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Dec 27 2005

What I Really Wanted For Christmas


Remember, girls. “The Whiz should always point slightly downwards.”

You know how when you’re out in the woods and you have to take a slash and about 42 wood-ticks leap onto your crouching hiney the second you drop trou? You need this super-advanced Aussie breakthrough: The Whiz, a pocket dong for vertical pissing situations. “Just undo your fly and wee like a man would.”

1001 uses around the home, boat, or office. They’re cleaner than the average dong. Machine-washable! And, happily, “designed not to flowback.”

I’ll be test-tinkling one of these bad boys as soon as I can get my crotch on one.

17 comments

  1. Megan

    Any woman can pee standing up (see http://myvag.net/pee/standing/ for a How To), sans extra devices! Takes a little practice, but well worth the effort!

  2. bitchphd

    Twisty, twisty, twisty. Do not wait until you can buy some kind of substitute penis. Follow the directions on the link Megan posted (thank you, Megan! I was so irked when the original tutorial was replaced by a link to a “buy this stupid fake penis for peeing” site!), practice in the shower, and you’ll be peeing standing up in no time, I promise.

  3. Twisty

    Thanks for the crotch-up, girls, I was actually sort of joshing. I mean, the idea of carrying this thing around in one’s tiny handbag. Eew.

  4. Liz

    I’m holding out for the Dromedary Dong myself, which comes with a five-day bladder. So you can cross the Sahara without ever needing to whip it out.

  5. Donna

    Hmmm… a prosthetic penis. Did a man invent this?

  6. piny

    >>Thanks for the crotch-up, girls, I was actually sort of joshing. I mean, the idea of carrying this thing around in one’s tiny handbag. Eew.>>

    Um, it’s actually pretty standard practice for men like myself, though I don’t have one. There are a few different models available, and you can make your own with one of those hollow spoons they use to give medicine to small children. As far as I can tell, you just rinse it out afterward.

    >>Hmmm… a prosthetic penis. Did a man invent this?>>

    That isn’t a prosthetic penis; it’s a prosthetic spigot. There are certainly prosthetic penises available, including ones that can be used the way this one is. Most of the prosthetic penises I’ve seen, however, were made for women.

  7. Becker

    Position #2 is just asking for trouble.

  8. Ms Kate

    I think it is best used when taking over the men’s room because the line for the women’s room is fifty seven miles long because we actually have to wait for a stall and disrobe.

    Overheard in the women’s room at a beer festival, when the usual situation was reversed: “well, if they have a line like that, it MUST be because they are putting on their makeup or something”.

  9. Twisty

    Each to his own of course, but I don’t want to tote around pee-pee apparatus. Don’t you see? IT MIGHT STILL HAVE PEE-PEE ON IT!

  10. Rain

    When pee standing up, it helps your aim if you lean forward.
    The pee shoots backwards and doesn’t dribble, without having to
    use your hands to adjust anything.

  11. Rocket Girl

    Hey don’t laugh. I would have killed for a device like this during the “Great Houston Evacuation” for hurricane Rita. We were some of those unfortunate souls everyone saw on CNN roasting on the freeway. We finally managed to get off the freeway after going 40 miles in 15 hours. Found a nice state park to sleep in the car. Oh joy. You wouldn’t believe some of the awful bushes I had to pee in. A thing like this could have been handy.

  12. AyMayZed

    I’d fancy that most underwear has as much old piss on it after a day’s use as this little spiggot.

    For the rest of it, what’s the fuss about standing up? The advertising spiel about not being able to void when squatting is bullshit.
    Squatting is the least error-prone position and lets one void small trickles as well as full streams.
    Quite a few, multiparous women and older men and women for example, are less capable of the bladder elasticity needed to accumulate enough for an easily-directed standing stream. Sqatting also encourages voiding those last few dribbles, which can make a difference when recovering from a bladder infection.

    I fancy that the only muscles less well developed than the Kegel group, in this chair-addicted patriarchy, are the quadriceps. Those things are evolved to take one’s entire weight with plenty of grunt to spare and they seem to have atrophied in most adults I meet.

    If people were more confident on their haunches, then a straddle urinal for women’s dunnies would be an achievable design and be a much more easily achievable fix for the disgusting misogyny of building codes these days. One could fit a couple of low-mounted pissoirs, including privacy partitions in the same space as a single dunny cubicle fits now, so the capitalists would have much less of a case for dragging their heels.
    As it is, the gutter outside my local pub is the women’s default pissoir on busy nights, when an equal number of men are all catered for by the installed plumbing.

    Reduction in reliance on full-flush pedestal units would have another public benefit of inducing many users to ditch tampons and pads into the main dry waste system – rather than flush them willy nilly into the sewers.

    And which demented anatomist designed a horizontal pedestal rim (and seat) that ends, in most cases, far too short to reliably contain a full female urine stream – unless the user rotates their hips back to a spine-cracking limit – or reduces the depth of their squat.
    One can indeed blame the patriarchy.

    For the proprietary piss-director, better a urinous piece of plastic in your bivvy bag than managing to get enough of your daks free of your harness to let fly if you’re caught somewhere on a rock climb – or forced to overnight in said harness. My old-fashioned solution when I still had the stupidity to believe that rock-climbing was somehow an elemental communion was a bit of tupperware with the bottom modified to direct the piss away from my clothes – because it was a nice deformable plastic and could be used to store food goodies until needed for the occasional strung-up piss.

  13. Twisty

    “I’d fancy that most underwear has as much old piss on it after a day’s use as this little spiggot.”

    Not my underwear. Here at the Twisty Bungalow we stock toilet paper, and we know how to use it, by gum.

  14. AyMayZed

    But does the typical Twisty Bungalow denizen wash the typical Twisty Bungalow cunt before demonstrating their dunny paper expertise?

    Wouldn’t you say that a smooth piece of plastic was as blottable, if not more so, than a folded and averagely hairy cunt?

  15. Sarah

    My boyfriend’s insane mother gave me one of these for my high school graduation present. A different brand, though: “Sani-fem”. Yeah, they make great presents. Very thoughtful. *gag*

  16. yami

    I tried one of those once, but couldn’t relax enough to pee with it. Jettisoning my remaining modesty and pulling my pants down in the middle of topographyless desert was far simpler… but of course, the desert doesn’t have mosquitoes. I fully intend to try my, um, hand, at the Deviceless Standing Pee before revisiting the unsewered bits of Minnesota…

  17. That Girl

    This made soda come out of my nose. Thanks you so much for the laugh. Im glad you seem to be feeling better.

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