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Sep 11 2005

Are All Baptists This Fucking Stupid?

It fucking boggles my mind that human beings in the 21st century are still gargling out crackpot medieval jibba-jabba like this:

"Sometimes God does not speak through natural phenomena. [Hurricane Katrina] may have nothing to do with God being offended by homosexuality. But possibly it does."

This is the brilliant utterance of deep thinker Rev. Dwight McKissic of the Cornerstone Baptist Church of Arlington, Texas. He delivered this oration not once but twice this week at godbag conventions that included the ethically-challenged closeted homo Rick Perry, professional asswipe and Governor of Texas.

"What the fuck?" wondered the Austin American-Statesman upon hearing the news that the state’s highest elected official was apparently giving the nod to this asinine mumbo-jumbo. So they gave the guv a ring. Said Perry’s office, "Far be it for [sic] the governor to try to divine the will of the Almighty."

Governor Rick Perry. Giving victims of the Diaspora the bum’s rush since September 5, 2005.

You know, even if you’re moron enough to "believe" that God exists, it’s gotta be clear by now that the guy’s a fucking psychopathic menace and needs to be taken out.*

On the upside, where does this leave Intelligent Design? In the crapper! Because a god that dumb, who couldn’t think up a more ingenious and efficient way to rid the world of fags than to drown thousands of his most ardent supporters, surely couldn’t have invented something so elegant as the human fart.

* I mean God, but if someone took out Rick Perry I wouldn’t lose any sleep.

Update: AMERICAblog busts the guv’s chops here.

41 comments

1 ping

  1. Chris Clarke

    I refuse to believe in any deity that would operate in such a fashion.

    Clearly, any wise, compassionate, and just supreme being would have instead tossed a small meteor at the Gretna PD HQ.

    (Or at the White House, of course, but I have a sneaking suspicion that God would be a Lieberman Democrat. So fuck him even if she does exist.)

  2. Pinko Punko

    what is the deal with Perry? and Mehlman? and McLellan? Is there this secret club of gay Repubs? Do they grow them in Texas?

  3. Kyra

    I think God would have voted for Ralph Nader. Assuming, of course, that She exists (God, not Ralph), and is capable of registering Herself to vote (which would be some kind of voter fraud, as She is probably not a US citizen).

    As for the hurricane, it was just a force of nature like all the others that are always at work on the planet She caused to be formed—if She were trying to take out some group of humans, She is intelligent enough to come up with something like opening the Earth under their feet and causing them to be swallowed up. She doesn’t do this, however; mainly, I believe, because if the Earth swallowed up all the racists, misogynists, anti-choicers and everybody else who dares to sully Her reputation by insisting that She hates anyone, then the Earth would get indigestion.

    BTW, the only reason that the prevailing theory is that the abortion providers and homosexuals caused Katrina, is because liberals and progressives are too tolerant and kind to point out that it was more likely caused by the Southern Baptists. After all, any damage the floods and so forth did to the abortion clinics and the Mardi Gras floats was also done to the churches.

  4. Kyra

    Hmmm . . . when the conservatives insist that gays & abortion providers caused the hurricane, are they suggesting that gays and hurricane providers have some sort of Godlike power over the weather?

    In which case the blame would fall on the conservatives, who angered the gays and abortion providers by making life difficult for them.

    I notice it’s kind of the same people who both a)say God made the hurricane happen, and praise God for it, and b)say the gays and abortion providers made the hurricane happen, and blame them for it. Not a logical bunch, these people. But then, logic requires the ability to think, so I really shouldn’t expect too much of them, should I?

  5. Ancrene Wiseass

    Ack.

    No, I don’t think all Baptists see the world this way. But all members of the Wingnut Division of Evangelical Protestantism (which cuts across several denominational lines) do.

    And, as a medievalist, I gotta say: most medieval theologians were a hell of a lot more sophisticated than this.

  6. ehj2

    i was sent to a baptist school as a child. i quit in 4th grade after a tearful discussion with my girl friend about whether or not it made any sense to believe that she was the cause of the fall. after that, the hypocrisy opened up … revealing itself like a cancer, a chasm, a hole in the heart of the earth. after that, i could never enter a church again without feeling the presence of that savage mendacious horror.

    water and water immersion (call it baptism if you want) is magic, but you don’t need a priest to tell you that; any visit to a stream or the ocean will do. and let the birds or the wind do the talking. “She” is always there. and it isn’t Her task to save this planet from republicans. it’s our task. and that’s why it’s called “free will.”

    http://www.newscientist.com reports that the inventions of the week include a bullet that burns through heavy armor.

    what do you wager the national rifle association will fight to ensure that armor melting bullets are street legal … so people can shoot each other through cars? and every true-red christian-fundy gun-toting idiot will “believe” he has to have a box as a sine qua non of “good citizenship”?

    /e

  7. ae

    “Sometimes God does not speak through my nostrils. [Post-nasal drip] may have nothing to do with God being offended by Kleenex. But possibly it does.”

    Better steer clear of the paper goods aisle at the Piggly Wiggly just in case.

    Rick Perry is a godbag tool of the homopatriphobarchy. F*ck him very much.

  8. ae

    Okay, I tried to laugh it off w/ some snidosity, but I can’t stand it!! Sometimes God doesn’t speak through natural disasters???? Some-effin-times?? When does “God” “speak” through natural disasters? Was “God” “speaking” to the Pompeiians? The Iranians suffering their many massive earthquakes? How ’bout those heathen Bangladeshis poisoned by arsenic? I’m sure they had it coming. Guess they couldn’t hear “God.” Sucks to be them, oh well. More room on the chariot for our fat asses.

    And God is offended????? You know what? F*ck that. I’m offended. Sentient beings of good conscience the world over are offended. Witch burners are so 1692.

    [Apologies for the punctuation assault.]

  9. Anonymous

    This is my favorite place to hang out when I need a dose of common sense (to combat the lunacy around us). Thanks for all these posts.

  10. robin

    “On the upside, where does this leave Intelligent Design? In the crapper! Because a god that dumb, who couldn’t think up a more ingenious and efficient way to rid the world of fags than to drown thousands of his most ardent supporters, surely couldn’t have invented something so elegant as the human fart.”

    thank you twisty. This is just funny, and a nice little rueful laugh really hits the spot in the face of such idiocy. AE’s nostril comment is clever and funny too. This whole thing is so rife with big fat easy targets, and I’m just going to sit back and appreciate y’all with your wittier minds firing the missiles.

    l&k

  11. Mandos

    For what you say to be true, you’d have to assume to assume that a God worth worshipping is one whose own moral status is one you can comprehend.

  12. Twisty

    For what you say to be true [...]

    I can’t tell if you’re kidding, Mandos, but I certainly was. What I say when I’m not kidding is that there is no god, or God, period.

  13. norbizness

    “Sometimes God does not speak through natural phenomena. [Hurricane Katrina] may have nothing to do with God being offended by homosexuality. But possibly it does. I mean, I never know what’s going on in that guy’s head! He’s like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, but with the ability to create earthquakes and tsunamis! Look… if he knew I was telling you this, do you know what would happen to me? I’ve said too much already!”

  14. WookieMonster

    Huh, and here I thought that she was trying to punish the stupid godbags that constantly take her name in vain (in the, claiming to speak for her while spouting their own stupid bigotry, sense of the phrase).

  15. Anna G

    We have the highest percentage of atheists in our population, abortion is free and legal here, sex-ed is compulsory, homosexuality part of the mainstream, one of my oldest friends, Maria, married a woman and she and her wife are now proud mothers of a little girl. And (another) leftist feminist party is making their voices heard in time for the next election.

    NO natural catastrophies EVER!

    My country is of course Sweden – where you can enjoy public birdsong and poetry-reading at any time of the year. ;-)

  16. TF

    Delurking here to second what Ancrene Wiseass said. I’d take medieval theology over fundamentalism any day. At least the Middle Ages saw the Bible as *metaphor* (well, usually). (AE has it better — witch burners are so 1692, i.e, the renaissance.)

    FWIW, the best fire and brimstone sermon from the Middle Ages, Wulfstan’s “Sermo Lupi” (Sermon by/from the Wolf…gotta love the title!) blames the Viking invasion of England (a kind of unnatural disaster) on the English Christians themselves for not being pious enough. He even says the pagan Vikings are more pious and more honorable than the Christians have shown themselves to be.

    Where’s old Wulfie when you need him? Can you imagine a minister in one of those big ex-urban megachurches with the parking lot full of SUVs saying “You! All of you! You’re to blame! You and your screwed up idea of ‘moral values’ that made you vote for Bush! Why aren’t you driving your bloated, gaz-guzzling, seats-12 Canyoneros down to NOLA and Mississippi right now with supplies and coming back with stranded, homeless people?”

    If only.

    And LOL re: Anna’s comment. I love Sweden, both actually and as a rhetorical weapon. Thank you Sweden!

  17. Crys T

    OK, so even if god DID “speak” through natural pheomena, why should we automatically assume that Katrina was a punishment for homosexuality–or abortion, for that matter?

    How come none of those religious fanatics ever assumes that god isn’t punishing America for the war in Iraq, or unfair trade practices, or any number of other injustices foisted on the rest of the world?

    I mean, if there were such a nasty, spiteful vindictive being that would visit this kind of destruction on its own creation, wouldn’t it be possible that those other options could also logically explain its wrath?

    Unles of course, they are saying that god is actually American………..which listening to most of them, wouldn’t actually surprise me.

  18. Winter

    I never have been able to figure out why so many people want to believe in a God who seems to be little more than a stupid, but clearly dangerous, psychopath. But, I guess it all comes back to that old adage “People make god in their own image”. It tells us nothing about God and everything we need to know about the people who create him – people who believe thousands of poor black people should be drowned because of
    homosexuality and abortion.

  19. Finn

    >I think God would have voted for Ralph Nader.<

    What kind of God would waste a vote on a third party candidate?

  20. Rene

    The great, great literary critic and theorist William Empson wrote very entertainingly about his attempts to teach Paradise Lost to literature students in Japan. Though they strove valiantly to understand Milton’s attempt to “justify the ways of God to men,” they just couldn’t figure out the theology end of it. In their eyes, God looked like a sick practical joker because, hey, if he knew all along what would happen (on account of his being outside of time and all-knowing, etc.), why did he set up Adam and Eve for the fall? It’s all fine and well to say that they had free will and that the fall was fortunate because it taught us how to suffer and choose and understand the extent of God’s grace and blah fucking blah, but WTF — God knew all along that they’d fuck up, so why does he act all surprised and disappointed?

    Milton is a very smart dude, and I recall being as impressed as a lifelong atheist can be by his tortuous rationalizations, but those Japanese students had a good point. I think they might have changed Empson’s mind, too. I need to look for that Empson book. It was a real laff riot.

  21. AdamB

    Hmm, looks like I found the site once more.. I may become a regular :) I’m betting not a whole lot of guys come here a lot, but you have some interesting commentary. So, on with some semi-meaningful content:

    Disclaimer, all uses of ‘god’ are in the genderless/all genders conotation, as goddess is specifically feminine, and if there is a god-being, it probably doesn’t conform to our ideas of gender at all.

    Let’s assume there is a deity for the moment, as most of the population of the planet beleives in some sort of god entity. The big mistake of most religions seems to be the assumption that God is an all powerful, all seeing entity who constantly manipulates every aspect of the world to punish and reward people. This of course directly contravines the concept of free will (more on that later), which is none the less a mainstay of most modern religions.

    If God exists and deliberatly caused our creation, god probably used a vast but finite and definable (even if we are a thousand years from being able to define it, and several thousand more from reaching at least)amount of power and knowledge to instigate and shape the universe as we know it, specifically setting things up so life can form, then going about and trying to encourage life on as many planets as possible.

    As humans are already more than capable (if currently un willing as a species) of taking care of themselves and our world. God is probably not paying us a whole lot of attention, we have the potential to choose for ourselves, and god would certainly not be interested in creating a hurricane (which we managed to predict as a distinct possibility becuase of current warming trends) that destroys the lives of so many, just to punish so few.

    Of course, there’s always the experiment idea, which Samuel Clemens (mark Twain) explores humorously in his “Letters to God” I beleive it’s called. In which case God woudl certainly not bother interfering (would ruin the experiment after all.)

    I suppose what gets me the most about these crazies, is the self-contradicting nature of their god, who is supposed to be kind and benevolant or forgiving, yet so wrathful, vengeful, mean, cruel, and spiteful to create a hurricane like Katrina just to punish a few ‘sinners’. Bleh.

    oh, in case any one is interested: Free will is in direct contradiciton to absolute omnipetence & omnisence (pretty sure I mispelled that), because if there is a being who can predict with absolute certainty the actions of all entities it creates, then those creatures have no free will, for the deity knew what all of them were going to do before they were created, and thus is responsible for their actions, as the deity could have created them differently.

    For free will to exist, we must actually be capable of making choices. If there is no way for us to have a possibility of making a choice that was not already prediucted we’d make, then we don’t really have free will.

    And off topic, over to the Sweden topic: My girlfriend (who I met online) is from sweden.. though she’s neither blond nor tall, and claims to detest tall blondes, though I have yet to call her on the fact that one of her best friends is a tall blond. Current long term possible plans include me maybe moving to Sweden in a couple of years.

  22. Kyra

    Finn–I don’t get the ‘wasted vote’ theory; by that logic, everyone who didn’t vote for the winner wasted their vote. Anyway, I consider a wasted vote to be a vote that the Democrats think they can take for granted even if they help chip away at abortion rights and do other nasty Republican-esque things. I don’t vote for anti-choicers, or people who are willing to “compromise” our choice for their political gain, just to get the tiny thrill of seeing the person I voted for, win.

    Anyway, God, being theoretically all-powerful, could make Her vote count more.

    She would also, I think, refuse to vote for Kerry because then Her vote could be misconstrued as supporting the war, or opposing choice, or agreeing with any of Kerry’s other godbaggish traits.

    (Translation: anyone who wants my vote can make themselves worth voting for, and I think God would feel the same way. After all, having God vote for you would generally be considered a high honor (except for people like our hostess, for whom it would be a nonexistant vote), which one ought to be worthy of.

  23. Twisty

    AdamB, lots of male people post here. Some are even Swedish. I believe we also have a Canadian.

    Meanwhile, you guys all lose me at “if God existed, this is how he would act.” This is because I think God is such a dumb idea that I cannot be interested in speculations about his behavior, beyond the extent to which the whole belief system can be mocked, of course.

  24. StealthBadger

    “Sometimes God does not speak through natural phenomena. [Hurricane Katrina] may have nothing to do with God being offended by homosexuality. But possibly it does.”

    This is semantically as solid as “some people say,” that wonderful phrase popularized by Faux Nooz.

    Which is as logically solid as “My god can beat up your god.” Okay, slightly less solid.

    None of which is as solid as “I need more cold medicine, and maybe a cup of coffee.”

  25. ae

    Twisty, I agree that this “God” idea is wholly mockable, but I can’t say it’s a bad idea, not to be too pedantic here. It’s a damn fine idear per the patriarchy’s ruling interests. Big male daddy in the sky come to punish, all up in women’s business (and I do mean our business), rules laid down w/ lots of hoodoo, only male reps can play conduit, fetishizing male (the Host) and female (the other Host) bodies. Blah, blah, blah. It’s enough to make one a lifelong patriarchy-blamer.

  26. ae

    TF, maybe he is the new Wulfstan. Maybe more like Wolfpup?

  27. MR. X

    You know – I don’t think you lefties would be makin’ such a fuss if, say Rev ML King Jr. made such comments. C’mon folks – the hypocrisy on the religion issue is unbelievable. To a point of laughable. Everything professed by a lily –white-christian-men is fair game – all others…HANDS OFF! Is that because negroes, towel & dot heads don’t know no better?

  28. Ancrene Wiseass

    Winter, I just want to register that I officially have a comment-based crush on you.

    “I never have been able to figure out why so many people want to believe in a God who seems to be little more than a stupid, but clearly dangerous, psychopath. But, I guess it all comes back to that old adage ‘People make god in their own image.’”

    Seriously. I wanna buy you flowers and chocolate or something.

  29. Mike M.

    Very funny god observation. I howled. Surprised as always with these serious comments, does anyone just enjoy well written humor?

  30. Winter

    I’ll hold you to that Ancrene…if you’re ever in Wales ( :

  31. Christopher

    First of all, when you assume we don’t mock other religions on our own time, you make an ass out of youm.

    Second, liberals are generally more hesitant to mock minority religions, because doing so means taking on the language of the majority religion. We don’t want to be associated with or justify the rantings of some of the most imbecilic people in world.

  32. TF

    AE — Jim Wallis is awesome, and I say that as an atheist ‘recovering Catholic.’ If all Xtns were like him, the world would be a better place. And with that beard, yeah, he can definitely be “Wulfpup.”

    And Winter, while my feelings for you aren’t as strong as Wiseass’s and I won’t stand in the way of her love, I do think you’ve summed it up quite beautifully!

  33. Twisty

    Mr X apparently confuses “I Blame The Patriarchy” with a “lefty” blog. Obviously it is a dating service.

  34. ae

    Mr. X, could you point us to ANYWHERE in MLK, Jr.’s writings where he would make a statement as full of shit as, “The homos are to blame for hurricanes”? I am dying laughing as I type this.

    Was it when he said, “Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God’s children,” or when he said, “We cannot be truly Christian people so long as we flaunt the central teachings of Jesus: brotherly love and the Golden Rule”?

    You may want to go back to your source materials.

    P.S. Please define “lily white Christian men.”

  35. ae

    TF, Jim Wallis is one Xtian I can deal with. Not that I’m widely read in his oeuvre, but I never get the feeling he’s chugged the godly Kool-aid. Imagine faith and social justice hand in hand like peanut butter and chocolate! Lovely dream.

    I met two highly educated people recently who made distinctions between faith and fact and who are also deeply faithful Xtians, and it was eye-opening because I am deeply not. “Faith through acts” is an idea I can get behind, though, provided those acts are not Fred Phelpsian in nature. More love in the world, not less.

  36. jc.

    Living here in sweden as a “blackhead” (svartskalle, swedish all embracing name for imigrants)since 1979 I do on occasion seem to have trouble remembering just what a fantastic enlightened social paradise sweden is.
    As an athiest since i was 10 years old raised in the theory, practice and struggle of seperation of church and state I have been totally amazed and educated by living in a country where the curch has been part of the state until just a few years ago. My children were both statled to discover that they are still (since birth, no application necesary) official members of the swedish lutheran church when they recieved their ballots for the upcoming churh board elections. Until they seek officialy apply for nonmembership they will continue to be registered and governmemtly tithed as swedish lutherans.
    Swedes make much of their casual relation to their church, finding the americans actual regular attendance of services to be so “typically ameican” (ie. stupid). But the amount of swedish “agnostics/athiests” who
    babtise their children and get married in
    church plus the very large amount of teenage children who are sent to confirmation courses and camps as a perfectly normal rite of passage by their statistically unbelieving parents speaks the truth of how deeply a state curch has on the gut beliefs of a countries people.
    As a parent who did some time in the local PTA I can assure all that liberal, leftist and educated swedes for the most part had absolutely no understanding of the concept that taking scholl children to the local church for school ceremonies (end of school, christmas break) could at all be construed as oppresive or insulting by parents of other faiths or nonfaith. My attempts to discuss these things was emphaticaly answered with the reasoning that although swedes didn`t at all take lutheranism seriously (unlike primitive americans and their religions) christianity and these school ceremonies, which are actually totallt harmless and meaningless, were intrinsical parts of swedish culture and history which must at all costs be maintained and protected. The clinching argument was usually that I should either love it or go home to istanbul.
    Actually I quite like sweden but don´t let anyone kid you into believing that it´s not just pretty much like anywhere else with the same prejudices and ignorance we´re all strugling with, but with fewer people.
    Yes gay people are tolerated well in the main cities but it´s still very much touch and go in general, in fact it´s pretty much like the U.S..
    And, yes, gays now can and do get married openly in many Lutheran churches. Married? In church? I rest my case.

  37. Twisty

    A fascinating tale, JC, thanks.

  38. alistair

    god made everything exactly this way for a reason…….

    for people to selectively twist and pirouette around theologically to make thier aspect of divinity seem like the best bit is just funny.

    we are all making reality up as we go along and so i hve to say that the divinity lies within.

    i try not to become too sophisticated along the way either.

    but i do find the discussions amusing nonetheless.

  39. Twisty

    ‘alistair’, don’t you know that every time somebody posts here without complying with the style conventions, which are listed for your convenience one inch above the comment box, Jesus dies a little inside?

  40. RadFemHedonist

    “Mr X apparently confuses “I Blame The Patriarchy” with a “lefty” blog. Obviously it is a dating service.”

    HA HA HA HA HA HA… much laughter.

    I constantly insult all religions and spiritualities actually. They are all unscientific bullshit.

  41. MzNicky

    Hey alistair! Why aren’t you in church?

  1. Creek Running North

    Must be something in the Austin tap water

    What the hell is it about that little town on the banks of the (other) Rio Colorado? They got a lot of blogging women there, you know I love to read me some. I mean, like it’s not enough that…

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