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Aug 19 2005

Blog Lite

Bertie10

In response to the overwhelming demand, I present Bert’s current mugshot. He has, at age 11 weeks, gone over to the Dark Side. His juvenile delinquency entails episodic breaking & entering, petty theft, disorderly conduct, vandalism, and yipping. Next thing I know he’ll be working in a strip club.

Bert will bite the hand that feeds him with the psychotic zeal of a snakehandling televangelist. This is unfortunate, as Nature, in her infinite wisdom, provides the young of all canid species with the means to prevail should they find themselves in a bar fight with Godzilla. I allude to the dentiform needles, or, as sentimentalists sometimes euphemize, “milk teeth,” with which the pupprelline oral cavity is equipped. These make even casual encounters with Bert like shoving one’s hands into a broken beer bottle.

Bert is suggestible for a period of no greater than 15 minutes following a nap, and this is when training occurs. Here is how you train a puppy:

1. Call the Triple Crown Dog Academy Emergency Mobile Puppy Unit. Tell them to wear Kevlar.
2. Go out for coffee.

10 comments

  1. BlondebutBright

    Your blog hooked me with:

    1) the instantly intriguing name
    2) the extraordinarily clever content
    3) the endearing puppy pics

    A winning combination!

  2. WookieMonster

    Ahhhh! It’s a land shark, everybody out of the house! Duh-da…duh-da…duh-da duh-da duh-da.

    Take heart, soon he will be loosing those needles all over your house (at which point frozen carrots are a wonderful treat for sore gums). Don’t know if you’re fishing for advice at all, but yelping like a puppy and ignoring him for a few seconds (or if that’s impossible shoving a toy into the gaping maw) usually works wonders. Nothing gets a puppy more than being ignored, it’s like puppy kryptonite.

  3. Max Fleischman

    Dear Twisty,

    Your prose makes life worth living.

    Patriarchoreprehensibly yours,

  4. ae

    Twisty, gaaaah, but that Bertie is gorgeous. Those eyes! That fur! Our new pup is 12 weeks but has a gentle mouth, so we’re loving the light pin pricks of her little nips. Our dingo would like for me to note here that the “little nips” of which I speak do not represent her experience of said pup during their rasslin’ matches.

    Tonight we called over the Lesbian Dog Whisperer (not her real name) who is a doggie genius and a radical feminist, so, like, what’s not to love? She’s obviously the perfect influence for our two beasts. She’ll be watching/training the beasts this weekend while we perform grandma duties elsewhere, coffee included.

  5. Pinko Punko

    The weird thing is that one day you look and all those teeth are somehow gone replaced by less sharp ones. And the vet says “oh they just fall out and get swallowed.”

    How quaint. Thank you Intelligent Designer!

  6. Clare

    that’s such a beautiful picture! I love foxes! I think that might have to go on my desktop wallpaper… (if you don’t mind?)

  7. Clare

    that’s such a beautiful picture! I love foxes! I think that might have to go on my desktop wallpaper… (if you don’t mind?)

  8. ehj2

    Dear Twisty,

    What an excellent, well-written, intelligent site. Informative and a fun read — a formula that generally eludes me. Well done.

    And I am totally envious and jealous of your super cool friend, Bert. Wow. If only I was that cute. Even at eleven weeks I wasn’t that cute.

    My thanks to B.PhD. for the introduction. I’m learning that she really does know where “they” keep all the “special mouse crumpets.”

    You’re special.

    /e

  9. D Bunny

    I love him! I want to squish his lil’ furry face!

  10. jc

    Humankinds goofy affection and very old relationship with canines is one of the few things about us that spark a small flame of hope and admiration in me when I´m in the dumps about the human race.

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