I kid! I kid! Patriarchy never takes a day off! That’s because patriarchy has rules, my young onions, and these rules are not made to be broken. One of the rules is this: somewhere, somehow, some bitch gotta get smacked up, 24/7! Go, male cohesion!
Here’s how today’s patriarchal crime spree is shaping up:
In Manchester UK a “schizioid” guy who’d had a “troubled childhood” got 21/2 years for killing his wife. He’d stabbed her so many times the medical examiner couldn’t count them all. Men always have excellent reasons for plungeing knives into their wives’ faces, and Mr Lumsden is no exception. His wife had been what’s known as “unfaithful.” This means she flouted the rule that says guys own their wives. She was pretty much askin’ for it.
In Australia, in order to buttress the hard-ons in the all-important 18-34 age group, a new lad mag launches! To differentiate it from tasteful periodicals that don’t focus quite so heavily on lower brain function (one of the more popular brain functions), the new mag is called “Zoo.” Its audience is young male primates, so it will necessarily feature porn–the “sexy girls” section– to reinforce the rule that guys own the world’s pussy. “We revere and respect girls,” says the publisher magnanimously. “They don’t have to be naked.” Research, apparently, has shown that “you can do girls in a very stylish way.” “Girls,” incidentally, is slang for “gash” or “trim.” “Stylish” means “wearing a Victoria’s Secret thong.”
In the States, teenage girls are used to being equated with the inanimate objects with which throbbing dudes who buy “Zoo” are obsessed (the other objects: cars, gadgets, and films). Maybe that’s why these girls are turning into drunks and druggies at breakneck speeds. Girls, in fact, have outstripped boys as loser dope fiends, according to WaPo. A Cornell professor opines that girls are snapping under the pressure imposed by the rule that they be rail-thin virgin sexbots, so they’re wearily drowning what’s left of their shattered selves in liquor and drugs.
Young girls, in fact, are of such negligible consequence in Man’s World that teenage boys can no longer distinguish them from the pictures in lad-mags. In Connecticut recently, three college boys were charged with “disorderly conduct” when they jacked off into a live sleeping girl’s face. Having obeyed the rule that says college boys must watch porn on the internet, they congratulated themselves on having lucked into discovering a sleeping chick in their dorm room, and decided it would be a really good idea to spew their hot loads all over her. I bet that felt good!
Boys learn to despise women from birth, but before they move up to porn-encrusted frat boy circle jerks, they must hone their misogynist skills in high school. Frank Vetro, a high school principal in Long Island, recently embarked on an 11-month “dirty phone call” spree. lllustrating the very popular rule that even supposedly educated men must regard women as receptacles for their uncontrollable incontinence, Mr Vetro enjoyed ringing up women in order to make “disturbing comments to them of the sexual nature.” With role models like Vetro, it is no wonder that, according to the Belleville News-Democrat, “one in every five [high school] girls is a victim of dating violence, sexual assault or rape.”
Teenage girls, apparently, are not being taught to recognize that when their boyfriends page them 18 times a minute, call them names, threaten them, and smack’em around, it is “abuse” rather than “love.” Thanks, pornsick patriarchy!
Oh, and I almost forgot to complain about Phyllis Schlafly’s asinine distinction between “spousal rape” and “stranger rape.” It’s just like Jesus says: “You marry it, you own it; plow that bitch, dawg!”