Dec 27 2005

Sienna Miller Is Number One!!!

Teen girls receive personal feel-good advice from top celeb.

By now you have heard that little girls are mutilating Barbie dolls. Optimists may view this as an out-of-the-mouths-of-babes rejection of patriarchal beauty standards, but it looks to me more like Baby’s First Misogyny. Seven year olds aren’t (necessarily) idiots. It cannot have escaped their notice that women are dirt. By kicking Barbie’s ass they’re just trying to fit in.

But no matter. Whatever misogynist impulses this behavior represents have clearly been internalized by the time the girls hit puberty, when they of course begin mutiliating themselves. This is also when they respond to teen polls wherein they are asked to ponder the relative inspirationality of Barbie-like celebrities.

I do not know who Sienna Miller is beyond the vague idea that she is a famous blonde hottie, but according to a teen-girl poll for repellent brainwashing teen magazine Sugar, Miller is “the most inspirational celebrity of 2005.” It turns out that teen girls who vote in teen magazine polls deeply respect foxy showbiz chicks who face “terrible adversity.” “Terrible adversity” appears to consist of a painful scene with a hunky dude at the conclusion of which the foxy showbiz chick remains gorgeous.

The adversity faced by Miller in 2005 was that Jude Law cuckholded her with the hired help. This ghastly horror trumped the Jude-Law-less adversity faced by Kylie Minogue, who galloped home a distant fourth place having only spent the year with breast cancer. Which, believe me, is no beauty treatment.


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  1. sam

    You know, I read about that poll yesterday and thought that it had to be some kind of satire or something. I mean, Did Miller actually do anything inspirational, even within the context of the situation? Like kick Jude to the curb? Of course not.

    I’m no fan of Jolie (and her own homewrecking ways), but at least she spends some time running around trying to save children.


  2. Sam

    Hey, you can’t be Sam, I’m Sam. :) With a few more of us we could make a patriarchy-blaming troupe on our own and call it the Raging Sammies.

    On the issues raised I wanted to pipe in that I’m finding the prominence of celebrity worship in the daily lives of people more destructive in more ways the more I think about it. We live in a time when real heroes doing real heroic things are ignored so the attention can remain on nipped, tucked and airbrushed celebrities, a discussion that has been stirred recently due to Bono’s face gracing the cover of Time.

  3. sunny in texas

    barbie mutilation: funny, my sister mutilated hers, i didn’t.

    i think the barbie mutilators could have been just spoiled brats. i couldn’t get a barbie anytime i wanted one so i took care of my stuff. my sister successfully threw fits to get everything she wanted. there is an 11 year difference between us. i was reared poor, she was reared upper middle class.

  4. Hattie

    My cousin’s kids used to strip Barbie naked, tie her to a chair, and torture her. They both have turned out to be OK people, but Barbie didn’t make it.

  5. antelope

    I’m perfectly confident that we would’a mutilated Ken too if we had one – it’s just that nobody had one or especially wanted one.

    We mutilated boy smurfs, though, and that takes a lot more effort than damaging barbie – you have to tie them to firecrackers & throw them in the oven & stuff.

  6. piny

    I dunno about Barbie. I preferred books; I think I asked for a Barbie after I noticed that every other girl I knew had one. She had palm-tree shaped earrings. I never actually played with her.

    While misogyny is always a strong possibility, I wonder if they’re not fucking with Barbie because it’s so much more of a sin against girlhood. She’s sort of the epitome of girl dolls: she’s the doll every girl is supposed to have, want, and want to become. So maybe the little girls involved think it’s somehow worse than beating up a teddy bear or a Betsy Wetsy. I knew an inveterate Barbie mutilator in my girlhood, and she seemed to be motivated by perversity: doing horrible things to the doll she was taught to love more than herself.

    Barbie’s also the only popular girl’s doll who resembles an adult rather than a child. Maybe that has something to do with her being a target for children.

  7. LizR

    I always refused to play with Ken. My Barbies played with Action Jackson. Now, Bean is getting into the Barbie phase. I have been commanded to make a pirate outfit for Barbie. Because Barbie needs to be the Pirate King. And I’m all for it…

  8. Liz

    Oh Ken, Ken was so great! He had this mysterious smooth hairless amorphous bump on his crotch. Was it a tumor?? And way back in my day the knees didn’t bend, so there she’d be at her very own wedding reception, Barbie, in her magnificent satin meringue gown, sitting at the table with her legs stuck straight out in front of her spread wide at a 90 degree angle, and Ken smiling blankly with nothing more to offer than that creepy smooth amorphous tomor. We didn’t feel the need to mutilate the poor things, Mattel had already done it for us.

    So anyway, Sugar Magazine. Were all these little teeny-tweeny girls they polled by any chance white?

  9. Ms Kate

    Well, you can’t exactly emasculate a Ken doll, now can ya?

  10. The Fat Lady Sings

    When I was a kid, Barbie came with dark hair too – so if you weren’t blond, you had an alternative. Still – I read that poll, and I think some people equated ‘mutilation’ with alteration. I changed Barbie to look more real – I cut her hair, tried to change its color, made clothes for her – anything to make her look less like some rich kid and more like what I saw every day. I did the same to my troll dolls – cut and died their hair, made new outfits. It also was a way to have a different doll. Presents weren’t big in my house – so you learned to make do. I wonder if that was also considered ‘mutilation’ in that poll.

    As for that Miller idiot – boy, it bodes ill for little girls that they celebrate some chickie who took her cheating boyfriend back, over a woman of substance who successfully fought cancer. But have you guys watched any music videos lately? Women are almost universally treated like shit – carpets for men to walk over, sexual toys to use and discard. Hell – shit wasn’t this bad thirty years ago when I was in High School, and girls were still considered the lesser sex! Something’s gotta change – or women with spines will become an endangered species.

  11. Twisty

    I like Angelina Jolie, kind of–insofar as a person can like a total stranger who makes a living emulating the patriarchal beauty ideal and who belongs to a much more exalted caste–because she doesn’t reproduce. If only more people would follow her example.

  12. kelleyBell

    Barfy Sucks!

  13. Ron O.

    My GI Joe was regularly strapped to a firecracker, set on fire or had limbs dislocated until it was destroyed. It was a stupid toy anway. For “nice” playtime, my sister & I used Fisher Price Little People in our Lego town.

    Miller is an idiot for taking that cad back.

  14. Dim Undercellar


    Are you sure? I mean, that’s some seriously red-flaggy behavior, from a miogyny standpoint. I’d check their basements for duct tape, hemp rope, and battered wooden chairs before assuming they’re OK people to the point that you’d, like, stay the night or something.

  15. sunny in texas

    well from what i understand, angelina’s butt is too big for the current beauty ideal. and i like her even more because of it.
    by the way, i have a bunch of daughters and sometimes it’s a fulltime job to keep them from falling prey to that patriarchal beauty ideal crap. but so far, no anorexics. and i see THAT as a victory.

  16. ae

    I’m feeling the horror that the little tweeners identify more w/ the suffering of the cupcake w/ smeared mascara boohooing at the slight of a philanderer than they identify w/ a woman who faces lifethreatening adversity.

    I should confess, though, that in my own teendom I was barely beyond this. When Simon Le Bon’s yacht (oh, I’m dying laughing here) capsized and he almost drowned, I felt sick to my stomach and hated his now-wife with more force than the heat of a thousand suns because she complained in the press that she forgot her toothbrush in the mad dash to be by his side. Oh, I was righteous, because I really loved him, see. A toothbrush was the last thing on my mind.

    I’m sure there were things going on in my house re: my parents’ failing marriage that may have come to my notice, but they paled in emotional resonance against the rich tapestry of my feelings for Simon Le Bon at the time.

  17. Twisty

    I get what you’re saying, but somehow I doubt that anything on Angelina Jolie is too big for the current beauty ideal, since she is the current beauty ideal.

  18. Anon

    Personally, I’m getting more than a little sick and tired of listening to all the slamming on teenaged girls. They are children, people. They may look vaguely adult-like, but these are children. Get a fucking clue, would you all? If they sympathize more with someone who was cheated on than with someone who had breast cancer, it’s because more of them have been cheated on themselves than have had breast cancer. Of course your average 15 year old would feel strongly about something she’s experienced herself. Your average 6 year old would sympathize more with someone who has had their ice cream cone stolen than with someone who survived Bergen-Belsen, too.

    Christ, these are children we’re talking about here. Give them a motherfucking break if you can fucking stand it. Society already hates teenaged girls — teen boys hate them because that what teen boys do. Grown women hate them out of jealousy and resentment, and grown men hate them because they won’t blow them. Feminists do not need to add to that.

  19. Twisty

    Anon, I’m not slamming teenage girls. In my own mind I still am a teenage girl. You know what slams teenage girls? A culture that coerces them into hating themselves and into thinking that it’s the worst thing in the world if some boy decides they’re not hot enough. It is because of this culture that they grow up to be the unpleasant women you describe above. It’s patriarchy I blame, you see. Not girls.

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