The Five Lesbians of the 20th Century
Do you ever read this dweeb Neil Steinbergâ€™s column in the The New York Daily News? Donâ€™t! I never did until this morning, thinking to myself, why read this crap, when I still havenâ€™t finished The Brothers K? But today, there it was. Where else, as Texas novelty gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman says, would it be?
The column I read was from last Sunday. Old, but informative. Timeliness, I have found, is largely overrated.
For example, I found out that a four-star general and a four-star priest were kicked out of their respective misogynist bastions-of-patriarchy for hidin’ the sausage with unauthorized females. The Establishment sure is adamant about policing penis placement. That rogue Steinberg, whoâ€™s feeling a wee bit iconoclastic, says that unlike the rest of the media world, he isnâ€™t in the mood to mock these guys. Men will be men, he says. They are â€œunstable. Prone to weakness.â€ Note the clever way in which the aforementioned Establishment also enforces the â€œwe men just canâ€™t help our peabrained selvesâ€ clause. It manipulates minions like Steinberg, who would probably be surprised to learn that he has in fact been brainwashed into parroting its talking points.
Next Steinberg pronounces that the â€œage of the necktie is over.â€ At last! Men are liberated! No more cravatular degradation. What a relief! I guess those menâ€™s rights activists can all pack up and go home now.
Next, I found out that Neil Steinberg can name all five 20th century lesbians. He was probably waiting for months for the perfect moment to show off this rare skill. Finally the opportunity presented itself in the shape of, according to himself, a completely original insight concerning that anti-Hillary book by Edward Klein. In this book, Klein apparently calls Clinton a lesbian, and he means it to sting, by gum. Steinberg defends her, saying he doesnâ€™t think Clintonâ€™s a lesbo, but â€œeven if she spent her weekends doing Melissa Etheridgeâ€™s toenails and socking Ellen DeGeneres in the arm…would that preclude her from being a good president?â€
Well, yes. Yes it would. I donâ€™t believe I am alone when I assert that the last thing this troubled country needs is a violent pedicurist-to-the-stars for a president.
Painfully, Steinberg doesnâ€™t flap the sheets to diffuse the stench of his limp show of DeGeneres-invoking lesbo solidarity. Men do love to pontificate about gay girls! He must boldly go where no male columnist has gone before, and offer proof that dykes can occasionally go the distance in public service. Thatâ€™s right. He pulls Eleanor Roosevelt out of his ass! Roosevelt, who was â€œif not being herself a lesbian, then being as close to a lesbian [as a] person can get without moving in with Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas.â€
I wonder what that means? Is it something like â€œif Hillary is gay–which she isnâ€™t!–it would be okay, because Eleanor Roosevelt, who wasnâ€™t all the way gay either, was a great statesmanâ€? Thatâ€™s like saying, â€œif George W Bush is straight, heâ€™ll make a great president, because Abraham Lincoln was also straight.â€
I also wonder if Mr. Steinberg is somewhat confused about the nature of the lesbian life. He appears to imagine that we like to go around socking comedians in the arm and inflicting ourselves on old ladies.