In response to the overwhelming demand, I present Bert’s current mugshot. He has, at age 11 weeks, gone over to the Dark Side. His juvenile delinquency entails episodic breaking & entering, petty theft, disorderly conduct, vandalism, and yipping. Next thing I know he’ll be working in a strip club.
Bert will bite the hand that feeds him with the psychotic zeal of a snakehandling televangelist. This is unfortunate, as Nature, in her infinite wisdom, provides the young of all canid species with the means to prevail should they find themselves in a bar fight with Godzilla. I allude to the dentiform needles, or, as sentimentalists sometimes euphemize, “milk teeth,” with which the pupprelline oral cavity is equipped. These make even casual encounters with Bert like shoving one’s hands into a broken beer bottle.
Bert is suggestible for a period of no greater than 15 minutes following a nap, and this is when training occurs. Here is how you train a puppy:
1. Call the Triple Crown Dog Academy Emergency Mobile Puppy Unit. Tell them to wear Kevlar.
2. Go out for coffee.