Aug 15 2005

Lesbo Eye For The Columnist Guy

The Five Lesbians of the 20th Century

Do you ever read this dweeb Neil Steinberg’s column in the The New York Daily News? Don’t! I never did until this morning, thinking to myself, why read this crap, when I still haven’t finished The Brothers K? But today, there it was. Where else, as Texas novelty gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman says, would it be?

The column I read was from last Sunday. Old, but informative. Timeliness, I have found, is largely overrated.

For example, I found out that a four-star general and a four-star priest were kicked out of their respective misogynist bastions-of-patriarchy for hidin’ the sausage with unauthorized females. The Establishment sure is adamant about policing penis placement. That rogue Steinberg, who’s feeling a wee bit iconoclastic, says that unlike the rest of the media world, he isn’t in the mood to mock these guys. Men will be men, he says. They are “unstable. Prone to weakness.” Note the clever way in which the aforementioned Establishment also enforces the “we men just can’t help our peabrained selves” clause.  It manipulates minions like Steinberg, who would probably be surprised to learn that he has in fact been brainwashed into parroting its talking points.

Next Steinberg pronounces that the “age of the necktie is over.” At last! Men are liberated! No more cravatular degradation. What a relief! I guess those men’s rights activists can all pack up and go home now.

Next, I found out that Neil Steinberg can name all five 20th century lesbians. He was probably waiting for months for the perfect moment to show off this rare skill. Finally the opportunity presented itself in the shape of, according to himself, a completely original insight concerning that anti-Hillary book by Edward Klein. In this book, Klein apparently calls Clinton a lesbian, and he means it to sting, by gum. Steinberg defends her, saying he doesn’t think Clinton’s a lesbo, but  “even if she spent her weekends doing Melissa Etheridge’s toenails and socking Ellen DeGeneres in the arm…would that preclude her from being a good president?”

Well, yes. Yes it would. I don’t believe I am alone when I assert that the last thing this troubled country needs is a violent pedicurist-to-the-stars for a president.

Painfully, Steinberg doesn’t flap the sheets to diffuse the stench of his limp show of DeGeneres-invoking lesbo solidarity. Men do love to pontificate about gay girls! He must boldly go where no male columnist has gone before, and offer proof that dykes can occasionally go the distance in public service. That’s right. He pulls Eleanor Roosevelt out of his ass! Roosevelt, who was “if not being herself a lesbian, then being as close to a lesbian [as a] person can get without moving in with Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas.”

I wonder what that means? Is it something like “if Hillary is gay–which she isn’t!–it would be okay, because Eleanor Roosevelt, who wasn’t all the way gay either, was a great statesman”? That’s like saying, “if George W Bush is straight, he’ll make a great president, because Abraham Lincoln was also straight.”

I also wonder if Mr. Steinberg is somewhat confused about the nature of the lesbian life. He appears to imagine that we like to go around socking comedians in the arm and inflicting ourselves on old ladies.


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  1. Philoillogica

    You mean, you DON’T? I thought that was what real girl-on-girl porno was.

    Damnit. Another fantasy quashed by reality. It must all be fake nails and big hair then.

    It IS fake nails and big hair, RIGHT?

  2. ae

    Oh dog, Twisty, where to start??? You rock for bringing a smile to my face and a slap to my forehead everyday.

    I don’t believe I am alone when I assert that the last thing this troubled country needs is a violent pedicurist-to-the-stars for a president.

    You are not alone. I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable w/ a violent pedicurist-to-the-stars w/ her finger on, um, you know, the button. Ahem.

    But wait! He’s “able to name all five 20th c. lesbians”! Bwaahaha! That alone was worth the price of admission. Do you think this country has more doltish lesbo-fetishists than other countries? Because it really seems so.

    I ask, bcos WTF is the whole “sock in the arm” thing? Just because Steinberg’s sexual maturity came to a screeching halt at 7th grade does not mean that “lesbians” (I simply must put that in scare quotes, bcos, really, I have no idea who this person thinks he’s talking about) go around socking each other in the arm. Is this the secret handshake everyone’s going on about? If I do this, will I win the toaster? Maybe he means Lithuanians?

    And I take umbrage! I would have LOVED to move in w/ Gert and Alice B., especially if Eleanor was visiting, even though I don’t know the handshake and I haven’t won the toaster. I take this to mean that Steinberg’s clearly not a lover of litruhcha, which is another strike against him. ;-]

    That’s like saying, “if George W Bush is straight, he’ll make a great president, because Abraham Lincoln was also straight.”

    Twisty, you are too good, throwing Lincoln’s “gayness” back at Steinberg to reveal his fantastical grasp of lesbonics. Ha.

  3. sylvanite

    Maybe you should blast Steinberg with the Bertie Cute-Ray (TM). It may take his mind off of lesbians for a while, much to the benefit of all.

  4. PrissyNot

    It’s my birthday today, so I was really happy to read your blog; it put a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Do these people really think they’re real? Or is it just their inflated egos calling? Twisty, you always delight, often enlight, and forever make light of the things that are really tragic in this world, thereby making them at least bearable so we can laugh.

    Thank you :0)

  5. Christine

    Gee Twisty, how bad would you like those 10 minutes back? I’m sure in hind-sight there must be a countless number of things you would have rather done than read that rubbish.

    If men are so unstable and prone to weakness, why do they still get to do stuff like drive tanks, hold high offices and start wars to prove they are tough?

  6. ae

    Happy Birthday, PrissyNot!

  7. Christopher

    This kind of reminds me of Crow T. Robot’s newspaper column, where he asked questions like “Could there BE any more bird poop on my front lawn?”

    Anyway, if it’s the end of the necktie I’m damn glad. Ties suck. They’re useless little pieces of cloth that can be used to strangle you, and you have to have more then one, so they go with all your outfits, which means shopping for clothes more often, which I hate, and it also means you have to learn to color coordinate, which I suck at, and they cost money, and I’m poor enough that it usually comes down to either the tie or the new video game, but not both, but if I want to work I have to buy the damn tie.

    I hate neckties.

    And let’s face it, Tucker Carlson has ruined the bowtie forever, so those are out too.

  8. Chris Clarke

    Oh, Twisty, do yourself a favor and finish The Brothers K.

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