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Sep 23 2005

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

THE TWISTY BUNGALOW (2000 FEET FROM THE AUSTIN CITY LIMITS MUSIC FESTIVAL)–It is 8:15 in the morning. Wafting up the hill, onto my personal patio and into my personal ears, are the ghastly soundcheck tones of some odious Jerry Garcia-inspired smooth jazz-jam torture device. Sadistic stoned soundguys: can’t live with’em, can’t bury’em up to their necks pour honey on their heads and sic fire ants on’em.

Meanwhile, the Weather Channel reports that Hurrican Rita will be, for an indeterminate interval, "sitting and spinning" over Texas.

It’s shaping up to be quite the hideous little weekend.

17 comments

  1. Sylvanite

    One of my best friends lives in Austin. Guess I should drop him a line.

    Austin’s going to be on the storm’s periphery, I imagine? Still, be safe, Twisty!

  2. mcmc

    can’t bury’em up to their necks pour honey on their heads and sic fire ants on’em.

    why the hell not?

  3. Chris Clarke

    ghastly soundcheck tones of some odious Jerry Garcia-inspired smooth jazz-jam torture device.

    I blame the party-archy.

    I’m sure, Twisty, that you can find some way to turn the weekend to your advantage. I mean, come on. This isn’t a hurrican’t, it’s a hurrican!

  4. J. Ascher

    You’re in for a treat, what with such awesome bands as Coldplay, Allman bros., Franz Ferdinand, Jet, and other brilliance to fill the Twisty head. I would bury myself: above the neck and over the ears.

  5. Lauren

    Texas is a thumb?

    My method for dealing with this kind of musical travesty is quite simple: Put your biggest, loudest speakers in a window pointing at the direction of the hapless hippies and play GG Allin at the loudest volume possible.

    Be sure to offer to pee on their crowd in honor of GG’s memory. This might help.

  6. Twisty

    Yall are so droll. Coldplay indeed.

    If gas didn’t cost 1 semester of private college tuition per gallon I’d be hurricantering out to El Rancho Deluxe and burying myself in the caliche pit with the snakes.

    Sadly, Lauren, my teeny speakers, even when playing GG Allin, are no match for the 50-foot, diesel-powered stacks they got down in the park. But that pee-pee funnel! Now that’s news we can ALL use!

  7. judy

    ‘Hurricane Rita will be, for an indeterminate interval, “sitting and spinning” over Texas.’–hope she doesn’t start ‘a-pickin’ and-a-grinnin’, too.

  8. Chris Clarke

    burying myself in the caliche pit with the snakes.

    Photos, please.

  9. BitingBeaver

    Damn Twisty! I do hope that you’ll continue to entertain us with your oh-so-eloquent Patriarchy blaming even through the hurricane and the Hippie band!

    Wonder what Hurricane Rita is shaped like? *peering at the map* is that a Dead head logo?

    Try to have a great weekend anyway.

  10. Kyra

    “Hurricane Rita will be, for an indeterminate interval, ‘sitting and spinning’ over Texas.”

    “If gas didn’t cost one semester of private college tuition per gallon . . .”

    Twisty, you’re HILARIOUS.

    Re: the music festival: get headphones. And fantasize about the fire ants thing.

    It also bears noting that if you think about the Supreme Court nominations and/or Ohio’s ban-all-abortions-in-and-out-of-state, no-mother’s-life-exemptions, overturn-Roe-plot pending legislation, it will take your mind of any music, no matter how loud or annoying. But not in a good way. Use as last resort only, and don’t forget to blame the patriarchy.

  11. Kyra

    That should be “*off* any music.” Obviously, it takes one’s mind off of spelling, too.

  12. Rene

    It doesn’t have to suck so bad, Twisty. Believe me, I hate crowds, and I hate noise, and I hate soundmen, but here’s the thing: Bettye LaVette is playing. She’ll be performing on Saturday, and she’s absolutely, unfuckingbelievably great. She’s a one-woman war on the patriarchy, and although I hate music festivals like Dworkin hates dicks, I would gladly brave the legions of losers for the chance to see this consummate bad-ass in action. Luckily, I’ll get my chance to see her in St. Louis, at B.B.’s, in November, so I don’t have to drive through the hurricane.

    Rene

  13. Twisty

    See, that’s the difference between you and me, Rene. I wouldn’t go down there if William Shakespeare was waiting for me at a VIP table for two with a bottle of Opus One, 12 pounds of Nobu’s sushi, and a couple of First Folios autographed “To Twisty, the greatest writer I know.”

  14. Kyra

    What if in addition to the Bard and the wine and the sushi, it was also open season on twits and idiots?

  15. Rene

    <>

    Well, it’s a difference of degree, not of kind. And I talk a good game, but who knows if I would actually brave the crowds of sweating sensitive guys with ponytails to see Bettye LaVette, when I could just as easily listen to her fantastic CD in the comfort of my own home? Last night I skipped out on Sufjan Stevens because I couldn’t make myself leave my house. It seems as if every time I force myself to do so, I end up with a raging migraine because somebody’s sweaty arm brushed against my own, depositing foreign DNA into my helpless pores. It’s bad enough that you have to listen to all those fuckers and their incessant blahblahblah; you also can’t punch them in the face when they accidentally touch you. The horror!

  16. Carrie

    Will someone puh-leeze invent a tasty drink called a Katrina-rita? (Like, a hurricane with tequila in it?) Wait… what’s the statute of limitations on tasteless jokes these days?

  17. Amanda Marcotte

    If you want to escape, uh, you can hang out with us. Unfortunately, I will be moving this weekend. But I have a lovely beagle on hand to pet.

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