In a nation where one stupid holiday follows another, Halloween is the stupidest. For one thing, it is around this time of year that my bodyguard Stingray starts sniffing around for pies made out of pumpkins. I cannot endorse pumpkin pie, either conceptually or practically. Furthermore, I blame the patriarchy for the proliferation, each October, of unsightly plastic spider-shaped, or witch-shaped, or tombstone-shaped, yard ornaments. Also, there are all those gangs of boys in unattractive outfits who maraud through the neighborhood demanding candy from you for no reason at all. Also, orange is a hostile color.
Reader Valerie blames the patriarchy for the Halloween costume pictured above. It is a cutesy couples costume, which is in itself a serious crime against all that is just and merciful, but it also contains allusory inaccuracies. Note that the outfit aspires to suggest a hilarious epithet that henpecked husbands use to describe their despicably ugly and demanding wives, but it more accurately resembles a flail (sometimes misidentified as a mace), which was a weapon popular among late medieval European males for bashing each other’s heads in, and was hardly ever wrapped around a stripper in stiletto heels.
The best Halloween costume I ever saw was when my old chum Peckman taped a few yellow leaves to his sweater. He was The Fall Guy.