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Dec 29 2005

When I Was A Douchebag


Actual douchebags

All this talk of douchebags has put me in a nostalgic humor. Viz:

Unless you are in a rock band, or used to be in a rock band, and therefore know the torment that is the Band Photo, you probably won’t find The Hall Of Douchebags too hilarious. I do, though, despite the site’s deeply retarded sexist tone. Arrested development, alas, is the cornerstone of the Local Rock Band Industry.

Anyway, the deal is people send in band photos and these Rock And Roll Confidential guys mercilessly deride them with mocking captions.

There are so many band photos in existence because of a pervasive myth in the local rock band industry. This myth states that a local rock band must have a press kit. A press kit is a manila envelope containing the aforementioned photo, your band bio (which must include the phrase “The Massengills burst on the scene in 2002 with a totally unique sound reminiscent of the MC5 and Kleenex!”), a few press clippings written by your friends at the local newsweekly, and a copy of the CD you produced in your basement. All local rock bands send press kits to record stores, radio stations, booking agents, clubs in hip cities they’ll never play, SXSW, and newspapers. Which is a mystery, because the last time anybody ever actually looked at a press kit (except to make fun of the photos and bios) was in 1946. The CDs instantly get thrown in the trash. Ask anyone.

See if you can spot La Twisty in this Hall of Douchebags photo!

I definitely blame the patriarchy for that tutu.

18 comments

  1. Christopher

    The king of all stupid band photos is the one of Rush on the back of 2112.

    One thing I’m a bit perplexed at is the fact that in that gallery theres seems to be a subgenre of band photos that I would call “ordinary looking guys in t-shirts”.

    Really, if you’re just going to stand listlessly under harsh lighting wearing an “I’m with stupid” T-shirt and a pair of old but not torn jeans, what’s the damn point? Shouldn’t you break out the nice clothes, instead of going with your laundry day ensemble?

  2. norbizness

    “Submitted by: David Collett” Somebody’s getting a very special Hickory Farms gift basket next year!

    I think I saw you guys at the old Electric Lounge in 1992, although that “Fabulous Baker Boys” act got pretty old.

  3. sunny in texas

    i think i deleted all existing copies of my band’s photo… i hope, i hope, i hope.

  4. curiousgyrl

    I would totally make out with Twisty. Even in that hideous tutu.

  5. anne

    my flu is now miraculously and instantaneously gone, thanks to that photo.

    bless you, salaam, etc. etc., cough a bit, chew on some net.

  6. Liz

    Ahahahaha! I love it: “Blind Earl Shapiro was one of the last great blues bicycle hornists.” Excellent site. Laugh o’ the Day Award goes to Spitzie.

    However I do wish all these people would quit sticking their damn heads into my cubicle to keep asking if I’m drunk.

  7. bitchphd

    What I love is that your kind of wry grin in that picture does a great job of undercutting the tulle.

  8. laughingmuse

    I love the hair color, and the fact that the tutu has little flowerbud thingys on it. The details make it classic! :)

  9. laughingmuse

    …and I have to add, a ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, some of the comments are great, I am stifling laughter.

  10. kactus

    I liked The Bricksie Chicks. Hehe.

  11. ae

    Great hair, Twisty. And actually I’m not hating the tutu. On anybody else, yes, but somehow you can pull it off. I’m thinking a coral cashmere warm up suit top would complete the ensemble.

    My favorite caption: ” Rage Against The Third Period Algebra Teacher.” Ha. I thought MC Cul de Sac was inspired, too. Damn, that site is addictive.

    P.S. I have a crush on Jason.

  12. The Fat Lady Sings

    All I can say is – you are one brave woman!

  13. Twisty

    P.S. I have a crush on Jason.

    Get in line, sister. The dude is a total rockstar now.

  14. Ms Kate

    What? No brick wall behind you? It isn’t just for Canadian bands, you know – taking the band picture in front of a brick wall is an absolute must for having your press kit taken seriously! No wonder.

  15. sunny in texas

    no wonder the blues band’s presskit never went anywhere. we had it done in front of a classic corvette.

  16. Amanda Marcotte

    You’re boo-tee-fool in your tutu. I love it.

    But ahem to the press kit. When forced to at gunpoint, I’ve put on CDs sent with press kits, always to my dismay. But no, I’ve never read a press kit and don’t know anyone who has.

  17. kathy a

    this website made me laugh so hard! thankfully, i can still respect you, since you went with tulle, roses, and hair-color-not-found-in-nature, rather than the brick wall or the “we’re available for bar mitzvahs” look.

  18. Twisty

    Oh, you can totally respect me. My band was way cool. We burst on the scene in 1996 with a totally unique sound reminiscent of every big dumb indie punk band that ever existed.

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