. Tishie

    That website is hideous. This is my favorite part:

    “The ‘Girrard’ body of work is among the best of Thom’s career.” –Statement authorized by
    Thomas Kinkade

  3. Sunya Harjis

    No no no the best part is the members only newsletter. About “Thom”, his “family”, the “events in his life”, etc.

    Oh my yawn, how interested people can get in each other. There seems to be something willful about the whole affair: an entire segment of society deliberately regressing to the intellectual comforts of the 40′s (not knowing anything, single-minded fascination with minimally interesting focii, pictures whose most challenging feature is looking relatively good in dimmer light.)

    I have tremendous sympathy for voluntary participants in extinct cultures: I have been single-handedly attempting to renew the Heian period here in America for years. (It has gone badly; I learn that there are people who are good at writing poetry, and then there are people who want to share their poetry with you: the two groups are mutually exclusive.) In their soft, wistful, wannabe self-insertion into the golden-tinged pages of history, participants become spiritual beings and shed the weight of the present world. It’s a kind of abstract return to the womb.

    I can’t shit on anyone’s little dream world. Nor would I beleaguer them for having an insufficiently large or interesting little dream world. If charming mediocrity is what they want then by all means they should have it. Blaming the patriarchy for Thomas Kinkade inevitably invites attempts to blame the patriarchy for cuisine and excellent digital cameras.

  4. Chris Clarke

    I learn that there are people who are good at writing poetry, and then there are people who want to share their poetry with you: the two groups are mutually exclusive.

    Oh. man. Truer words.

  5. norbizness

    Oral Roberts wasn’t bullshittin’ about the 900 foot Jesus!

  6. emjaybee

    Thomas Kinkade is everywhere in the South; one of my bosses had THREE TK calendars on her office walls, and inappropriately gave out TK address books, with Bible verses, as office gifts to us peons. It was rather like receiving a nicely wrapped pile of poo.

    The Jesus/Faux Village TK Transformer seems to be some sort of height of TK awfulness though. If he took on Optimus Prime…who would win?

  7. Sarah Ennals

    Well, I just learned from an unaired episode of Family Guy that Mr. Prime is also Jewish, so he could probably give Jesus a reasonable run for his money in debating the Laws.

  8. ae

    MC 900 Ft. Jesus rocked. Who’s with me?

    And it takes some serious delusions of adequacy to liken a honky godbag shopping mall painter’s “Girrard Period” to Picasso. I’m thinking TK is in a perpetual Blew Period.

  9. Summer

    Blame the patriarchy for Thomas Kincaide?

    As much as I despise the patriarchy, I’m not sure I’m willing to pin ol’ TK to their whiskers.

    If I must, I suppose I could blame Lucifer (aka Satan Himself). Is he a negro, too?

  10. Twisty

    Man, if you can’t blame the patriarchy for Thomas Kinkade, you can’t blame it for anything. Nothing but a system of mindless oppression could have produced a population what so easily confuses the vulgar and the insipid with the highest pinnacle of human achievement.

    Also, thanks, Summer, for cluing me in as to the secret alias of Lucifer. But he is not a Negro. He is a fictional character in a best-seller. I blame the patriarchy for him, too.

  11. Karo

    Ahhh … any fellow hater of the vile TK is a friend of mine. Last year I was drugged and taken against my will to a 4th of July party in Plano, where they had TKs proudly displayed everywhere, including the bathroom. That’ll scare your poop right back up.

  12. TeenageCatgirl

    I never knew Jesus was so big! Imagine the size of the cross they must have used! Imagine the tree it came from! Bigger than a mountain! No wonder they made him carry it himself!

  13. Sylvanite

    There’s a Thomas Kinkaid gallery at one of my local malls. This is reminding me never to enter that store. Why is it that nowadays religious sincerity so often leads to “art” that’s so trite and gooily sentimental? Yes, Precious Moments, I’m looking at YOU!

    Not exactly the Pieta at any rate. At least Michelangelo (sp?) was technically brilliant. TK looks like a talented high schooler.

  14. dorothy

    The patriarchy is also responsible for The Precious Moments Chapel, too?

    http://www.preciousmoments.com/park/attractions/

    I once visited and was disappointed that there was no Precious Moments Crucifixion on view.

  15. Twisty

    Plano! I used to live there. What a hell-hole!

  16. Sylvanite

    Ha! The Precious Moments Chapel! The New Roadside America has a hilarious entry on that place. Dead baby angels! That’s what Precious Moments is all about.

  17. Twisty

    I have now perused this Precious Moments website, and find that it has been scientifically formulated to creep me out. The giant mouthless heads!

  18. yankee transplant

    EEEEEEEEEEEW! Thomas Kinkaide! Give me Velvet Elvis paintings! I blame the patriarchy for those, too.

  19. nina

    Well this is probably more indicative of my twisted mind that anything else, but I keep reading his name as Kink-aid, and then it just makes me giggle, and then I’m no longer afraid.

  20. Kateri

    I don’t claim to have the inside track on artistic vision, but I just don’t understand how ANYONE can look at Kinkade paintings and see anything other than emptiness and soul-lessness. They make my eyes hurt.

  21. Elise

    My grad-school roomate actually broke off her engagement because her fiance’s family owned so many Thomas Kinkade “paintings” and featured them so proudly as evidence of their culture. She new she’d never make it with a man raised in a family like *that*.

  22. WookieMonster

    Darn it! Someone beat me to the Jesus of the Week link. That site is frickin’ awesome.

    I was born in Plano, but moved away fairly early.

  23. res publica

    Not only do I blame the patriarchy for Thomas Kinkade, but even if it didn’t suck in ANY OTHER WAY, I would totally HATE the patriarchy for Thomas Kinkade. Nothing – NOTHING – is worse than Thomas Kinkade. That said, I sort of wish I had, you know, been Thomas Kinkade. Everyone knew you could sell bad art at low prices. But who knew you could bilk the rubes out of serious money up behind some bullshit paint-by-numbers pictures of houses in the forest and happy anglo Jesus, etc.? There is an element of evil genius to it.

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