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Feb 16 2006

Komedy Korner

Cast your jaundiced eye over the pinkfaced perv pictured above. He is wealthy Oregonian Loren Parks, who hits the Ass-Bag Trifecta by being a nutbag, a rightwingbag, and a dirtbag all at the same time. Greymatters hipped me to his outrageous website, the so-called Psychological Research Foundation, Inc, wherein he purports to offer “self-therapy for depression, phobias, anxiety, headaches, allergies, sleep problems, dyslexia, stage fright, etc.”

And of course “Lovemaking Techniques For Men.”

“A woman,” quoth Parks, who is not a licensed medical professional and who uses hyp-mo-tizing techniques to totally sockit to the ladies, “who arouses quickly and climaxes intensely and repeatedly is a real joy to be in bed with. I have encountered few of them EXCEPT those I created using the sex techniques I’m about to tell you about.”

Holy Mother of Tossed Salad. The hubris! The hubris! There are so many hilarious exerpts I hardly know where to start.
___________________________________________

– A GIMMICK: Try to get your wife to role play. Have her imagine she’s a prostitute and play that role.

– Remember, with a normal functioning woman there’s essentially no limit to the number of climaxes, and by your suggestions you can make them bigger. Of course they are mostly brought on by your fingers in the vulvar area. You can’t talk to her if your mouth is down there.

– Most American women are slow to climax and/or are inadequate responders and they fail to climax or their orgasms are so-so or they fake it. They usually lubricate poorly.

– If she can’t come, she may need to add 500 mg. histidine (an amino acid) 30 minutes or so before meals

– Talk softly into her ear, saying words like “It feels so good to be loved, caressed, held closely. Feels so good.” That last phrase must be given repeatedly but not mechanically. Fit it in with other patter. “Keep your mind right under my hand and feel the good feelings building up. Feels so good, so good, etc.”

– It’s no fun to try to have sex with a sack of potatoes.

– Being a hypnotist and she was a good subject, I proceeded to use the deep trance (amnesia and hallucinatory phenomena) to change her into various other women friends or relatives of hers and then make advances.

– I once gave a partner the suggestion in the deep trance that she was a sex machine–a character I defined for her. Let me tell you, that short woman was so wild that I, (6’2″), could only take it for a short while.

– If she has emotional blocks to responding, she may need therapy.
___________________________________________________

On the upside, it seems unlikely that there’s any way this penisface ever persuaded a real woman to sleep with him. At least, we can hope.

[via Loaded Orygun]

47 comments

1 ping

  1. Galloise Blonde

    Oh, this is too much. He’s just too bizarre and creepy and fucking twisted to handle. I mean, quite apart from the prostitute thing, and ‘American women are slow responders’, and persuading women they are their own ‘relatives’, and the ‘normal functioning woman’ trope, and the extreme fuglitude, why does he think height has anything to do with sex? Or does he just want us to know he’s ‘tall’.

  2. Jean

    “Or does he just want us to know he’s ‘tall’.”

    Shoe size! Wingspan!

  3. Emma

    A secretary working for me said she couldn’t come with a man inside. I took her on a beach trip, did therapy with her, got in bed, did more therapy and figured it was her own belief that she couldn’t that was in the way. So I did the rapid fire stuff as above and she came. She more or less denied it had happened but I knew she had.

    This was my favourite part of his site. A ‘therapist’ who unethically has sex with his own staff, and then denies their own perceptions of what’s going on with their bodies. He’s like the embodiment of patriarchy.

  4. M

    …’except those I created’. Right. So he’s down in the cellar doing Bride of Frankenstein?

    ‘It’s no fun to try to have sex with a sack of potatoes.’
    Ah, that would be his first experiments in creating sex-bots, got vegables instead. So he made them into a nice cheesy rosemary mash and started again.

  5. Josef K

    “If it has been your custom to just jab it in, you may have to make some changes.”

    How do you choose which bits to quote? It’s all comedy gold! I especially liked the bit about how premature ejaculation is normal because zoo animals do it.

  6. greymatters

    Brava!

    You sling your words with the same zip as you once served Rolling Rocks (to me) back in the day.

    GM

  7. Les

    “There are two reasons why you do this, and she must not object to your talking. First is that her mind tends to wander.”

    oh heh heh heh. if you have to /talk/ her out of her mind wandering by repeating “so good” over and over again, well, you sir may already be a loser.

    and really, if she’d rather hear you say “so good” than have your face buried in her crotch (“crotch” is such a sexy word) you should just kill yourself now.

    Lastly, why is Oregon so completely fucked up?

  8. Magdelena, FG, Od

    1. As immigrant to Oregonian I just have to say, this is a beautiful state but it is FILLED with bizarrities. When we make the news it’s for something like Tonya Harding or Lon Mabon. Don’t ask me why, I don’t claim to understand it. But feel sorry for us, we have to put up with this asshole mucking around in our politics. Check out the Willamette Week today http://www.wweek.com/story.php?story=2754

    NICE

    2. “You can’t talk to her if your mouth is down there.” – I thought that was the POINT of having him put his mouth down there. Sadly, I may have reached this conclusion because most men are so abysmally unskilled at this technique. How about a website teaching men to do that? Maybe that would save the poor dears from having to be subjected to our so-so orgasms.

  9. Violet Socks

    How about this, from the section about women he’s “trained” (he can give a “trained” woman an orgasm every 20 seconds):

    “After 56 orgasms she complained of being tired. We had just made an overseas flight from Oregon and were probably 20 some hours with no sleep when we started, so I quit at 56 orgasms.”

    I can’t stop giggling.

  10. Margaret

    Penis faced sex man is beyond revolting. This “well trained woman” just lost her sex drive. I blame the patriarchy!

  11. wheelomatic

    Ooooo! I scrolled down his topics to the part about curing cancer with hydrochloric acid! Citing articles from a publication that went defunct in 1935! Didja read that one Twisty? Will it save your whole life?

    I didn’t click on the link because I thought my head might explode. Same with the link about “the Wet Noodle Syndrome.”

    >>>>insert heeebie jeeeebies here

  12. Sharoni

    Oh puhleeeeeze tell me this guy is just joshin’? As a matter of fact, we need to hook him up with Josh. Josh can convert him to godbaggery, and he can tutor Josh in his marital duties, probably using the female staff as examples. Can we send him hate mail? I come frequently and intensely when I want to do so, and I’ve never met this guy. Remind me never to go to Oregon. I blame the patriarchy that this fucktarded asshole even learned to read, much less to foist himself off on the public as a “therapist!!!!” The only therapy going on there should be practiced on him, and I vote for random cattle-prodding and/or electro-therapy practiced on a daily basis – never mind the mouthpiece!

  13. Summerr

    Creeptastic.

    And also, ha!, he said “down there.”

  14. Kaka Mak

    From Loren’s site: “She was on top, sitting on me and of course I was inside her. I stimulated her clitoris with my fingers and got her aroused. When she became aroused I thrusted into her vigorously giving strong suggestions she was going to come and I got her off balance (to take her mind out of the circuit), grabbed her and pulled her down on me and she came.”

    Now go back to Twisty’s post and look at his penisface.
    Does anybody believe any of this for a second? For that matter, does anybody feel like eating ever again?

  15. jenofiniquity

    I like how he keeps referring to women as “they.” It’s all so very high school – the idea that he can “train” a woman to respond, the fixation on silly sexual gymnastics, the braggadocio, the gaucheness. Yechs all around.

  16. Liz

    Ooooh, don’t look now but Loren Parks can also cure cancer!

    In this curezone.com article, Parks says: When any woman suffers from depression and/or cancer, the first question I ask is “Have you had an abortion?” The reason is that there can be guilt locked into the subconscious that is affecting the person´s immune system or emotional state negatively. This in spite of their view that they´ve gotten over it.

    It’s just one pretty shiny little gem after another.

  17. LL

    EW. I can’t come up with anything more succinct. Blearg. I need a shower now.

  18. wordgirl

    Am I the only person who takes issue with this guy’s use of the term “trained woman”? What’s with all the whispering suggestions and commands into her ear like she’s a wild horse he’s attemtping to tame? And does anyone—and by this I mean ANYONE WITH A PULSE AND TWO FUNCTIONING EYES–believe for one minute that this guy is a sex guru and has regular sex with anything except his own hand? Just the idea of him sticking his hand inside any woman with the intention of making her come in 20 seconds or less makes my head explode and my innards heave.

  19. Burrow

    “Keep your mind right under my hand and feel the good feelings building up. Feels so good, so good, etc.”

    Good god if anyone ever said that to me in bed I would burst out laughing (I usually do, but that’s I’m having fun laughing, this would be oh my god you’re a moron laughing) and leave. WHat the helll? And if he’s supposed to be a therapist why is he afraid of saying things like clitoris? Why is it all “down there” and “wet noodle.” Sheesh I know 8 year olds who are les afraid of using the correct words for human sex organs.

    And no, Kaka Mak, I never feel like eating ever again, but I will take comfort in teh fact that I doubt he’s ever slept with anyone.

  20. Sabre

    Geh. What a disgusting little troll. He can shove his “training” up his ass sideways.

  21. Older

    Ohmygod, this dickhead is from Oregon? The embarassment!!

  22. Q Grrl

    “Any distraction due to smell or irritation will get in the way of a good result. ”

    Awwww. Where’s the love for girl funk?

  23. Kate

    I don’t know whether to laugh, or fly over and hunt him down. What planet evicted him?

  24. CafeSiren

    I’ll never look at an innocent sack of potatoes in the same way again.

  25. Sharoni

    With the shape of his head and the amusing, piquant (as in luxe soap) flavor of his “conversational” style, he may be from France? Although I’m sure that France would disown him quicker than spit. I feel like I’ve been through chemo – hey, maybe that’s how he cures cancer! He makes his “therapy” subjects so nauseous they just puke up whatever tumor might be inhabiting their bodies.

    Twisty, may you live a thousand years and see the downfall of the patriarchy.

  26. Jodie

    Hypnosis/hypnotherapy does NOT work the way he thinks it does.

    Gah. What an incredible creep!

  27. jezebella

    Yeah, this guy is totally full of shit. He’s made it all up, and he’s had about as much hot sex as Josh the Godbag. These are the letters he wrote to Penthouse Forum and never had the nerve to even send them, so he’s put them on the web. Seriously, some people just need to keep their fantasies to themselves.

  28. torridjoe

    Just to clarify–he WAS an Oregonian. He lives in Vegas now, which makes his huge financial support of our more troglodytic Republican candidates all the more sucktastic.

    Thanks for the link,
    TJ
    LoadedO

  29. Donna

    “It’s no fun to try to have sex with a sack of potatoes”

    Yeah, they just sit there, lumpenly. And they never wanna do that prostitute role-playing stuff. Booor-ing.

  30. Teenagecatgirl

    Somehow, I suspect he knows about sex with sacks of potatoes from looooong bitter experience.

    And seriously, he expects anyone to believe he made some woman come 56 times?! I’m with Violet Socks, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.

  31. Kat

    I need a few thousand showers after reading that. *shudder*

  32. Keeshond

    “I would many times change myself to Mickey Mouse (hallucinated by her) and make advances to her in her normal state and she would fight me off. This sounds terribly far-fetched unless you are familiar with deep trance phenomena. I’ll finish with this. One of her relatives (hallucinated) was a better, more passionate, responsive lay than she was in her normal state. So I often had sex with the fantasied woman she was pretending to be. She had no memory of the event afterwards unless I had her recall ”

    Yep, there’s just nothing hotter for a woman than the thought of a Disney character trying to sexually assault her. And the “no memory of the event afterwards” comment is just so creepily reminscent of lying, douchebag high school guys who lie about having sex with a someone and then claim that their “conquests” were just to drunk to remember their night of wild sex once they get caught in their stupid lies.

    The fact that his contact address is a P.O. BOX also doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.

    How much do you want to bet this loser has at least one Real Doll?

  33. kate

    Well y’all, he’s a dork first class but frankly who gives a hoot. I see him as rather stupid and lame, but not as scary as most of the godbags around. He’s just a limp, lame old man looking to make his life mean something.

    Except when I got to the part about ‘abortion guilt’. That was highly irritating and offensive. He ignorant.

    Maybe its because I grew up in the midwest and now live in nh that I just don’t find him quite as irritating as many of the wingnuts I see, read or hear about on a daily basis.

    If they were all as impotent and foolish as he, trying pathetically to snare some lonely woman into being his multi orgasmic sex partner, well then we’d all just be able to laugh and go on running the world.

    But I’ve seen far scarier and creepier on the net and in real life.

    He’s a little manic probably has dillusions of grandeur and won’t take his proscribed meds and will not cooperate with his psych or his therapists.

    Thus his obvious contempt for therapists and the medical field. Poor stupid old coot. There are hundreds of them languishing in the lavish land of fantasy. He can’t get any live people to listen to him and he needs an outlet to feed his ideal of ‘helping people’ so he puts up a website. Oh, we’ve better things to do don’t we Twisty than to bat at flies?

  34. Courtney Brady

    Does anyone besides me think that it wouldn’t even be desirable to have 56 orgasms in a row? Maybe it’s because I have three young children at home, but just the thought makes me tired! I also don’t like how this guy just assumes that all women want intense orgasm after intense orgasm all night long. I enjoy orgasms as much as the next woman, but I don’t want that many in one night!

    Courtney

  35. kate

    Yeah ok, like I have nothing to do tonight.

    But anyway. Courtney: Does anyone besides me think that it wouldn’t even be desirable to have 56 orgasms in a row?

    Nope and he probably has never actually seen so many either, but if I’m a poor hungry woman living in a trash heap in the Phillipines I’ll pretend to have a hundred fucking orgasms for fifty USD any day!

    That’s two bucks per scream, laugh or buck of me hips. So what. Now my kids and me can eat and I can stay off the streets and out of the dump for a coupla weeks or more. Not a bad deal. Any more stupid Americans around?

    I’ve met leacherous old men who go to the Phillipines for sport. Its a big industry, men who can’t exploit women enough here, go to find little girls, boys and women all over the third world. His mentioning of the Phillipines is what made my skin crawl.

    And he gets all feeling like he just controlled someone, like he’s powerful and all that and gets on his plane, goes back to his rent-a-week room, makes a cheese and Spam sandwich, turns on the tube and types a bunch about it on his dusty old Packard Bell.

    Of course he has to make certain artistic changes such as his poor, starving Phillipino prostitute who is transformed into one of the many eager young secretaries who work tirelessly for his wide ranging and influential research project.

  36. Hattie

    Yes, let us not forget that women are doing it with disgusting men because otherwise they would starve.

  37. Courtney Brady

    I agree Kate, I completely looked past the Phillipines reference…my bad.

    Another thing I wanted to mention is the fact that this guy (and a lot of others…it’s a common mis-conception)thinks that the only way a woman can get off is by using fingers on her clitoris. I don’t know what is considered “Too Much Information” on this blog, but let’s just say that is not the only way a woman can acheive orgasm. In fact some women have a really hard time coming that way and use a completely different technique when masturbating or getting off during sex.

    Courtney

  38. SisterJ

    “As immigrant to Oregonian I just have to say, this is a beautiful state but it is FILLED with bizarrities. [...] Don’t ask me why, I don’t claim to understand it.
    8 Magdelena, FG, Od on Feb 16th, 2006 at 11:02 am”

    After just ONE of Cheney’s beers, I am seriously understanding it:

    If you sliced North America in half (diagonally), slapped jelly on it and smushed it shut, Oregon would be touching FLORIDA. *shudder*

    Hence, they share beautiful scenery, an abundance of strangeness per capita, and plenty of Canadians. Space and time are fluid, people, Duh! (You really gotta drink one of these.)

    Anyway, back to the assbag. He left out a few words, which I can see clearly through my beer goggles. Obsherb:

    “Have her imagine she’s a prostitute [about to be arrested in VA]

    “You can’t talk to her [rescuers] if your mouth is down there”

    “Most American women [within 100 yds of me] are slow to climax”

    “They usually lubricate [their guns] poorly [and can't shoot me fast enough]

    “Talk softly into her ear [and you won't see her gagging]

    “It’s no fun to have sex with a sack of potatoes [when the potatoes won't stop laughing]

    “I proceeded to change her into various other women friends or relatives [until they formed an alliance...]

    “I once gave a partner the suggestion that she was a sex machine [so she zapped me]

    “Let me tell you, that short woman was so [accurate with her left jab] that I, (6′2″), could only take it for a short while.”

    “If she has emotional blocks to responding, she may [be alive]

  39. jami

    this guy has been with some very obliging prostitutes. lucky him.

  40. Lana

    “THERAPY FOR WOMEN: In spite of the fact this page is for men I know there will be unscrupulous women reading it.”

    Hahahahaha! So now all the women that read it are unscrupulous? Says the robot programmer.

  41. Violet Socks

    Naw, he’s just been with his hand. Him and Josh both.

  42. Sara

    Please forgive me for this, Twisty, but honestly, the only woman I can picture this guy with besides a starving, uh, I mean enterprising third world prostitute, um, I mean homemaker might be your little cross-eyed lovely in the sidebar. Seriously, I keep looking at his photo, then hers, then his, then hers…and it’s like she’s gazing at him rapturously while he hypnotizes her with his tales of conquest.

    Tell me something. All my life I’ve heard how men are these fragile creatures whose egos can be smashed irrevocably by the lightest tickle of a woman’s laughter. I even seem to recall you recently posting yet another study recently proving yet another dimension of this dogma. If this is so, then why would any man publish such ridiculously laugh- (and gag-) invoking utterances in full view of the entire world? I’m thinking — hoping, praying — that this creature and his vile spew have to be some kind of elaborate joke. Have to. You know, something like Landover Baptist, only for sex.

    Well, they are a joke, anyway, intentionally or not. And if it’s not intentional, then for all the esteem-shattering peals of feminine ridicule ensuing the Patriarchy has no one to blame but itself.

  43. wheelomatic

    I wonder if this guy will see the uptick of hits on his page and think the Internets have FINALLY recognized his brilliance?

    Would it not be a shame that all our gagging and blaming would only serve to increase this dirty sock’s over-inflated sense of place in this world?

  44. thebewilderness

    I would like to explain something here about the Northwest. You know how there is Austin, and then the rest of Texas. NYC and upstate. Atlanta and Georgia. Out here we have a rather large mountain range (the Cascades) running north/south through the middle of Washington and Oregon(or e gun) We keep most of the right wing nuts on the right side of the mountains and the left wing moonbats on the left side of the mountains. The real whackos live in the mountains. So when you hear about this sort of psycho godbag control fucktard he is clearly from ‘east of the mountains’ as we tend to say when referring to fucktard godbags and nazis.
    The patriarchy blamers have a tendency to stay nearer to the salt water. Probably so we can throw ourselves in lest this fucktard get hold of us.

  45. Kate

    Hattie:Yes, let us not forget that women are doing it with disgusting men because otherwise they would starve.

    Yes and that is more disturbing that the idiot on the net.

  46. Orange

    I know I’m late to the party, but I just can’t get the idea of potato porn out of my head.

  47. ginmar

    Crap, I think I found a link in the comments at Shake’s sis—this scumbag was charged iwth sexual harassment in 2001. Yeah, he’s quite the find. I just can’t get the image of the Mr. Potatoe Penis out of my mind. Seriously, he looks like something you’d mash, not fuck.

  1. Feministe » This Just In: Spinster Aunt’s Head Explodes

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