Feb 09 2006

Behold My Dinner

I’m afraid I shot today’s load of literary hooliganism answering y’all’s abundant emails, so possibly you can content yourselves with this fried rice, which I ate while watching the accursed “American Idol.” I hate the insipid pop crap to which the tragically misshapen contestants aspire, but I love when powerful rich people tell crazy-nobody-people they are pieces of shit!

By the way, re: the Fat Schizophrenic post, which really seems to have chapped the collective hide, please see more at Pandagon, Shakespeare’s Sister, Feministe, and this just in: Big Fat Carnival at Alas.

Oh, and, remember that braindead pedophile who raped the pre-teen and then married her because they were “in love”? He got jail time! Of course, no small feminist victory is complete without the requisite undermining by standard misogynist reportage: the CNN story alludes to young Crystal as a “child bride” rather than as a “rape victim.” Tra la la, all in a day’s work for the Penetration Booster Society.


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  1. RCinProv

    I bet this would look even better with the Holga!

  2. robin


    I am wildly drawn to the meals shown in your photos.
    I crave them but am too lazy/busy to actually make them for myself.
    I want that rice and I want it NOW!!


  3. norbizness

    Look for a dramatic uptick in random Google hits with the inclusion of the phrase “Penetration Booster.”

    BTW, the combination fried rice at Java Noodle on E. Oltorf is the best I’ve had here or in Houston (which is saying something, given the vast variety).

  4. Kelley Bell

    My, My, You do have a way with words Twisty. (Grin)

    But speaking of rape, The Biting Beaver has revealed her Warrior Spirit, and deserves an ovation.

    Check it out:


  5. Liz

    When I win the lottery I’m going to blow my entire wad buying and framing prints of Twisty food art.

  6. BitingBeaver

    LOL, Ok, so I check in on my sitemeter thingy-ma-bob and see all these Patriarchy blamers shuffling over to The Den. Of course, being the entirely too curious for my own good type, I zip on over and Lo and Behold, my old friend Kelley Bell has mentioned me.

    I adore surprises *grin*.

    And damnit Twisty, I hate coming here and seeing all your photos of food! It makes me all hungry-like and I look at my PB&J and want only to throw it into the garbage disposal, le sigh. Ahhh well, PB&J will suffice for today, and see? I even put Strawberry Jam on it instead of that gobbery mass of nasty Grape Jelly.

  7. thebewilderness

    While I feel I should apologize for the schmaltzy stuff, none the less, you are the adorable one and I love you like a pig.

  8. wheelomatic

    Gosh, as much as I lurves me some Twisty and the gallery at the Morsel Institute, I fear I must go against the grain and object to this photo.

    You see, it contains ~celery~ which in the humble Wheel opinion is lower than the dreaded frisee.

    Frisee may be ugly and awkward when placed with its peers (much like myself) at least it has a piquant (or at least in my case, bitter) bite. And it adds humor value.

    Celery on the other hand is stringy, pointless, flavorless filler. It adds crunch you say? So do sugar snap peas or romaine or water chestnuts. And since when should chili or spaghetti sauce be crunchy?

    The French and their tradition of mirepoix not withstanding, faugh I say to celery.

  9. Amber

    You’ve inspired me to make fried rice tonight. I’m gonna try to imitate what I see them do at the Japanese steakhouse, but you got any tips for me, Twisty?

    I can see this ending with my dog’s stomach full of fried rice that’s landed on the floor, and me heating up leftovers or something.

  10. wordgirl

    I was going to make spaghetti for dinner, but now I have this uncontrollable urge for fried rice. And there shall be no rest in all the land until I have procured a bowl that looks exactly like the one pictuered here.

  11. wordgirl


  12. Twisty

    Wordgirl: Crate & Barrel.

    Fried Rice

    1. Cook basmati rice. Refrigerate overnight, or let sit at least an hour.
    2. Chop of veg. of choice. I always use corn and red bell pepper and scallion and garlic and onion, plus something green (celery, Wheelomatic, if there are no snap peas lying around, just for color). Cilantro.
    3. Heat oil in wok on pretty high heat. Add onion, stir-fry 2 minutes. Add rice. Stir-fry 3 minutes.
    4. Add the rest of the veg. in terms of how long it takes’em to cook.
    5. When everything’s about ready, add TwistyMix to taste: 1 pinch each ground coriander, cumin, curry powder, salt, pepper. 2 pinches chili powder. 1/2 pinch ground ginger, cardamom. Stir.
    6. Drizzle with toasted sesame oil. Toss.
    7. Drizzle with lo-sod soysauce. Toss again.
    8. Dump into attractive vessel. Carefully inspect for images of Virgin Mary crying tears of blood. If Mary=false, eat.

  13. Ms Kate

    hey twisty! That’s the way I make fried rice too! I like to take it to potlucks where there may be vegans afoot, or veggies if i end up throwing egg in it. I take home empty bowls each time. Sometimes I make it with stuff out of the garden that I picked coming in up the walk.

    Now I want spring/summer back … wahhhh.

  14. kathy a

    hmm. i do the stiffer veggies for a few minutes before putting the rice in — broc, carrot slices. and garlic [or garlic powder] is essential. otherwise, classic recipe!

  15. octopod

    Oh crap. Sorry about that last thing. Here’s the meaty part of that abstract:

    “Sex differences in children’s toy preferences are thought by many to arise from gender socialization. However, evidence from patients with endocrine disorders suggests that biological factors during early development (e.g., levels of androgens) are influential. In this study, we found that vervet monkeys (Cercopithecus aethiops sabaeus) show sex differences in toy preferences similar to those documented previously in children. The percent of contact time with toys typically preferred by boys (a car and a ball) was greater in male vervets (n=33) than in female vervets (n=30) (P

  16. Famous Soviet Athlete

    My dark secret is that I’ve never been able to make rice without either burning it or ending up with a gloppy, gray substance that while not edible, is perfect for plugging up the leaks in my kitchen ceiling.

    I realize that I need plumbing skills, but in the meantime, should I invest in a rice steamer?

  17. Famous Soviet Athlete

    I just noticed that when people leave comments here they have to click on the “Submit” button. Is there a way to change that to “Blame?”

  18. Twisty

    Good question. I’ll look into it.

  19. Twisty

    Looks like it works, Famous Soviet Athlete. Good one.

    P.S. Since fried rice is one of the 3 food groups, yes, get a rice steamer. It’s a miracle you’re still alive.

  20. Joanna

    Yay, a blame button!

  21. Sylvanite

    Ha, ha! That was a great idea, Famous Soviet Athlete!

    I always intend to make fried rice out of leftover white rice from Chinese take-out, but always have an attack of laziness, and end up just throwing the rice away after it’s been sitting in the fridge for two weeks. Sigh.

    I second Wheelomatic’s contempt for celery. The stuff tastes like grass clippings.

  22. Amber

    Well lo and behold, I somehow had run out of rice without knowing it, so I made Fried Ramen Noodle instead. Just as good. Used some frozen mixed veggies, an egg, leftover curry chicken breast and some chopped red & yellow bell pepper. And lots of garlic and onion.

    Probably no self-respecting Asian would have touched it, but it was dern good.

  23. Twisty

    “Probably no self-respecting Asian would have touched it”

    A hungry one would have.

  24. CafeSiren

    Twisty, does the Morsel Institute take requests? If so, may I request an ode to homemade to that perennial favorite of bachelor farmers and spinster aunts alike, soup?

  25. M

    “If Mary=false, eat.”

    I have now adopted this as my new diet rule. Huzzah!

  26. thebewilderness

    Thanks for the blame button, all that submittin’ was getting on my nerves.

  27. Famous Soviet Athlete

    That’s it. I’m buying a rice steamer as soon as the idiots who currently own the means of production find it in their cold hearts to finally pay me for work I did months ago. I need rice!

    I’m really just commenting this time so I can push the beautiful button of blame.

  28. Ms Kate

    Rice cooker? Can’t live without the 12 cup variety in my household, not the way Hubbie and #1 Son can suck down a dry kilo of the stuff in no time.

    I am proud to say that when I did a well-paid but braindead focus group sometime back, my answer to the “what was the last kitchen appliance you bought and where did you buy it” was “Rice Cooker” and “88 Supermarket”, not “whizblenderthingy” and “QVC”. Better yet, it was a replacement for one we wore out.

  29. Hysterical Woman

    Thanks a lot! I have a terrible sore throat and it hurts too much to swallow, so I can’t eat. Not that there is much around the house to eat.

  30. AyMayZed

    Famous Soviet Athlete,


    I had to find an excuse to return on the same day just so I could see that little blue button light up (on a Mac, you see)

    Blaming is never having to submit.

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