Yesterday, in order to keep from putrefying around the Twisty bungalow like a lazy old tumor, I went on a house tour with my brother-in-law, who is some kind of real estate dude. The tour is called The Parade of Homes. The name of the tour, I discovered, is a bit misleading, since it is the tourists, rather than the homes, who do most of the parading.
The four model houses which I and my fellow paraders paid $12 a head to inspect were all in the same chi-chi subdivision in Lakeway, which is a suburb of Austin reserved for white people with dough. The houses were two- or three-million-dollar, 6000 sq. ft. fake Tuscan villas, and, I am sorry to say, were some of the ugliest dwellings I have ever had the misfortune to parade around.
The subdivision spotlighted by The Parade Of Homes was called TVs At The Oaks.
That’s because every house had a TV in every room. I’ve been in Best Buys that had fewer TVs. They were all hi-def plasma TVs, too. Some of the TVs retracted into the floor. Some of the TVs were hidden behind motorized paintings. Some of the TVs were fitted with their own TVs.
One house had a master bathroom that resembled St. Peter’s basilica, only bigger, and had, I kid you not, three TVs. In one bathroom! Three TVs!
All the houses had infinity-edge pools, covered terraces with fireplaces, waterfalls, outdoor kitchens and hot tubs. There were 2 or 3 TVs on each terrace. That’s alotta TVs.
All the houses had media rooms, too. Media rooms are dark, carpeted dens with giant TV screens covering entire walls, surround sound, full kitchens with TVs in them, bathrooms with TVs in them, and black leather reclining theater chairs with TVs in them. For some reason, these media rooms with the giant TVs depressed me even more than the fake Tuscanity of the exteriors.
When I got home, I ran to the bathroom (because they didn’t let you pee in any of the $2 million houses), where I felt severely under-TVed. A quick inventory revealed that there was not a single TV in my bathroom. Not one.
When I got back to my desk I ordered one.