«

»

Nov 03 2005

Wall of Boobs

Boobs_wall_of

Here’s an idea that’s certain to catapult bra shops to the zenith of shoppal popularity: the Touch ‘n ‘Feel Wall of Boobs. It’s for men who want to buy bras for their women, but who are too stupid to ask her what size she is, or to look at the tag on the bra they have just ripped off her heaving torso. Such unenlightened dorks can now take the guesswork out of choosing stripperwear–you know they’re not shopping for jogbras–by copping a feel of "rows of silicon breasts in all sizes" until they grab the one(s) that feel(s) most familiar.

Courtesy Chris Clarke

55 comments

  1. Christine

    Ignoring the ick factor and other more disturbing issues involved here…..What about the actual size around of the bra wearer? Copping a feel will only tell him the cup size…if it even does that.

  2. nicky

    Why do they come in sets of three?

    Just wonderin’.

  3. Twisty

    Christine, you have astutely grasped the gist of the retardedness of the Wall Of Boobs. Clearly it is just a way for guys to realize one of their dearest dreams, which is to squeeze the charmin in public.

  4. Twisty

    Why do they come in sets of three?

    I’m afraid the illustration is an artist’s interpretation (mine), and not the actual Wall. I find I have a strange affinity for odd numbers of boobs these days.

  5. norbizness

    Somebody watched Total Recall one too many times. Which means 68 times. 67 would have been fine.

  6. Chris Clarke

    Ask any designer, and they’ll tell you: never have two of anything. In fact, all even numbers are suspect. If you have four shrubs to put in a garden, you plant a group of three and a solo one. It’s just better wabi-sabi that way.

  7. Toby

    Oh my, what a marketing gimmick that is. I actually saw man feeling up a maniquine once. It was quite creepy.

  8. nicky

    Twisty darling — I know what you mean. That’s why I opted for zero. I even wrote up this little ditty to commemorate my prophylactic mastectomy. In the key of B-flat:

    no more mammograms,
    no more tests.
    no more self-exams—
    no more breasts.

    Eh, they were always in the way anyway.

  9. Joolya

    this is true, chris. three is an aesthetically pleasing number. twisty, if you were to get reconstructive surgery (*not* that you need it- my grandma is 50 years uniboob and proud) i reckon you should ask for two boobs instead of just the one.

  10. Josef K

    That invention misses the point more than any invention since combat skirts. Sigh.

    If they’re going to put effort into making bra-buying easier, why don’t they do away with the middle-aged dragon who looks at you as if you haven’t flossed your breasts properly? Or start selling sports bras in an A cup?

    …Oh, silly me. This isn’t anything to do with making buying underwear easier, is it?

  11. ae

    Oh, for the love of f*ck. Are men running in droves to the stripperwear stores?? I have to know! No, I don’t! I know I live in a librul coccoon w/ an advanced male, but am I becoming delicate in my old age that Every.Little.Thing is driving me insane?? You know, f*ck these guys and their ignorant asses and their need to squeeze the charmin in public. F*cking figure out a better “present” for your partner. Jeebus. I really can’t take it anymore. If my partner came home w/ anything resembling anything that some dumbass guy fantasizes about women wearing, well, the description of what would happen is too graphic for the internets. This blog is not rated for violence.

    Twisty, an odd number makes perfect sense, and, as stated above, it is the rule for design. Two schmoo.

    And Josef K, combat skirts?

  12. Betsy

    I thought those were known as kilts.

  13. Ron Sullivan

    I WANT THE PURPLE ONES!!!!

    Oh, excuse me, ahem. I could share.

  14. Chris Clarke

    Ron, just move to Buffalo.

  15. jc.

    I´d sneer at manly patriarchal ignorance but I once bought extra large tampax for my wife. Sigh, I can only say to my defense that I don`t even remember for sure what my own shoe size is. Manly ignorance of their own and others bodily part sizes is surely part of the ongoing patriarchal oppression.
    I heard on the radio that naked mannequins were deemed offensive to patriarchal moral forces and are being rounded up (and stoned to death? Amputated?) somewhere in Iran. I can`t vouch for the authenticity of this story, but the surrealistic vision of open trucks filled with naked plastic people in the custody of serious bearded moral police (your tax dollars working for you) so that window shopping mullahs won`t get hard ons is much too good not to enjoy.

  16. David Abbot

    Holy f***. “but who are too stupid to ask her what size she is”? “Such unenlightened dorks”? People like you make me want to shoot myself when I wake up every morning. Your entire blog is hate disguised with wit and attempted explanation. After reading up on your blog, I have come to the conclusion that you do not understand men in the slightest. You know how they are and act (which feminism has always be so quick to point out as if its actualy figured something out), but thats not the same as understanding. Many humans don’t understand the opposite gender, which results in fustration and unhappy marriages if you realy never figure it out. Luckly I’ve met enough well rounded human beings to know that I actualy have something to look foward to. But having been raised by a sexist mom and an socialy immature dad (and 2 older sisters who have always treated me lowly) makes coming across pages like yours like being dragged through hell one more time. Figure out life a little more plz.

  17. Jim

    Jeezum Dinah! I had no idea women’s breasts came in those colours. (Being a gay male, my experience is somewhat limited – ok, zero.) Do they stay that colour or change with temperature/mood/position of the sun?

    Oh, wait… silly-cone. Never mind. At least I’ve saved the embarrassment of asking a str8 co-worker “So, are your wife’s boobs purple or taupe?” over coffee on Monday.

  18. delphyne

    Weren’t the Dutch also the ones who came up with the urinal shaped like a woman’s lipsticked mouth? There’s something WRONG with them.

  19. TeenageCatgirl

    David Abbot, if it’s so hellish, why read it. And if you’ve lived so much, why are you whining about your terrible upbringing to a bunch of strangers? Grow up, man.

  20. M

    I’m channeling the honking things from Sesame Street personally. The bigger boobs should make lower noises. Hours of fun.

  21. Twisty

    People like you make me want to shoot myself when I wake up every morning.

    Don’t let me stop you.

  22. Steph

    My husband would recognize mine on that wall right away. They’re the hot pink ones.

    Sheesh.

  23. CJ

    I’m sorry, my imagination is going wild here – the image of a bunch of guys standing at a wall feeling up some silicon boobies so they can figure out what size the wife is has tickled my funny bone something serious.

    I just want to be a fly on the wall when he tries to explain how he figured out her size. ;)

    (I’m fortunate that my husband knows his limits and leaves the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder procurement to me. Besides, he’d never find “holy shit these are huge” on one of those walls anyway.)

  24. BitingBeaver

    Damn Twisty you find all the best stuff!

    I can see it now, some executive saying, “Holy Shit! Do you know what a travesty it is that men cannot currently buy their wives nipple-less bras! We can’t expect them to KNOW their wives size, don’t you see how much WORK that would be? OH, we must solve this crisis NOW and a wall o’titties is the way to do it.”

    Ok, maybe not, but it was the image that came to mind anyway *smirk*

    Keep it up Oh Great Goddess of the Patriarchy Blamers Sqad.

  25. Auntsnow

    “But having been raised by a sexist mom and an socialy immature dad (and 2 older sisters who have always treated me lowly) makes coming across pages like yours like being dragged through hell one more time.”

    Such a shock, to be dragged through hell, eh?

    While being dragged David managed to set up a typekey account and sign in…..

    I actually think the boobies are cute, I like the magenta ones. They look like they’re made of fleece!

    You could market them to guys as stuffed toys. Or maybe just-weaned toddlers? (Or is that too out there?)

    The problem with men buying women clothes is more fraught than just worrying about bra size. I adore my husband, but, frankly, I am unable to wear almost every article of clothing he’s ever bought me. Not due to size, but, well, his taste and mine are just different.

  26. Finn

    “The problem with men buying women clothes is more fraught than just worrying about bra size.”

    You said more than a mouthful there. ;-)

    I’ve tried buying clothes for my wife and it’s usually a waste of everyone’s time: I spend an inordinate amount of time guessing, she has to pretend it’s what she wanted, then she has to take it back and buy the thing she really wanted anyway.

    It’s a bit of a bummer, though, because I can’t think of many things I’d rather do than feel up a wall of fake boobs to buy her some well-fitted stripperwear.

    The 3 boob arrangement is a trifle disturbing, though. I mean, what would a person do with THAT many toys?!?!?!

  27. kate.d.

    ha. i think my brain just oozed out my ears a little.

    one would think that sneaking a peek at the tags in her underwear drawer while she’s in the shower or something would do the trick…but then again, i was wearing the wrong bra size for ten years and didn’t know, so who knows, maybe they are onto something.

    or not.

  28. David Abbot

    Lol TeenageCatgirl, I read it because I came across this site. I love you guys acting like a hypocrite for reading something I disagree with. When I first see something I dont like in an article, I read the rest to figure the whole thing out rather than just put it down and assume the whole thing is wrong. But I guess we should all stop listening to things if we disagree with them. My intent is not to merely bitch but I am interested in what other people have to say about my conclusions. But apperently you can’t discuss anything i said but instead just ask why Im here. I guess if you love the site you post and if you disagree with it you stay the **** away and let you guys speak within your agreement comfort bubble.

    “While being dragged David managed to set up a typekey account and sign in.”

    No that was after.

  29. David Abbot

    Wait no, my confusion. I didn’t set up any acount, I just filled out the Name and Email adress sections above the comments field.

  30. Sara

    Uh, wow. This is strange, but when I saw the artist’s visualization above, what instantly popped into my head was a padded cell. If they padded padded cells with row after row of brightly colored, triple uddered, silicone chests, what psychological effect would that have on patients?

    Taking it a step further (because I just can’t help myself), you know how they often drape quilts over the walls of elevators to protect them from the slings and arrows of big, sharp furniture on the move? I often joke when I enter one of these, “Oh, look, a padded cell; how appropriate.” It’s my own way of making light of the claustrophobia and motion sickness which often overtake me in elevators, especially those in particularly tall buildings.

    Now…can you imagine? An elevator car lined with these — what would that be like? What would the inpatients, I mean passengers, be like at the end of the ride?

  31. FlippyO

    Oooh, Sara, I’m having surgery soon. I wonder if I could have an operating room with walls of multi-colored breasts. I do prefer brighter colors though, so they could get rid of the drab grey, unless they’re offsetting it with lovely brights. And flesh colored? Zzzz.

    To echo someone else, wow, you’d have to be really dumb to not just look in the drawer at home and see what size she wore.

  32. ms kate

    Are they going to install another wall for their upcoming men’s underwear collection?

  33. Ron Sullivan

    Ms Kate, have you ever seen Good Vibrations’ back wall? The boob collection reminded me of that, but on the opposite, well, not side, um, height?

    Or did you have a Great Wall o’ Buns in mind? And how many per? (Is this turning into a Monty Python sketch? We even seem to have an Ann Elk impersonator popping in.)

  34. zuzu

    Oh, fer Pete’s sake. Those things are useless.

    As someone who has to go to Special Stores to buy Very Large Bras, I am more familiar than I’d like to be with fitting issues. Those wall tits are not going to do a damn thing for finding the right size because you need the band size as well.

    Gah.

  35. Anonymous

    I heard on the radio that naked mannequins were deemed offensive to patriarchal moral forces and are being rounded up (and stoned to death? Amputated?) somewhere in Iran.

    actually, I think you’re remembering that well-documented move by one-time attorney-general mr ashcroft who, in one of his more amusing turns, had his staff drape a statue to cover its naked breast. because the naked stone statuary was somehow bereft of morals. or titillating. for him.

    to quote from this BBC item, dated 3.4.2002 (in which said offending breast dangles tantalizingly draped just behind ashcroft’s manly shoulder):
    “In January a Justice Department statue of the Spirit of Justice was coyly draped in clothing after Mr Ashcroft objected to the statue’s naked breast, which appeared over his left shoulder during televised press conferences.”

  36. peacebug

    sorry – my moniker failed to appear just above!

    and do check out the picture of the studly ashcroft (the breast isn’t actually draped, my bad).

  37. Leila

    You’re a hoot, Twisty. I just found you via Sabbah’s blog…I’ll be back.

  38. Josef K

    ae, in Britain in the late 1990s there was a fashion among young women for wearing combat trousers. Not real army surplus combat trousers – they would be too useful and hardwearing. These combat trousers were designed for young women and cut low to expose the midriff. (The look was pioneered by the All Saints.) Anyway, even the combat trousers designed for women were pretty useful and practical compared to most TopShop whorewear. But then somebody designed combat skirts, which had all the military detailing and khaki colours of combat trousers, but were skirts. So you could look like part of the military-industrial complex and still allow theoretical access to your vagina at all times.

    Oh dear, I think I’ve hijacked Twisty’s blog for “British Culture Hour” again. Next week: traditional biscuit recipes.

  39. Twisty

    Josef K, there is a species of American dork called an “anglophile,” much mocked by her countrymen, who is identifiable by her Union Jack coffee beaker (anglophiles call them “beakers” instead of “mugs”), her complete collection of Monty Python DVDs, the Sherlock Holmes deerstalker someone gave her for her birthday, and her habit, considered by many to be especially egregious, of spelling “color” with a “U”. I value my life too greatly to personally cop to anglophilia, so let’s just say that I Blame The Patriarchy is British Culture Hour-friendly and leave it at that.

  40. Nella

    Wonder how good those are for soundproofing?

  41. Beth

    We dont call them Beakers in England. We call them Mugs (cups that is, not Americans, but then again……….)

  42. BritGirlSF

    In the UK a beaker is something that one uses to measure components in chemistry class. One does not typically drink out of it.
    David, darling, I cordially invite you to kiss our collective asses (I hope Twisty doesn’t mind me making such an imposition on her turf). If you’re not willing to deal with people who disagree with you calling you an idiot then the blogosphere is probably not the place for you.
    If reading something you find disagreeable on the net upsets you so much that you want to shoot yourself then some therapy may be in order. Or you could just drop the melodrama and behave like an adult. Your choice.

  43. Josef K

    In my part of the UK, a beaker is a plastic cup for drinking orange squash, etc, out of, as well as something used in chemistry lessons. But, yes, coffee is drunk out of cups or mugs.

  44. BritGirlSF

    Where are you from, out of interest? I’ve never heard the word used for any non-science use other than what the Americans call a sippy cup (for babies).

  45. Betsy

    Would someone please enlighten my benighted Murkin self … why does Hyacinth Bucket always ask her neighbor Elizabeth “cup or beaker?” when they have tea? is Hyacinth just so overwrought about drinking out of proper teacups that she must refer to anything other than a teacup as the equivalent of a sippy cup? is she casting aspersions on Elizabeth, who invariably gets so nervous around Hyacinth that she dumps her tea, by implying that she ought to consider drinking tea out of the same type of vessel that a teenager might use for orange squash?

  46. Betsy

    Just curious why Hyacinth Bucket always asks her neighbor Elizabeth “cup or beaker” when administering tea. Is it because Hyacinth is so overwrought about drinking from proper teacups that she considers anything else the equivalent of a sippy cup? Is she implying that Elizabeth, who always gets so nervous around Hyacinth that she overturns something, ought to consider drinking tea from the same type of plastic vessel out of which teenagers gulp orange squash?

  47. Betsy

    Just curious why Hyacinth Bucket always asks her neighbor Elizabeth “cup or beaker” when administering tea. Is it because Hyacinth is so overwrought about drinking from proper teacups that she considers anything else the equivalent of a sippy cup? Is she implying that Elizabeth, who always gets so nervous around Hyacinth that she overturns something, ought to consider drinking tea from the same type of plastic vessel out of which teenagers gulp orange squash?

  48. darkymac

    Betsy, the running gag in Hyacinth’s entertaining Elizabeth is the clumsiness in Elizabeth that is induced by Hyacinth’s anticipation of disaster, as you’ve rightly observed. Note that Elizabeth never breaks anything but certainly executes some wonderful double drops and catches.
    Thus the mugs are offered because, presumably and from a long endured similar attitude in one sibling I am fairly confident in this presumption, the loss of one of a set of faine boan chayna would be unendurable to Hyacinth, while mugs are for cracking.

  49. Betsy

    It’s not that I don’t understand the humor (despite my apparent inability to handle a task such as posting a comment). I get the joke.

    My question is regarding the term “beaker”. The Brits posting on here have said “beaker” is not the term they use to refer to a “mug”; they said (if I read them correctly) that “beaker” means “plastic cup” or “sippy cup”.

    So what I meant to ask was, why do Hyacinth (and Elizabeth for that matter) refer to a mug as a “beaker” on the show, if that’s not what a beaker is? … is it just Hyacinth being snarky?

  50. darkymac

    My clumsiness Betsy, for not reading your question in the context of the whole thread.
    I saw pottery mugs in the shows, didn’t pick up what they were called, and missed the distinction between ‘beaker’ and ‘mug’ in your question.
    I shall now leave the question to the poms.

  51. BritGirlSF

    Well, I’m not a pom, I’m a Scot, so perhaps that’s where the problem lies. Maybe “beaker” is an English regional thing? Though I lived in London for years and never heard anyone use “beaker” to refer to any sort of beverage receptacle.

  52. Beth

    Well I am a Pom, and I have never used or heard any one else use the term ‘beaker’ when describing a mug or cup. People here just use mug or cup. I’m sorry that I started this now!

  53. darkymac

    That English national treasure Michael Quinion may consider a request for a discourse on these two good old Middle English sounding words.
    He seems to enjoy ferreting around in dialects too.

    I’ve lived in 4 different states in Australia -where there are distinct dialects – and have never heard ‘beaker’ used outside the lab. Mug is a pretty recent common word here too because mugs themselves have only become a commonplace in the last couple of generations. Only 40 years ago, everyone drank thin hot stuff from cups. We who eschewed saucers with our cups were considered rough.
    I have however seen a set of coloured anodised aluminium drink cups without handles advertised in a David Jones cattledog as “picnic beakers”. David Jones is the squattocracy’s emporium of choice. And despite the cries of equalitarian ardour around here, if you are a member of that land-stealing, aborigine-murdering, priveleged patriarchy, then you are top of the heap still and as such are to be aped mindlessly.

  54. zuzu

    Beaker is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s hapless lab assistant.

  55. TeenageCatgirl

    David> Discuss WHAT exactly? I wasn’t aware you’d said anything worthy of discussion. I certainly am not interested in talking about your childhood, if I’d wanted to be a therapist I’d have become one.
    If you wished to discuss your ‘goodbye cruel world’ amateur dramatics, may I suggest a revolver. That’d be sure to do the job properly.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>