Do people actually read these things? I guess I’ll find out.
1. “Skool Dinner Blues (Live)” The Soft Boys. Can Of Bees. Robyn Hitchcock with Elvis reverb singing, way out of tune, “I looked for ya baby but skool dinner’s all I could find.” Ha.
2. “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” The Beach Boys. Pet Sounds. Iconic teen ode to the patriarchal lie of matrimonial bliss as the cure for blue-balls. Why, I always wondered, didn’t they just screw and get it over with?
3. “Nao Quero Ver Voce Triste Assim.” Os Poligonais. Brasilian jazz-lite from the 60s.
4. “Popcorn” Hot Butter. Yeah, that “Popcorn.”
5. “Straight To Hell” The Clash. Combat Rock. Belonging to that school of music arrangement that requires the insertion of hackneyed “oriental” riff to lend Far East flava.
6. “Jack and Jill” Tommy Roe. Bubblegum Classics Vol. 3. Catchy fluff about how two kids need to dress up before they go out on their big date. “Jill you’d better wear a miniskirt that’s short enough because Jack expects the best!” Yipes!
7. “Moods For Moderns” Elvis Costello &The Attractions. Armed Forces. Score! I hate Elvis Costello, but I love this song all to heck for taking cheesy organ to the pinnacle of human achievement.
8. “Brown Baby [Live]” Nina Simone. Anthology — The Colpix Years. She emotes — very slowly, over sparse but spasmodic piano — encouraging words of empowerment to the infant Gil Scott-Heron.
9. “Ana” The Pixies. Bossanova. Pleasant enough pop ditty with incomprehensible lyrics and production of the Jesus & Mary Chain school.
10. “Girl VII” Saint Etienne. Foxbase Alpha. A pop-musical mugshot of 1989. Dance, you coked-out bitch.
11. The allegretto from Beethoven’s 7th Symphony. Joseph Krips/London Symphony Orchestra. Beethoven: The Nine Symphonies. Score again! This is the greatest 8 minutes of music ever written, ever, period.
12. “Carnival Kids” The Futureheads. The Futureheads. These crazy kids have been listening to the Jam and XTC.
13. “Female Demands” Prefuse 73. One Word Extinguisher. Esoteric-yet-edgy jazztronica for your Hummer.
I gave everything a 9 except the Beethoven, which I gave an 11, and the Pixies, which I gave a punitive 2 because they totally blew after Surfer Rosa. Total: 8.6