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Feb 12 2006

Hilarious Comment of the Day

“The average husband DOES feel as if he’s walking on eggshells every time his bowels fail suddenly, and he makes a hasty dash from the garden to the toilet with anything on his boots. (If a wife threw up in his car, with a touch of morning sickness, and he yelled at her, it would certainly be listed as abuse.)”

–”Sparticuss” on what bitches women are and how they torment defenseless men (comment deleted on grounds of whataboutthemenitude and incomprehensibility)

27 comments

  1. kcb

    The average husband DOES feel as if he’s walking on eggshells every time his bowels fail suddenly, and he makes a hasty dash from the garden to the toilet with anything on his boots.

    The average husband should stop eating eggshells. They’re hell on the bowels and a bitch to get off your footwear.

  2. Les

    Sudden bowel failure? There are just too many gross comments to make about that, so…..

    Maybe these poor, diarrhea-prone men wouldn’t feel like they were walking on eggshells if they, you know, cleaned up the mud they tracked in or did some sweeping later once they recovered from their latest bout with irritable bowel syndrome.

    Presumably, the morning sickness prone woman’s pregnancy was precipitated by an action she undertook with the hapless car owner. The only way these things are comparable is if the female partner is somehow causing bowel failure. In which case, it might be a good thing to think about downsizing that strap-on.

    If she’s putting ex-lax in his coffee because he’s such an ass, though, I can only encourage that.

  3. wheelomatic

    Yes Les! On all counts.

  4. Tony Patti

    The average husband is afraid! Yes, he is very afraid. Somewhere, somehow, someone might challenge his privileges. Someone might issue a complaint about him. Someone might treat him with something less than abject adoration.

    Take Big Dick Wiltingshit, for example. The other day some of his buddies caught him washing the dishes and wearing an apron. His wife made a critical remark to him, the kind of comment any decent man knows is called ‘bitching’, in recognition of the idea that only women have things to complain about over which they have no control or recourse other than verbal. They found themselves so aroused by these classic signs of domination that they lost control of their sexual impulses and fell upon him and treated him like a girl-type object. Now the poor guy is living in the ultimate hell a privileged male can imagine: He is a bona-fide member of the sex class.

    Big Dick Wiltingshit has learned the hardest way that surrendering the slightest, most symbolic vestige of male power can lead only to a complete loss of male privilege. Since men, as he well knows, cannot be held responsible for sexual arousal when confronted by any person showing signs of submission to another, he can only blame himself.

    His wife, an experienced member of the sex class herself, now holds him in limitless contempt and uses him mercilessly. The unspoken agreement between him and everyone else in our grand and noble patriarchy is to go out and rape someone himself, to reassert his status of male privilege.

    This is the fantasy world of fears and desires of the Patriarchy.

    I believe that most men are consciously afraid of being reduced to the status of women, which proves that they have some measure of contempt for the status of women, and some lack of respect for women because they are in this female state. If a golden day should dawn in which all men didn’t care if they were born a woman or a man, then I should think the Patriarchy had finally ceased to be.

    The most alarming trend of the last 30 years is the assumption that men are incapable of controlling their desires. This represents an eroding of the power of the sex class to a terrible degree, like being cast from a safe jail into a violent, lawless jail.

    PS I love the new ‘Blame’ button!

  5. Liz

    Woo hooo! Rock on down, TONY! That is the WORD.

  6. Burrow

    Hehehe. Awesome comments. And keep going with the ex-lax.

  7. Cass

    There’s always the fertilizer option. I can’t speak for the neighbors with a view into his backyard, but his helpmate may prefer it to his spoiling that “just-mopped look” in the kitchen.

  8. jami

    there are words for people who yell at other people for being sick, but it isn’t “husband” or “wife.” it’s “dick” or “asshole” or “bitch.”

    as i’ve never seen such behavior in my life, i must question whether it is really “average.” but then i’ve never been married.

  9. Harq al-Ada

    “If a golden day should dawn in which all men didn’t care if they were born a woman or a man, then I should think the Patriarchy had finally ceased to be.”

    Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think most men would care if we were born women. The reason we don’t want to be feminized is because we are afraid that women won’t have sex with us, and experience has shown that we are right. Heterosexual women ignore womanly men.

  10. roswitha

    Yes! That is why no one should endorse getting an average husband.

  11. M

    Any serious gardening household has lino between the door and the loo. And how long does it take you to kick your wellies off anyway?

  12. Twisty

    Harq al-Ada:”Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think most men would care if we were born women.”

    It’s just you.

  13. Clare

    Everyone is being very thoughtful and deep on this (and should continue to be so, of course), but the first thing I thought was: If I saw my husband run in from the yard and head straight for the bathroom with some sort of crippling lower intestinal pain, my first question would not be “what the fuck do you think you’re doing to MY floors” but “are you ok?”
    I’m a feminist and I’m a bitch and my husband and I argue all the time about my so-called radical beliefs, but I’ll be damned if all that overcomes my concern for my “average husband’s” wellbeing. On a scale of 1 to 10, me thinks Sparticuss hates women to the the sum of 11. Only someone who hates women thinks that the “average wife” truly cares more about her floors than her “average husband.” Maybe Sparticuss’ wife got tired of his woman hating behavior and couldn’t give two shits (no pun intended) any more about the fact that his tummy hurt.

  14. Tony Patti

    Men are also afraid that women won’t want to have sex with us if we relax our white-knuckle grip on male privilege for even a second! Because we assume that the power and privilege of being male is what they desire.

    What women desire is not such a huge mystery to me as it once was. I have somehow managed to figure out that even though women please me by exhibiting certain behaviors, a lot of the things I thought were the most natural were actually projections of what they though would please me.

    Like so many people, I’m awfully concerned with pleasing others. When I realized things were that way for women, too, I started to understand some of the challenges women face having sex in a patriarchy. Add in normal adolescent angst and there you have it: Women who have learned to hate themselves like men hate them, and have internalized it and now actually prefer the more abusive men who give them the masochistic pleasure of softly touching a ripe bruise every time they play the “I love you next I hate you” game.

    The women who prefer manly, abusive men are no different than the men they seek: they are not worth wasting your time with. The goal is not to feminize or masculinize but to humanize. There is no need to exagerrate or discourage any of the natural tendencies of being male or female if you find someone who just wants to be treated as a human being, and you want the same thing, too.

    Men who say that they wouldn’t mind being born female are pretty rare for at least two reasons: The first is that most men realize how easy it is to be a man, and the other is a few men realize how much it sucks to be at the mercy of men.

  15. Chris Clarke

    The women who prefer manly, abusive men

    Dude! Please not to conflate the two. Because I like the subsequent sentence better:

    There is no need to exagerrate or discourage any of the natural tendencies of being male or female if you find someone who just wants to be treated as a human being, and you want the same thing, too.

  16. Ms Kate

    Who cleans up the barf in the car? Woman. Who cleans up the boot mess? Woman.

    Just because the car is seen as “his” and the house as “hers” doesn’t mean that the owner cleans it! Arsehole.

  17. Sharoni

    I’m with MsKate. Women do most of the cleaning, most of the time. If a man does it, we never hear the end of it. Oh. You cleaned the kitchen once, ten years ago? Let me bow down to you yet again. Oh. You picked up the vacuum in 1987 and sucked up some mess? Let me lick your boots once more. I’m sick of it. I’m getting a maid. Preferrably a male sexbot type maid who will work for sex.

  18. Chris Clarke

    Oh. You cleaned the kitchen once, ten years ago? Let me bow down to you yet again.

    Heh.

    Becky had an all-women party yesterday, and though I was planning to vamoose to the hills, a headache made hiking kind of out of the question. So the dog, the rabbit, the guinea pig and I made ourselves a little all-male bastion in the office and stayed out of the women’s way as an act of solidarity.

    Until that is, my sister-in-law showed up with Sophie, our two-year-old niece. I don’t see her nearly often enough to suit me. Sophie has a big honking crush on Uncle Chris these days, and within about half an hour had launched into her barnacle impression. Another guest, a larval woman about nine years of age, decided to hang out with the two of us and pet the animals. She was engaging and fun to chat with. So I said “screw writing, I’m playing with the kids.” And we had silly fun for several hours.

    Becky reported after all had gone home that one woman after another had approached her and said “your husband is SO GOOD WITH KIDS.” This has happened before. (I am good with kids, but honestly it’s really a matter of taking advantage of the times when I have someone my own age to play with.) And yet again I wondered whether any of them would have taken notice were I devoid of Y chromosomes, and if my “being good with the kids wouldn’t have been thought of more as “child care.” Perhaps, because they were mostly teachers. But I dunno.

  19. Josef K

    The average husband DOES feel as if he’s walking on eggshells every time his bowels fail suddenly

    Does this guy realise he’s got a medical problem, or does he think that penis = faulty bowels?

  20. Betsy

    The reason so many women reject “womanly” men is in part because there are huge societal and financial penalties for choosing them.

    Marry a traditional breadwinner husband, get tax and health care benefits. Marry a non-traditional man who doesn’t work in a traditional male job, get … financial penalties, social penalties, and maybe no health insurance.

    The tax structure, social security benefit structure, and societal structure overall is set up to benefit so-called “traditional” breadwinner-homemaker combos. If a woman and her male partner don’t fit the mold, it costs them, both financially and otherwise.

    The patriarchy knows that universal health insurance and universal basic welfare security for people including children would undercut its goals of making women and their children dependent on men who occupy traditional patriarchal roles.

  21. Kate

    “Becky reported after all had gone home that one woman after another had approached her and said “your husband is SO GOOD WITH KIDS.”

    My ex conned me into letting him have my kids while I struggled to gain the skills to support them, anyway, he neglected them, relegated them to babysitters and exposed them to near sexual abuse. But he was a fucking hero. He liked all the praise and no one criticized that he didn’t go to work but stayed home and got welfare.

    He was a hero. Two years later when I had to go one welfare, I was a selfish whore.

    “The reason we don’t want to be feminized is because we are afraid that women won’t have sex with us, and experience has shown that we are right. Heterosexual women ignore womanly men.”

    I don’t like a man who acts like a woman. But then again, I don’t like an asshole either. I like chest hair, beards, mustaches, muscles and big dick. I like their deep voices and all the rest. I don’t want to fuck women. I want to have it with men. And I do.

    I don’t want them to become me, a woman. I only want them to respect me, a person.

    “The average husband should stop eating eggshells. They’re hell on the bowels and a bitch to get off your footwear.”
    “The only way these things are comparable is if the female partner is somehow causing bowel failure. In which case, it might be a good thing to think about downsizing that strap-on.”

    Laughed till I cried. Honestly.

    Men are all too preoccupied with their asses and what comes out of them which shows that they cannot get their minds off body orifices and I guess explains why said man confused fisting with being more liberal for his wife and now is suffering the consequences and blaming feminists for it all.

  22. LMYC

    Yeah, right. WOMEN don’t like effeminate men. That’s why WE’RE the ones who roam the streets like packs of rabid dingos looking for faggots to bash.

  23. Ms Kate

    I don’t like a man who acts like a woman. But then again, I don’t like an asshole either.

    Hear hear. I don’t exactly have much interest in a woman who acts like a woman, at least not a stereotypical girly girl woman. Booooorrrrrrinnnnnnnggggg.

    That said, I have always and ever been turned on madly by androgyny. Not male, not female, sort of both and neither. Most people like this are, in my assessment, not trying to be or not to be their own gender, but trying to be themselves regardless of stereotypical expression. Being rather andro myself, I find common ground here too.

  24. Sharoni

    Chris, your good with children stuff is an anomaly. That is why all the women commented on it. Most men can’t be bothered to look at children, much less spend time with them or be “good” with them. It’s also very perceptive of you to recognize that you were getting to “play with someone my own age.” A lot of men huff around and want to pretend they’re all grown up, when they are really just large children, who expect to be taken care of, day and night, by women. I blame the patriarchy.

  25. littlem

    I’m just being flip today, but we have to start with the assumption that this “average wife” MARRIED Spartacus. Such a lapse in taste might presumably extend to how she chooses her modern art for her floors.

    My personal art goes on my walls and is somewhat less organic. I can’t say anything better than TONY said it (or Twisty in her sharp retort) so I’m just riffing.

    Hee hee hee. (I have found that sometimes ridicule is effective.)

  26. Ron Sullivan

    I don’t like a man who acts like a woman.

    Which woman would that be?
    (Come to think of it, which man?)

    Women who have learned to hate themselves like men hate them, and have internalized it and now actually prefer the more abusive men who give them the masochistic pleasure of softly touching a ripe bruise every time they play the “I love you next I hate you” game.

    Tony, let me suggest a refinement to that. It’s not necessarily “pleasure” — and I suspect this is true of a lot of what gets called “masochism.” It’s not that it feels good; it’s that it feels right, meaning normal. The way it spozed to be.

  27. Ted

    If the car is his and the cleaning supplies are hers, she should throw up in his briefcase or in his lap out of consideration for his precious image machine.

    As a man, it grosses ME out to see how most men seem to feel such a need to build up their self image. Whether their sense of well being is derived from keeping an ‘inferior’ in tow or glowering like a pro wrestler, it’s all part of the same breast beating they seem to see as being required of them to refute accusations of wimpiness or homosexuality, or being a loser.

    And most of them will point the derisive finger at any other that stumbles, feeling a little safer that it should have another target than himself. Any that would object are quickly set upon in the same manner because they might blow it for the all rest.

    Artificial self esteem is illusory and serves to mask insecurities that they dare not acknowledge even to themselves. Damage that illusion and, male or female, expect defensiveness that can range from humiliation to physical violence. After all, their manhood is at stake.

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