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Jan 07 2006

Three Things That Make Me Want To Puke

I regret to say that the Twisty inbox, notorious for spewing tragedy and despair into my bungalow each morning, has repulsed me to an even more spectacular degree than usual today.

First I am apprised that “millions” of women are so demoralized by the universal sexbot mandate to be thin that they become “desperate” dieters so obsessed with food that they prefer “unhealthy treats to a night of passion,” lie about what they eat, and hide snacks under their mattresses.

Next is a piece on how self-help relationship books are selling like hotcakes, and why women are overwhelmingly their audience (“they’re prone to seeking guidance”). Men, apparently, shun all reading material that isn’t titled “How To Fuck Hot Bitches For Free While Watching Football.”

Self-help books that advocate women’s “self-empowerment,” by the way, are universally described as “sassy.” Although a Recchuiti caramel says they’re not as sassy as “How To Fuck Hot Bitches For Free While Watching Football.”

So why are women striving to diminish their physical dimensions while simultaneously seeking from assholes like Dr Phil fictional formulae for happiness in unfulfilling heterosexual relationships? What would make a sane person want to torture herself with food and study a pop treatise designed specifically to both exploit her insecurities and mystify the behavior of her oppressor, all at the same time?

ValetGirls, that’s what.

Hot chicks park your ride. You can specify what you want them to wear. Choices include bikinis and lingerie.

Given the option of hiring acne-riddled teenage boys in red vests or beautiful and sexy models and actresses trained in safety and hospitality, we’re betting our success that restaurants, boutique hotels, clubs and private parties will prefer the latter.

They’re filling the last porn-free niche on earth, where titillation has traditionally been all but non-existent: that grievously unsexy moment of vehicular disembarkation. Metrosexuals of the world rejoice. Now you can get a lap dance between the driveway and your cousin’s wedding.

29 comments

1 ping

  1. Will

    If breasts and butts are to be used by the forces of evil, the forces of good need to get into the game. Maybe the various Divisions of Child Support Enforcement could hire Hooters girls to collect child support arrearages?

  2. Christine

    I hate Dr. Phil! When are his 15 minutes going to be up?

  3. jenofiniquity

    dear twisty, you’re on absolute fire with these past two posts. brava.

  4. Betsy

    Evidently the valet parking jobbers don’t pay the “girls” enough for 3 out of 5 to have their roots done in a timely manner.

  5. Hattie

    Your sense of outrage and your sense of humor have not succumbed to chemo, I see.
    Boy Dr. Phil. He’s ugly. Can you imagine him touching you? EEEEW!

  6. piny

    Uh, I can now.

  7. Burrow

    WTF!!!! Not only to I have to see people watching porn in their cars (happened several times, ew) but now I may have to deal with more objectification in my car by seeing women in bikinis parking cars!!! ARGH!!!! Damn it, with the lack of billboards in WA I got to have a relatively sexism free car ride (except the porn) ACK!

  8. Violet Socks

    God Alfuckingmighty. Because obviously straight women don’t drive cars and don’t park. No, we’re weird, alien beings, a tiny insignificant proportion of the population. Everybody knows that the default human is a middle-aged Viagra-popping white male asshat.

  9. Mimi

    “So why are women striving to diminish their physical dimensions while simultaneously seeking from assholes like Dr Phil fictional formulae for happiness in unfulfilling heterosexual relationships? What would make a sane person want to torture herself with food and study a pop treatise designed specifically to both exploit her insecurities and mystify the behavior of her oppressor, all at the same time?”

    Could it be that they learn it from their mothers–the very same mothers who teach their boys that they, as women, are the “pleasers” of the patriarchy? And so it goes on and on and on and on……

  10. kcb

    They’re filling the last porn-free niche on earth, Nah. That would be brass poles in delivery rooms and/or nursing homes. Bet on it. I’m guessing “Strippercize” will be on the rec list at Golden Years Manor by the time I get there.

  11. Summer

    Strangely, this post brought back a memory for me: As a 4-5 year old girl, I hid crackers under my bed. Zestas, I think. Red box. Salty.

    Maybe Dr. Phil can help me sort out this’un…

  12. Liz

    Not sure I want a woman in a thong or otherwise scantily clad sitting on my leather seats. Yuck.

    Liz

  13. Shelly

    At least leather can be easily cleaned. Cloth, not so much. Ugh.

    Twisty, thank you for turning patriarchy blaming–something that normally makes me want to cry in despair–into a simultaneously infuriating and entertaining experience. You rock!

  14. Ms Kate

    We don’t drink beer either. Gay guys don’t drink beer or shave any more too. Gotta get that bimbo into the male bonding ad or those right wingnut calls start coming in.

    I think the best SNL “fake commercial” I ever saw was the gay guy fantasy beer ad. Hysterically funny AND provocative.

  15. mythago

    Men, apparently, shun all reading material that isn’t titled “How To Fuck Hot Bitches For Free While Watching Football.”

    Want to make your first million? Change “fuck” to something more Wal-Marty and write it.

  16. jaye

    Twisty-and-Shout:
    You have hit upon something that is so eye opening and thought provoking–pointing out the exploitation of victims as entertainment or as do gooder causes. Kerry exploiting someone he thinks he is helping, SVU exploiting victims–rape, kiddy porn, etc. How much of the culture is comfortable nesting in this exploitation and people just don’t notice. The Passion of the Christ as snuff film, the evening news as violent porn, the treatment of mental illness as comedy–that horrible new Jane Curtain vehicle? Lifetime movie of the week, rape the lead female character for ratings, doctors are such funny drunks.

  17. Alex

    Of course! It’s the mother’s fault! When in doubt, just blame mum!

  18. Disillusioned kid

    Does anyone else find it weird how much emphasise the Valet Girls site puts on their drivers’ skills, trainning and monitoring? As if anybody who is gonna hire people from them gives a damn about their driving ability.

  19. Violet Socks

    I couldn’t remember that commercial so I went found it online. Hi-larious. Thank you, Ms. Kate!

  20. Violet Socks

    Thinking of this as a straight woman, I keep imagining how I would feel if I were on a date with a man at some swank restaurant, we pull up, and some frigging bimbo in a bikini appears to park our car. I mean, it would be like going on a date with your man to Hooters or the Playboy Mansion. That’s certainly the fine dining experience I’m looking for — to feel threatened, objectified, AND humiliated, all before we even get in the goddamn door!

    These asschumps are in LA, right? LA, where the sex-class status of women is an even more blatant fact of life, if possible, than anywhere else in America. What little time I’ve spent there suggests women in LA have grown used to the Playboy Mansion type atmosphere. Sexbots EVERYWHERE.

  21. Christopher

    I wonder how many of the dieters in that poll were dieting for medical reasons?

    Because what’s the point of dieting to the point where you’d rather have a tasty snack then sex? I thought part of the point of dieting was to get people to want to have sex with you. So… if you don’t want sex, and you aren’t unhealthily obese, why bother?

    Also, if your partner is encouraging you to break your diet, doesn’t that maybe indicate they think you’re fine without dieting?

  22. Becker

    Since I’m glad to encourage Twisty’s literary endeavors at every turn, here are some possibly acceptable euphemisms:

    nail
    screw
    hit
    bang
    pork
    plow

    None of these is nearly as offensive as “fuck” and so should work fine.

  23. Alex

    Because what’s the point of dieting to the point where you’d rather have a tasty snack then sex? I thought part of the point of dieting was to get people to want to have sex with you. So… if you don’t want sex, and you aren’t unhealthily obese, why bother?

    I think the point is that women are made to feel repulsive unless they fit the idealised standard of beauty, and many women become ashamed of eating as a result.

    Also, if your partner is encouraging you to break your diet, doesn’t that maybe indicate they think you’re fine without dieting?

    Maybe he’s not actually trying to sabotage her diet; he could just be offering her some cake as a nice gesture. However, if he’s consciously trying to sabotage her diet, this indicates control issues on his part rather than happiness with her body. If he’s genuinely concerned with her self image, shoving sweets in her face isn’t going to help a thing.

  24. Julia

    No…have to change fuck to “get a blow job”…don’t want to miss any of the game!

  25. Ms Kate

    Actually, guys who like hot carz seem to get turned on by women who actually know how to drive. Despite my zaftig shape and perennial lack of make up, I’ve had more beemer and other “performance” car drivers try to pick me up when I have beat them off the line in a Volkswagon Rabbit diesel.

    Weird. Very Weird.

  26. weeza

    I used to keep peanuts under my mattress, but they gave me terrible bruises. Even through 100 mattresses.

  27. veet

    I’ll say! Just discovered you all. Oh happy day!

  28. Liz

    That’s it, Julia. Or even better how about: “How To Make Millions While Getting Blow Jobs From Hot Bitches For Free While Watching Football.” Guaranteed best seller!

    Maybe Twisty will buy a huge villa in the South of France with her six-figure book advance and we can all go stay with her.

  29. Nebris

    If I had to name a stereotypical LA sleezebag for a screenplay, I couldn’t do better than a ‘Brad Salztman’.

    On a related note, a friend who worked as an EMT while getting her RN told me that at least once every month she and her crew would pull a dead dude out of a wreaked car with an Accujack clamped on his dick. That’s an automatic masturbater that you can plug into the cigarette lighter.

    Thought that lil’ gem would perk you up.

    Michael

  1. Why Blogging Is Worthwhile » I Blame The Patriarchy

    [...] from the comments for obvious reasons: A friend who worked as an EMT while getting her RN told me that at least once [...]

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