Oct 09 2005

Countdown To Uniboob


The author, having polished off a couple of tacos al pastor, contemplates her uniboobal future at Curra’s, Sunday afternoon

The Day Of The Long Scalpels has arrived. On Monday morning I’m having my goddam mastectomy. Can you believe this shit, no BBQ or martinis after midnight tonight, and they want me at the hospital at six in the fucking morning. I call that patient abuse.

I’ll be out of commish for a couple of days, but never fear; I will waste no time in posting some gory photos for you. As always, thanks, all yall, for your kind patriarchy-blaming support.


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  1. flea

    Good luck, Twisty. I’ll be thinking about you, and counting the days til you come back.

  2. anne

    The newest bar in town makes — along with all those gross appletini things — a damn fine dry rub margarita. We’re hoisting them for you tonight, and sending along thoughts of good sleep, a gentle alarm clock, and the politest possible days ahead. (Have you got your earplugs for sleeping through the hospital noise?)

  3. JT

    Twisty, we don’t know each other but I read a bit about you and just wanted to send my regards and warmest wishes for this to go as smoothly as possible.

  4. Lynsey

    Good luck with everything :) Hope you get good and drunk at the first opportunity :D

  5. Pinko Punko

    Al Pastor is the way to go. We hope that are words here can be supportive to you- I hope this takes care of it and patriarchy continues to be thrown by you, whether we get to read about it or not. Even the Capt. wants to tell patriarchy to “eat it, COBAG!@!!” and he basically IS the patriarchy, so powerful is your patriarchy blaming kung fu.

  6. bitchphd

    Six a.m.???????????? Jesus christ, that’s fucking inhuman.

    Sleep as much as you can there. Make ’em give you morphine.

    Good luck, Twisty.

  7. Liz

    Something tells me it’s not the alarm clock that’s worrying us the most, we’re just venting our spleen on it.

    You won’t be alone in a sleepless night, we’ll all be awake with you. Especially me in Australia, as it’s daytime here.

    There needs to be a ceremony performed for the loss of boobs. It’s so awful.

  8. Brad DeLong

    Good luck. We’ll start drinking in your stead immediately…

  9. Tapetum

    Surgeons are inhuman – they all live for getting the rest of us up at ungodly hours of the morning. And they know we will because they have us by the short hairs – literally in my FIL’s case – he’s having a prostatectomy at 5am Thurs.

    We know you Twisty – you can blame the patriachy better than anyone, even with one boob held behind your back (in a jar).

  10. Steph

    Good luck Twisty and I hope it all goes the way it’s supposed to and they get it all.

  11. Susan / holdingpattern

    Good luck Twisty. I hope all goes well. Clearly, boobs are an instrument of the patriarchy.

  12. Bella

    I hope everything goes as well as possible on Monday.

    Clearly, the patriarchy is at fault.

  13. carrie

    Rock on with your boobless self!

    We all vow to blame the patriarchy ceaselessly throughout the procedure.

  14. piny

    All my good wishes.

    And I’ll offer up a special prayer that they don’t give you any of that interchangeable apple juice/chicken broth. A patriarchy-blaming gourmand can only suffer so much indignity, after all.

  15. Ashley

    One of the back-alley knitters popping in to wish you well tomorrow. Glad you got your tacos in tonight–if there is anything I would resent more than being forced to show up somewhere at 6 am to have my boob cut off, it would be being forbidden to eat breakfast tacos on my way there.

  16. AndiF

    Good luck, best wishes, and fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.

  17. SF Knitter

    i’ll have a super carnitas burrito for you tomorrow (with a side of al pastor)

  18. yami

    Y’know, I was at the supermarket yesterday and the checkout kid offered me a caramel apple “for breast cancer”. Sucker that I am, I bought it (thinking of you), and it SUCKED: the caramel had a funny artificial tang and was partly crystallized, the apple was mealy and flavorless.

    Which just proves that breast cancer is an awful thing, because why else would it (and its minions at Safeway) want me to pay $2 for such a shoddy product? Or, um, something.

  19. norbizness

    Can’t front on Curra’s, one the main reason’s I don’t mind living off of E. Oltorf (on the wrong side of the freeway, naturally). I’ve even got the ordering haiku down:

    Hungry ranchero
    Scrambled, refried pinto, flour
    Chicken tamales

    Holy shit, it works if you say flour as a one-syllable word. Best of luck.

  20. norbizness

    P.S. Double-fuck Safeway and their breast cancer-causing apples!

  21. nina

    Many good thoughts for you, Twisty. We will hold down the patriarchy kicking-taco eating-tequila quaffing fort for you.

  22. MsKate

    Q: What do you call a two-boob person?

    A: A woman.

    Q: What do you call a one-boob person?

    A: A woman.

    When you go in at 6am, you will be Twisty. When you wake up, you will be Twisty.

    You have enough Womyn Gumption to fill up as many pairs of cowboy boots, bathtubs, or bras as you could possibly want. Blessings of whatever or whomever you choose be on ya grrl!

  23. mimbreno

    Good luck, Twisty. Six a.m. sucks, but on the plus side you get to walk around with your ass hanging out of one of those cool gowns. Just in case you start to question your part in the patriarchy.

  24. Marshall

    Best of luck, Twisty.

  25. Jim McCulloch

    Everyone who got here earlier has already said good luck, but you deserve to have it said again–good luck and best wishes.

  26. Christina

    Good luck and good drugs tomorrow.

  27. CafeSiren

    Uhm… Twisty?

    Yeah. Well, I know you’ve got lots to think about right now, but, when you get a chance, could you (or one of your fellow north-south-Austinite posters) fill me in:

    What in the holy hell is the mural on the wall behind you?

    –Wondering in SoCal

  28. CafeSiren

    And please, *please* tell me that that pink ribbony-thing coming out the back has nothing to do with girly-cancer-kitsch.

  29. Ron Sullivan

    Good vibes.

  30. TimT

    Make sure you get to keep the excised boob afterwards, as a memento. I certainly would, if I had boobs.

  31. The Fat Lady Sings

    Jesus H. fucking Sebastian Christ – 6 am? It’s a plot – man, I hate hospitals.

    I’m gonna tell you something – they could take both my arms off if it would help me live longer. I just want to continue breathing – and so do you. I rather doubt you give a good God damn about how many breasts you have. I’m gonna pray for you, honey – don’t know if it’ll help; but it sure as hell won’t hurt.

    Be safe. Be healthy. Be alive.

  32. Anonymous

    I read often, comment infrequently – but am really holding and sending love, light and admiration for you and am so glad you’re giving yourself permission to unapologetically claim this as YOUR experience and not what someone else might want it to be…Dr, nurse, friend, reader…Your honesty will keep you sane and lend in healing. I really believe this.

  33. patriarchy blamer #3289238222

    Anne said: (Have you got your earplugs for sleeping through the hospital noise?)

    And your own pillow/s? And whatever else comforts of home you comfortably, or even not comfortably, feel like bringing with you, besides the pooch?

    Wishing you the best.

  34. Hattie

    Best of luck to you, Twisty.

  35. sois disant

    Those of us who aren’t close enough to actually bring you tacos will be waiting to cheer your return, holding you in our fondest hope for a simple, clean recovery process, missing your brilliance in the meantime! All best thoughts and wishes, Twistied One.

  36. Carol

    Holding you in my thoughts today. I wish you lived close enough to offer to bring you tacos or walk doggies, but alas you do not. So good wishes from Pennsylvania will have to suffice.

  37. laurelin

    6am? Don’t think I’ve seen 6am for years- does it still exist?

    Good luck Twisty, sending you love and hugs. Thinking of you x

  38. Julia


    Love you

  39. Erin

    I’ve been thinking about you all weekend. I’m thinking about you now, in the morning, and hoping that everything goes as quickly and smoothly as possible, and that you get the kind of care that all these people here would wish for you.

  40. Zari

    Another random knitter/patriarchy blamer coming out of lurk for you, Twisty. I know you’re already under the knife by now, but if there’s one good thing about Texas it’s that the drinks are bigger too. I’m not sure what you’re standing near, mural-wise, but it looked like a squid when I first glanced at it, so I’ll be knitting a squid today in your honor.

  41. Liz

    Twisty, I’m moving to Austin, just so I can bring you BBQ and martinis when you wake up.

  42. biting

    You’ll be up eating tacos, slugging martinis and beating the Patriarchy over its collective head in no time. Best wishes Twisty.

  43. alphabitch

    6 o’clock AM? In the MORNING?

    Good god, are you saying there are TWO?

    I blame the patriarchy. The bastards.

  44. Sara

    In the immortal words of Beavis & Butthead,

    “This sucks! Change it!”

    If only we could, Twisty, if only we could.

    Since we can’t, you have my best wishes. And what is up with that no drinking after midnight before a surgery thing, anyway? It’s sooooo unfair. Damn fear of aspiration!!! This, if no other, is a time when a woman ought to be able to show up drunk off her barstool!

    Naturally, I blame the Patriarchy.

  45. Steve Pick

    I sure wish I could think of something clever, funny, patriarchy-blaming, or even smart. I’m just so hoping things go well, Twisty.

  46. Sara*

    Best of luck.

    And lots of womyn-love.

  47. Q Grrl

    Ugh. Good luck; I hope the drugs are good.

  48. PrissyNot

    Twisty, I am thinking good thoughts as we espeak; i know that compared to the cessation of breathing, a boob is an acceptable loss, but it is, nonetheless, a loss. I will sit in contemplation with several glasses of red tonight in your honor. Take mine! But of course they won’t, or not yet. I blame the patriarchy – they have allowed the chemicals in our food, the hormones in our air, or the other way around, perhaps, that cause such tragedies to be. I’m stumbling. Clearly, though, the patriarchy is to blame.

    We need you, Twisty, don’t give up on us now!

  49. yankee transplant

    Thinking of you, blaming the patriarchy, and hoping for the best. Drinks for the Spinster Aunt ASAP!

  50. eRobin

    More good luck from PA. Was thinking about you all weekend.

  51. Jodie

    I hope everything goes well and they give you plenty of good drugs.

  52. Ampersand

    Take heart, Twisty – someday soon, you will be drunk once again. Good luck.

  53. Nora

    Sending prayers for clear margins and nursing staff who liberally administer pain medication.

  54. Sunya Harjis

    Hey Twist, hope you have someone checking your messages and letting you know how much your fans are frothing with worry for you.

    I’m pretty good at worrying, maybe a little better at being distracting. 40/60 split probably. So instead of worrying I’ll be distracting. I just posted a mixtape (it’s something even Sunya does) for some of my asshat friends and it’s full of nourishing Ennio Morricone collaborations, TATU/Ramnstein mashups, Iggy Pop singing a Ryuichi Sakamoto song, and other savory delights. It is enough to keep anyone busy. On the more pertinently post-op tip, music to sob your guts out to: Scott 3, by Scott Walker. Track 5 is skippable and you may want to skip, while you’re at it, straight to 12, which is a Jacques Brel cover that can fill whole hospital wards with dark laughter. Dear Twisty’s fans: would you like some mixtape and Scott? Go ahead and take! And then upload it again and post the link so other people can enjoy.

    PS: If you have a laptop you can take into the hospital or wherever you’re bedridden, lemme know. I’ll upload a good video player and some Japanese mannequin tragicomedy for you that’ll blow your mind.

  55. Emma

    I hope it’s the least bad possible.

  56. Kristen from MA

    Good luck Twisty.

    I’m not an MD, but I prescribe lots of cuddling with cute pooches to make you feel better.

  57. Echidne of the snakes

    Best of luck. I just cared for my mother through her radical mastectomy. She is doing beautifully as a unibreast. Thinking of Amazon tattoos, right now. Please e-mail me if you want to know anything at all that I might have learned the answer to this last August.

  58. bitchphd

    Hey, if any of you actually happen to know Twisty’s street address, email me please–I have an idea….

  59. Rene

    I’ll be thinking about you. I hope it goes well.


  60. Dean

    Like Rene, I’m thinking about you and hoping for the best, Twisty. And I know lots of others here in STL are too. Not much else to add, except that I hope the docs get it all and that you get well real soon.

  61. SneakySnu

    Thinking of you today as you recover from surgery. I hope that you have extra blankets; they keep hospitals so damn cold.

    Yet another reader waiting anxiously for your next post when you have returned and are up to writing…

  62. Dim Undercellar`

    Good luck, Twisty – condolences and good wishes coming your way.

    Remember, you are idolized and admired by thousands, and that number is only increasing. We all wish you health and healing, and we all want to see you come back and run for President with Barbara Boxer as your running mate!

  63. joolya

    My mom, who had breast cancer 8 years ago, said that if she’d had a mastectomy, the first thing she was going to do when she recovered was to go down the the amature night at Bare Elegance and give the guys a show they’d never forget.
    Sending you all the chutzpa you don’t need, but just in case, from me and my mom.

  64. Chris Clarke

    we all want to see you come back and run for President

    I think Twisty’s suffered enough already.

    (Sitting here at 5:00 pm Austin time with fingers crossed…)

  65. nolo

    Dag, that was fast. I hope it doesn’t suck more than it absolutely has to. All my best wishes are going your way.

  66. liz

    Can any of Twisty’s pals who has spoken to her, or seen her, please let us know how the surgery went?

  67. Kate

    Fark. That *was* fast.
    What you’re going through must suck so hard, and I, a 27 year old know-nothing, knows nothing about it. However, I am keeping my fingers crossed for your full recovery. Especially for young Bert’s sake.
    Get well. Fast.

  68. StealthBadger

    Much luck, and warm happy thoughts at you…

    *scritches Bertie behind da ears and mutters* If you were going to pick a time to become the sweetest, gentlest, most good-natured and well-behaved puppy in the world… Now Would Be It… -_-;

  69. Kyra

    Good luck, Twisty!

    Pleasing thought: with the crazy backless hospital gowns you can moon the evil patriarchy people without having to pull your pants down, and you can’t be cited for indecent exposure ’cause it’s their damn fault!

    I’m thinking of drawing a picture of a one-breasted Amazon warrior in your honor, although I have no fucking clue how I might ever get around to sending it to you, as I have nothing resembling a scanner. Damn—astonishing how the uberpatriarchal Greeks managed to spawn something as unpatriarchal as the Amazons—which means another pleasant thought: the patriarchy is occasionally that inept.

    Anyway, wishing you a fast recovery, no more cancer, and plenty of tequila and delicious food.

  70. larkspur

    Twisty my dear, I hope you are doing okay. Your pretty boob has to go, and I say good-bye to it, with affection. Breasts are good; breasts are lovely. Breasts are not lumpoid masses, but sometimes lumpoid masses are inflicted upon them. But breasts are pretty and wonderful. I am sorry your breast got hijacked. But the TwistyBoob-That-Was, I will remember with affection and respect.

    Jeebus, I hope you have some comrades with you who can go to bat for ya. You are gonna feel crappy, but there is no reason you should have to suffer more than intermittent mild discomfort in between pain meds. Fuck. This is breast cancer surgery. Enduring pain does not fucking build character. Ameliorating pain helps you get through cancer “boot camp” in better shape so you can move on to the next skirmish in the war.

  71. kcb

    Claws crossed for you, Twisty. Wishing you all the pain relief and non-bucking-up-related support in the world.

  72. Zork

    I have nothing useful to say, except that I wish you well and hope that you have a healthy future and many years of blogging (in addition to whatever other life activities might suit you…).

  73. Ancrene Wiseass

    Thinking of you and sending along all the good wishes I can muster.

  74. Denise

    I hope your surgery was bearable and that they gave you some (more) good painkillers. I wish you a speedy recovery so you can enjoy a couple of days off before you must do work again.

    I’m also hoping the patriarchy will tone it down for at least a few days so you don’t bust a stitch kicking ass (seriously what is with the big P these days?). Though you could probably arrange many of your readers into an odd Voltron thing where we can act as your mighty ass-kicking hands and feet. If you need a Voltron-appendage, give me a holler.

  75. in medias res

    I’ve hooted and snorted and loved reading your stuff since Chris Clarke turned me on to your blog a few weeks ago.
    Be well and good wishes through this bad time.

  76. Space Kitty

    More patriarchy-blaming support here, from the wilds of Los Angeles.

    Feel better pronto.

  77. Anonymous

    whatever you do, don’t opt for reconstructive surgery. far more pain than it’s worth.

  78. ae

    Good Kee-rist. “Six in the fucking morning” is the official name of that time of day, obviously. And no BBQ and martinis? Fucking cancer. Fucking patriarchy.

    Twisty, take lots of drugs. Sleep. Be cared for. Thinking of you. Let your pals in the ether know how we can help from afar.


  79. jc.

    I know it´s pretty pathetic comfort (but hopefully not offensive) but if I remember correctly the amazons were basically of this style, I think the better to aid their archery accuracy against patriarchal warriors. Sorry if this is stupid but it´s all i got.
    good luck

  80. Melanie

    My mother had a radical mastectomy almost exactly to the day last year. She’s come through a year of radiotherapy and chemo and is doing better than ever (fuzzy hair, notwithstanding).

    Don’t let the bastards (otherwise known as doctors and surgeons) get you down. Breast cancer generally has a good prognosis for the long term, and there is a great support network of survivors out there.

    I don’t know of any equivalent US organisiations, but Mum got some fantastic support from the Breast Cancer Network Australia.

    Now back to my regular lurking.

  81. LL

    Twisty – brand new reader, not a crazy stalker, I promise (way too lazy.) I’ve been wandering through your archives and you rock in all kinds of ways. I’m in the Austin area. Need anything at all, drop me a line. I make a mean lasagna, kid makes a bad-ass vodka tonic. Just sayin’…

  82. Alvi

    Here’s to swift healing, happiness, and pain meds! (clinks margarita with yours)

    Am thinking about you, and wish you well.

  83. caroline

    Sending you all best wishes for a speedy and minimal pain recovery with no more cancer EVER…oh, and good drugs till the healing kicks in…

  84. TeenageCatgirls

    Absolute best of luck Twisty. I’ll be thinking about you.

  85. delphyne

    I hope you’re OK after the operation, Twisty, and it went as well as it could have.

  86. W. Lotus

    I just started reading your blog, and I want to wish you good luck with everything.

  87. Anonymous

    Twisty–girl you kick ass. Make them give you the good drugs.

  88. David

    I blame George. Get well soon!

  89. rob helpy-chalk

    Best of luck. Polyboobularity is overrated anyway.

  90. Steve

    I hope things post-op are going calmly, Twisty. I wish you lots of good drugs and puppy.

  91. deja pseu

    Twisty, I’ve been thinking about you all day. Hope at least the drugs are good. I’m doing some patriarchy blaming in your name today.

  92. kathy a

    heck, twisty — thinking of you. it sucks.

  93. SimoneDB

    Hope you are feeling better soon, Twisty. A friend of mine just finished chemo and radiation. One of her friends sent her a big Afro wig and purple comb, which made her smile, though you couldn’t pay her enough to wear the ugly thing. Hope you are surrounded by real as well as virtual friends and that you’re comfortable being as crabby/angry/sad as you need to be with them…

  94. Erin

    Just checking in. Thinking about you, and hoping everything went well and is continuing to go well.

  95. piny

    What Erin said. Also, stay away from Amanda’s real-doll threads on Pandagon these next few days. A patriarchy-blamer needs to get her strength up before she risks killing her appetite.

  96. ae

    {{{{{{ Twisty }}}}}}

    I’m thinking of you.


  97. Nora

    I keep obsessively checking for updates.

    I continue to send positive thoughts your way for healing, ease of discomfort and clear margins.

  98. Steve

    All the best to you, Twisty. I just came across your blog a couple of weeks ago. I thought, “Smart. Funny. Original.” I don’t recall anything about “Nice tits.”
    May your recovery go as smoothly as possible.

  99. Anonymous

    My aunt had her boob reconstructed from her stomach muscles. She had her surgeon tattoo “Eat me!” in cursive next to her new nipple. That was 6 years ago. You both kick ass. The patriarchy doesn’t know who it’s messing with.

    I’m sending all kinds of good thoughts. I hope you’re as comfortable as you can be right now. Wonderful, healing thoughts.

  100. bitchphd

    Another obsessive checker-in… I hope you’re getting lots of sleep, Twisty, and that the surgery went “well.”

  101. Crys T

    Damn, Twisty, I haven’t stopped by in a couple of days and didn’t realise. I hope you’re doing well and am sending you all the positive vibes I can muster.

  102. Hissy Cat

    I’m wishing you a manageable recovery

  103. liz

    At the risk of dispensing inappropriate humor to someone I don’t know, you can wear Ray-Bans and a hoodie and go for Halloween as the Uniboober. I Blame The Patriarchy makes a perfect manifesto.

    I don’t think Hallmark makes a relevant card (at least I hope to God they don’t) but best of thoughts and good vibes headed your way.

  104. jean

    Twisty, we love you and are thinking of you.

  105. jean

    Twisty, we love you and are thinking of you.

  106. SF Knitter

    Still thinking of you!
    I had that burrito for you! Well, I tried – I ordered a burrito but got nachos – which is ok, i like the nachos too.
    Come back soon.

  1. Creek Running North

    Caldo Tlalpeño

    Twisty is going in for surgery tomorrow, and I made a stray comment at her place about cooking her some caldo Tlalpeño to speed her convalescence. And then I spent some time being a little sad that I couldn’t actually…

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