Nov 30 2005

Hot Chessbots

Because if you’re smart, and you’re a woman, you’d better be fucking hot. And if you’re really smart you should totally consider posing nude for Maxim. Or else you’ll burn in the icy fires of humorless women’s studies dyke purgatory, nobody will compare you to Anna Kournikova, and you’ll die alone without any assholes smegging all over you on the internet.

I double-heart BitchPhD for this unbelievably asinine link.


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  1. LMYC

    The hell with Anna Kournikova — she kept losing. Who wants to be compared to someone who loses? I’ll take the Williams sisters, thanks … I prefer my role models to actually kick some ass.

    And frankly, if you’re smart and a woman, you’d better not be fucking hot. Take my word for it. If the males around you are reminded in any way, shape, or form that you are a woman and therefore fuckable, your ability to work in ANY laboeratory environment in a herd of the idiots is seriously compromised. Or, their ability is. But since they outnumber you, you’re the one who gets screwed.

  2. Ron Sullivan

    Twisty, Twisty, Twisty. If you’re smart and a woman, you are hot. The pseudosex bullshit and the burkha-bombers got nothing to do with it. And LMYC’s herd of idiots is just acknowledging their own inadequacy. Unfortunately, the Power Class has ways of making the rest of us pay for their own inadequacy, especially when they’re caught in their own contradictions.

  3. alexat

    I just enjoyed the part where the poor chess nerd was so distracted by his opponent’s cleavage (or whatever “dressed appropriately for spring” means) that he _complained to the referee_. Who agreed that “dressed appropriately for spring” was “distracting”. I’m sorry, Mr. Chess Guy. Next time we’ll all wear burkas, okay? Because keeping your eyes on your game is too difficult for you.

    My slant is opposite from your slant, and yet we both blame the patriarchy!

  4. norbizness

    To be fair, hotness is a gender-neutral chess requirement. I mean, just look at Bobby Fischer.

  5. Liza

    According to the ‘arbiter’ of the chess beauty contest site, “If you want to promote women’s chess on its own, then you have to do something like this.”

    What part of ‘on its own’ does he not understand???

    I was on my high school chess team, which was mostly a nerdvana experience back in the 80s. But I was the only girl, and in fact, one of only two female players in my major metropolitian area. Until I got kicked out of the “Chess Homeroom” for being “too distracting.”

    Looks like nothing has changed.

  6. Hattie

    What can guys do? It seem like everywhere they go, there are these females reminding them of sex.

  7. bitchphd

    Oh, if you liked that link you’ll love this one.

  8. Josef K

    It really depresses me that the woman who’s 5th in the world for women’s chess is 525th in the world overall. It depresses me that women seem to be so crap at chess that they merit a special crap category known as “women’s chess”. I fucking hate chess.

  9. Mark Early

    How would one go about putting on a condom if one was still asleep?

  10. PrissyNot

    Yes, thanks BPHD for that other link. How could one put on a condom while sleeping? That right there would throw the “sexsomnia” defense out the window for me, although I’d bet (if I was a betting woman) his victim was relieved that he at least used some sort of protection . . . And as for sex and chess, who cares what sex you are if you play good chess??? They should be above all this “distraction” jazz, not to mention beauty contests? What’s that?

    Hope you’re doing okay, Twisty, and rock on. . .

  11. Ms Kate

    Twister, glad Bitch sent this to you … I thought of you when I saw it to start with.

    Could this just be the cerebral nerd version of sexbot death machine? Like, still be a sexbot, but be killer at pretend war? Hmmm.

  12. Kelley


    That was my question precisely. How DOES one put on a condom while “sleepwalking”???

  13. chezjenne

    Twisty, Twisty, Twisty. If you’re smart and a woman, you are hot.

    Right on Ron, nothing excites me more than a woman with a sharp, beautiful mind! Patriarchal “beauty” standards are pernicious and UGLY.

  14. Alex

    Sign me up! All I need is a pair of shoes that aren’t designed to actually accomodate human feet, a pair of pants that fit like a wetsuit, and a $700 Louis Vuitton handbag! God Bless the Patriarchy.

  15. LC

    This makes me so mad….WTF is with women’s chess?? What the fuck does chess have to do with what sex you are?! Were chess leagues formally segregated or something. I don’ even beleive in separate sex leagues for football let alone chess! FUCK!

  16. ae

    And capitalizing on sex appeal is also not exactly a new idea in competitive sports. Before Ms. Reid, tennis had Anna Kournikova and beach volleyball had Gabrielle Reese and soccer had Mia Hamm.

    Though I hardly know where to direct my umbrage first, OBJECTION!!! Anybody who would compare Anna Kournikova and Gabrielle Reece to Mia Hamm is smoking crack. Mia Hamm is not a f*cking sexbot. God. This woman trains her whole life, rules the sport, wins national titles (Go Heels!) and gold medals, is a true role model for girls, and they lump her in w/ the T-n-A crew because, what, every woman’s reducible to sex class function? F*ck that. They can’t diminish her every achievement. Not a single little girl (or boy) I ever saw watching Mia Hamm thought, Oh yeah, I can’t wait to show my ass. They were too busy wanting to be just like her dominating the midfield. The f*cking patriarchy is on my last nerve.

    And, I’m sorry, is chess a “sport”?

  17. aymayzed

    Will nobody say the king has no clothes?
    These two reports are clearly the new clothing that porn has to wear in order that hard working men can still laugh at and generally degrade women during their working day. The avenue of downloading porn labelled as porn has been cut off in most business networks so news is the new pron shop.

    The http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Law/2005/11/30/1330499-sun.html?
    article is very lightly disguised tack and is the class of article much enjoyed over a hot desk by assorted lads worldwide.

  18. Nancy

    Why is there a women’s category in chess anyway? That’s total bullshit.

    But also it sounds like there are plenty of hot guys in chess:

    The younger Mr. Tkachiev, who appears in photos to be well-built and boyish looking, said they had started the site to raise the profile of the game. “Chess desperately needs some glamour,” Mr. Tkachiev said. The brothers are not the only ones trying to inject some glamour, or at least sex appeal, into the game.

    Looks like the Times reporter snuck a little objectifying in on Mr. Tkachiev.

  19. The Fat Lady Sings

    I used to like to play chess at a local coffee house/book store way back in the late 70’s. The older men would get grumpy, the younger guys thought they were indulging me; unless I whipped their ass – which I did on occasion. After a while, the guys just wouldn’t play me. It’s the same with pool. If they think they can fuck you – they’ll play you; if not – just try getting your hands on a table. What a shame nothing seems to have changed.

  20. TimT

    And, I’m sorry, is chess a “sport”?

    Well, Chess boxing is a sport; and a damn good one, too. I mean, where can I combine my masculine blood-lust with my delight in a well-executed Nimzo-Indian Defence leading to a tight rook-and-pawn endgame? Hmmm?

    However, I note that chess mud-wrestling has yet to be invented.

  21. Julia

    And frankly, if you’re smart and a woman, you’d better not be fucking hot. Take my word for it.

    I couldn’t agree more. I’m far from hot, and I only consider myself to have an average (ok…maybe a smidge above average) intellect. But when I dropped 40 pounds, it was like I dropped 20 IQ points.

    Suddenly no one would take me seriously.

    I should note, I work in a traditionally “man’s” field with all male co-workers.

  22. Ron Sullivan

    The younger Mr. Tkachiev, who appears in photos to be well-built and boyish looking, said they had started the site to raise the profile of the game. “Chess desperately needs some glamour,”

    If that’s what they wanted, they’d take their own damned clothes off.

  23. Steph

    I prefer the story of the model who gave up life on the run way to pursue what she really loved–a career in the laboratory sciences. She found that she didn’t like being objectified for a living and would rather be in her lab doing experiments.

    Of course her scientific pursuits weren’t interesting enough on their own. It was the fact that she was pretty and didn’t choose to exploit that for money that got her on the radio.

    Different shit, same patriarchy.

  24. Anonymous

    hotness is a gender-neutral chess requirement.

    Don’t we know that hotness is a requirement for everyone? Ugly people are gross! Unless they’re really important politicians or great actors. With penises. Ugly women are never okay. But hot women are hot first and foremost, no matter what it is that they do.

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