Archive for January, 2006



Open Letter To Chefs Ordering Salad Greens For Their Supposedly Upscale Restaurants

It is not generally known, but frisée is grown on Mars, and causes existential crises in laboratory mice
Quit putting this unholy crap in my salad.
It isn’t just me. Nobody likes it.
(I look forward to the flurry of comments unified by the theme “I Adore Frisée You Barn-bred Cretin”)
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Ay-yi-yi Redux

Oh man, I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming. Victoria’s Secret is selling mindless sexbotism to pubescent girls with a new line of unmentionables called—what else—Pink (the color popularized by the Hustler cunt), and Molly Saves the Day has got their number.
Victoria’s Secret has essentially started marketing merchandise that says “INSERT VULVA […]

Future Shock

Ro-Tel a-leaping
Yesterday evening as I was preparing my dinner (a chef’s salad of somewhat fridgeworn ingredients too ugly to photograph) the phone rang. After a protracted search during which I accidentally stepped on the dog’s tail and let my roasting pine nuts burn on the stove, I located the handset. It had become trapped —like […]

A Cult Is A Cult Is A Cult

This Muslim Pakistani dude is all rah-rah Islam. His religion is the greatest! It’s so great, he claims, that Christian women—i.e. white chicks—are converting in absolute droves. Why? Because Islam “gives women uncanny respect in the society especially in the roles of Mother, sister, daughter and wife.”
(As long as they don’t get themselves raped).
The dude […]

Johnson City Confidential

Whenever business takes me to Johnson City, TX–which occurrence is not all that infrequent since the ancestral home of LBJ is also the locale of El Rancho Deluxe, the rural seat of the Fasters–I make it a point to visit the Hill Country Cupboard for a plate of chicken-fried steak.
Chicken-fried steak, for those unfamiliar with […]

From The Ay-yi-yi Department

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Mississippi Sports Writer Explains The Ladies

“Seems like every time you turn around outdoors there’s a woman in sight. ”
I curled a cynical lip at this sublimely patronizing article in a Mississippi newspaper describing a new breed of lady who courageously withdraws from the safety of her natural habitat (her house) to go fishing. This startling “new” woman is “dirty and […]

‘Baccy-Chaw Expectoration Update

At last! I can pack up my patriarchy-blaming shingle. Gender equity among teen tobacco-spittin’ rednecks has been achieved. Now rural southern girls can enjoy the same disgusting cancers as the boys.
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Twisty’s Chicks-In-High-Office Korner

President-elect Michelle Bachelet, who was separated at birth from Martina Navratilova
This will be brief, since there aren’t that many chicks in high office.
As the world’s foremost expert on South American politics, you can count on me to be within several weeks of breaking news in Chile (birthplace of one of my favorite fruits). I just […]

Don’t Worry, Here’s The Curry

By popular demand, here’s the recipe for that chicken curry.
Make a pot of basmati rice and let it sit, covered, on the stove while you make the chicken.
Sauté a bunch of onion, garlic, and ginger in butter until soft. Add a handful of curry powder, or whatever more authentic combination of curry-esque spices you prefer, […]




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