When the going gets tough, the spinster aunt makes orange-scented chow mein out of buffalo, with broccolini and crispy noodle cake
My embarrassingly huge collection of cookbooks has been packed away for the past 3 years in anticipation of my eventual permanent removal to El Rancho Deluxe, which removal keeps getting postponed because the house keeps not getting built. Thusly separated from my source material, lately I’ve taken to trying out recipes from Epicurious, the recipe website of Gourmet and Bon Appetit. They are usually lame, so I mangle them, naturally, according to the just prejudices of the Central Texan spinster aunt. For instance, I saved this “authentic Cantonese version of chow mein” from bland ignominy with the application of orange peel and Fresno chile. And, of course, buffalo steak.
But I digress. What I want is to complain about recipes that tell you to set a wok over high heat, add the oil, and chuck in some minced garlic. You don’t have to be Jean-Georges Vonge-fucking-richten to know that garlic thusly abused is going to do nothing but burn, burn, burn. Yet you see this all the time. I can’t understand it. So I come to you today to ask — nay, to beg — that you regard with deepest suspicion any author who gives this asinine instruction. Her tragic ignorance of the laws of chemistry makes it likely that she will have also omitted to include any species of chile, without which fruit few dinners are worth eating.