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Jan 15 2006

Great News


"I contribute gender-specific floor-cleaning-savvy to my marriage!"

Great News For Ugly Rich Aussie Dudes

Isn’t this cute? What Australian women want is a man who is “financially-savvy.” The article doesn’t say what Australian men want, except that it definitely isn’t a woman who is financially savvy. That’s because everybody agrees: men are better with money! Women are better with unpaid housework!

No word on what queer Australian women want. They’re invisible!

Great News For Exhausted Straight Girls

Blow jobs give men venereal disease. That’s right. Bacteria in the human mouth can cause “a gonorrhea-like condition known as urethritis” when loosed upon the blue-veined swaybacked throbber. So now, when the thought of choking on that flaccid bratwurst even one more time makes your stomach book the next flight to Cabo, you can tell him you’re just too concerned about his dickal health to suck him off. Or, you could just dump him.

17 comments

  1. Artemis

    Hahahahahahaha! I’m sorry, but that’s the greatest excuse EVER for not giving blowjobs :)

    Also a great excuse to get guys to wear flavoured condoms (practice safer sex!!!!!!!) when giving blowjobs.

  2. Sola

    The article’s author just quotes what two men think the data means. They fail, somehow, to ask a woman why she would prefer a “financially savvy” man. One possibility: the women surveyed have mistakenly lent money to, provided housing for, and otherwise supported irresponsible men, and they plan to avoid such mistakes in the future.

    My friends’ complaints support my own experience that a woman who owns her home and has a solid income becomes a magnet for men who “are going through a rough period.” Strangely, the “rough period” never ends.

    Of course, women can be leeches, too. Maybe the men in the survey didn’t care so much about that because the men aren’t also picking up after, cooking for, and scrubbing the toilet of their little helpless pet.

  3. manxome

    Sola, dead on. I want financially savvy not to save me from my womanly ignorance, but because in a partnership, people need to be on the same page.

    Oh, and I might have some of that experience lending money to, providing housing for, and otherwise supporting an irresponsible man going through the perpetual rough period.

  4. joy

    I agree with Sola and Manxome. I am financially savvy, thank you, and my partner had best be, too. While I haven’t had the unfortunate experience of giving housing, money, etc. to irresponsible men, I’ve seen how my father’s lack of financial practicality has caused difficulties in my parents’ marriage, and I don’t want that for myself.

    On the other topic, who needs questionable (methinks) research as a reason to not give a blow job? If you don’t want to, just don’t, while bearing in mind that your partner may exercise that same right.

  5. Hattie

    I think the stuff some men seem to be demanding for sex these days may contribute to women turning against them. Anal sex, in particular.
    I have also found that sex becomes less important as a woman gets older, and money becomes more important. At least that is the case with me.

  6. Nia

    these comments about marriage & money make me furious because newsreporter always conveniently forget that since women normally live longer than men, they are in a much greater need of being finantially literate.

    On the second one, my mother, who in spite of being against abortion is my favourite doctor and my favourite feminist, once told me that the things that a mouth can transmit to a set of genitals of either sex can be a lot nastier than the things that said genitals can transmit to a mouth. So no news there.

  7. Pinko Punko

    I’ve always heard it described as “purple veined”.

    Speaking of flaccid bratwurst, I think we already have the visual metaphor you were looking for, Twisty. Safe for work kids, it IS a flaccid bratwurst.

  8. Twisty

    Eww! Gross!

  9. thebewilderness

    I have spent the morning and it would appear a good part of the afternoon, going back through the archives. I wish I had thought to do so while you were gone. I found your blog as a result of the pie fight exodus. This new format makes prowling the archives very pleasant. Thank you Twisty. I see now that you have always been uber fabulicious.

  10. Pinko Punko

    I can’t wait for the anti-anti-anti-anti-BJ backlash where the Althouse or worse Kate O’Beirne’s of the world start hawking “chlorox for your dirty whore mouth” so that you don’t give your man’s man meat dickotosis. You know “show those feminists you reject their immoral oral fauna”.

  11. Nebris

    I learned very early on, that in this Social Order, most men judge a woman by the size of her tits and most women judge a man by the size of his wallet.

    Actually, a quick Listerine rinse just before head would give my johnson that lovely tingly feeling. *Patriarchal leer*

    ~M~

    ..and the two times I got that ‘thang’, it was from guys..

  12. Twisty

    Once again, eew. The less talk of johnsons, the better.

  13. Lauren

    Thank you, thank you for the Strangers With Candy reference.

  14. Dim Undercellar

    We need a pool on how quickly the “impartial medical establishment” will find and get FDA approval for something to cure that nasty bacteria problem, while still stalling on the HPV vaccine.

    Put my nickle on “Available via RX by the end of the week, and OTC by Valentine’s Day.”

  15. Josef K

    How surprising and yet convenient that a survey commissioned by a bank shows that financial prudence, i.e. keeping money in a bank instead of stuffed under the mattress with your spunk-soaked socks, will bring women flocking to your door.

    It’s almost as if the bank already has enough female customers, because women are better at behaving like responsible adults with their finances, so they’re trying to get people who earn 100% of their dollar instead of 80%. But that’s just silly! Of course it was an independently commissioned survey using a large data sample and rigorous testing methods.

  16. Charles

    “immoral oral fauna” Somehow I can love the sound of the words while yet being grossed out by the meaning.

  17. emjay

    I must admit I’m getting a little enjoyment out of the idea that there’s an STD out there that seems to affect men more than women. Take that, HPV-givers! And cunnilingus is not likely to cause this particular STD. Proof that God is a woman, methinks.

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