Sep 12 2005

Mary Sunshine


When I was a kid my father used to think it was just hilarious to wake me up in the morning by suddenly flipping on the lights and shouting "Good morning Mary Sunshine!" in a mocking tone. This formed the basis for my future panoramic misanthropy, and is why I will die alone.

Until then, here is one of the fantasies that sustains me: I’d like to forcefeed all these racist godbag fucks–and that includes everyone in the Bush White House–a bunch of fast food–maybe four or five of those rancid Thickburgers made from the flesh of Penthouse centerfolds–then imprison’em all together for a week in an overflowing ChemCan, and tell’em if they so much as fart they’ll be executed with their own Jesus-shaped red-white-and-blue automatic weapons.


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  1. Chris Clarke

    Well, if you’re gonna go all moderate on us…

  2. norbizness

    I think there’s still a few Short Stops left in Austin. One of their delectable chili-cheeseburgers, dissolved into drinking water, can cause explosive diarrhea for over 50,000 Sons of The New Confederacy.

  3. ae

    Camp Godbag! Har.

    Twisty, you won’t die alone. I, too, suffered cheery frickin’ morning types in a similar manner w/ the lights going on, the covers being ripped off, and a rendition of “Oh, how I hate to get up in the morning…” filling my ears like so much shattered glass. No, I’m not bitter. Not in the least. And I have given anyone sleeping w/ me significant warnings of my uncontrollable murderous rage at any kind of tricky, pranky, jesting fun at godbagly hours of the morn. (Can I use “godbagly” in such a way? It felt so right, considering my violent negative reaction.) Anyhoo, I’ll always love you, and you will always be welcome at my fantasy retreat in the sweet countryside of Sweden or whatever re-education hovel I’m sent to following the pending Republican ascendancy to Supreme Power Over All.

  4. WookieMonster

    Ah, not-so-fond memories of my father waking me to light flipped on and Revelie whistled as loud as humanly possible…

    Why is it that parents think this is a huge funny joke? I hereby pledge that I will never inflict this torture on anyone else reguardless of their relation to me or sleeping habits.

  5. WookieMonster

    Telling a dog to “Go pounce ______!!!” is exempt from above pledge of course. Can’t give up all of life’s little pleasures. Especially when the person this is most used on frequently flips the light on and off until I jump out of bed screaming at them to knock it the fuck off before I kill them.

  6. nicky

    Yeah, what IS it about “morning people” that they have to inflict their a.m. merriness on those who are sane? My dear sweet husband, in the first few weeks of our marriage long ago, used to bound out of bed singing, “Time to get up, time to get up, time to get out of bed! Time to get up (etc.), you little ol’ sleepy-head!” This didn’t last long, and is one reason why we’re still married 33 years later.

    As for the godbag outhouse, that’s the best idea I’ve seen in a long long time. I heart Twisty.

  7. bitchphd

    My dad did that kind of crap to me too. Do you suppose that’s why we hate the patriarchy?

  8. Ancrene Wiseass

    My Dad graduated from “cheerful” shouting and light-switch manipulation to simply plopping cold, wet washcloths directly onto my face.

    I got into serious trouble one fine mornin’ when I somnolently displayed the fantastically obscene vocabulary of which I am now so proud, but which I had, until that time, been trying to conceal from my Parentals.

  9. Pinko Punko

    Mmmmmmmmm, thickburger.

    What were we discussing?

  10. Christopher

    My grandfather used to wake up my mom like that, and she pledged she wouldn’t do that to her kids.

    She did good with me, but somehow later on when waking my brother she developed the habit of knocking extremely loudly on his door about five hundred times until he answered. And usually she didn’t hear him until the second time he answered, even though the first time I could hear him through the walls. It was all very very annoying.

    A possible reason for this is that he categorically refuses to get out of bed more then five minutes before he has to catch the bus.

  11. jim in austin

    We had one of those 50’s intercom/radio setups with a speaker in each room. On Sunday mornings my Dad would tune in the most hellfire and damnation bible-slapper program he could find and *BLAST* it into my bedroom. This was a supposedly great joke since we were Unitarians…

  12. Josef K

    It’s quite simple. If you don’t make them a cup of tea first, then your attempts to wake someone up can all be construed as malicious. So they’re legally allowed to kill you for pulling the duvet off or letting some light into the room.

    I’m not a lawyer, but I do play one on TV!

  13. Lauren

    My mother sang the “Wakey Wakey Time” song. No, I will not reproduce it.

  14. Liz

    “Jesus-shaped red-white-and-blue automatic weapons” –LOL! That’s great!

  15. Sara

    I cannot tell you how much I adore the term “godbag” (as in “racist godbag fucks”). I have sent people to this site just so that they, too, can learn to wield it with power.

    Oh, and my parents both did the “Mary Sunshine” thing, usually accompanied by physical abuse such as pulling off covers or swiping pillows from beneath the head (Mom) or “tickling” without warning, so hard it left bruises (Dad). The weird thing is, I actually am a morning person, but it took me literal decades to remediate my own circadian rhythms to the point where I could actually bear to open my own eyes at some hour prior to 11:00 a.m. without some kind of forceful outside inspiration.

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