But wait. Here's Bert getting his front leg chewed off by his cousin Fletch.
But wait, before I go, here is an article that exemplifies nearly everything I find repellent in modern culture. Reflect, if you will, on this, the opening paragraph.
Four women who were arrested for baring their breasts on a Finger Lakes village street this summer say they will sue to recover legal costs — and for, quote, “pain and suffering.”
Two things are going on here. One, women were arrested for having boobs, which is insane. Two, the news report itself is a bunch of sexist crap, which is insane.
Observe that the writer, who clearly robbed her employer if she accepted remuneration for writing this blurb, superfluously appends the word “quote” to her actual quotation. Is she afraid her readers might not recognize as quotation marks the little comma-esque shapes floating near the phrase “pain and suffering” ? If so, isn’t she worried she’ll confuse them by omitting to finish with the word “unquote”?
Alas, “quote” is used here idiomatically and facetiously. As it would in a typical conversation between a couple of knobs, it serves the function–so important for a news organization making its living off patriarchy–of expressing disdain for the women. The subtext of “suing for, quote, ‘pain and suffering'” is that it is outrageous for these stupid whores to object to being arrested for boobs.
The actual outrage is that it’s 2006 and boobs are slaves to the state and are closely policed by the pornsick community. When they are exposed to view, as they must necessarily be when the shirt comes off to, say, facilitate the ventilation of the rest of the body to which the breasts are attached, it is necessary to punish them for the crime of asserting their own autonomy. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
The phrase “baring their breasts” is similarly outrageous. It implies that the women were committing acts of profound sexbot subversion merely by having boobs. When a man strolls through Finger Lakes, New York without a shirt, is he said by the Syracuse news stations to be “baring his breasts”? Is he said to be “topless”? Even if he sticks his chest out and shimmies like a Ford Fiesta trying to go 50?
He is not.
Nope. In fact, it’s hard to believe, but the Syracuse news stations hardly ever consider it news when a dude takes off his shirt. That’s because a dude without a shirt is just garden-variety gross, whereas a member of the sex class without a shirt is a skanky, purulent boil on the butt of Jesus. Any time Jesus is inconvenienced it’s news.