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Mar 07 2006

Spam, Spam, Spam, 1532 Pounds of Smoked Meat, and Spam

South Texas Mixed Grill at Ranch 616
South Texas Mixed Grill, before

mixed grill, after
South Texas Mixed Grill, after

This morning I sauntered down to my office (tripping over the dog Bert, who was eating the last guitar pick in the house and who, I ascertained when my glance out the kitchen window came to rest upon several pairs of my shoes (and a sock) sticking out of various holes in the ground, had conducted at least four midnight ninja footwear raids, collecting unauthorized matériel for his experimental art project in order to make it more… how you say…transgressif) to discover that spammers had been working overtime while I slept off the ridiculously huge dinner with which I’d previously stuffed the Twisty physique at Ranch 616, home of South Texas cuisine.

At Ranch 616, I may as well tell you, South Texas cuisine means “a quarter of a ton of smoked meat.” Despite the fact that my stomach lining threatened to call the police, I ordered the South Texas Mixed Grill, which contained, I shit you not: a barbecued chicken breast, a wad of sliced smoked flank steak the size of a softball, a smoked quail, several pounds of smoked poblano mashed potatoes, two smoked heads of bok choy, a limb of smoked rosemary, and a smoked passel of assorted smokes. I mean vegetables. All this came on the heels of a plate of fried oysters and calamari, which were not terribly smoked, but which were perfectly gorgeous, with both avocado and chipotle dip.

How I love biting into a fried oyster! The initial crunch delights the tooth while the barely-warm bi-valve corpse satisfies the epicurean’s unceasing craving for the molluscoidean ooze of the briny deep.

Anyway, the spammers I was telling you about left over 200 spammy comments—all beginning with the heartwarming “Fasinating site! I’m ading you to my favurits!” but soon devolving into the depressing “Hot teen peenis!”—-in my moderation queue. I was willing to wade through these things when their number amounted to less than 50 a day, but this, my young onions, will not do. It will not do at all. I was hoping to not have to resort to such brutally exclusive tactics, but it looks like Registration Day is upon us.

To those blamers whose brilliant commentary is indispensable—and that’s everyone who isn’t a dick-wagging 20-something who thinks he’s smarter than me—I appeal to your sense of decency and justice, and beg you to register using the handy link which should now appear in the lower right corner of the title bar (if you are using IE despite my stern and vigorous warnings, the tab might appear if you mouse over the lower right corner of the title. Maybe). The blog will send you a password, whereupon you can, if you wish, set up one of those user profiles with fake information and all that rot. This, if all goes according to plan, will keep you (even you, Mandos) out of moderation, and will send the spam to hell.

This registration crap is new to me, so if there are any problems, don’t keep’em to yourself. Not that you would.

46 comments

  1. SneakySnu

    Reporting for duty!

    Did you really eat all of that? It’s gonna take you like 3 months to digest all that meat!

    I know it’s only 9:30 a.m. EST, but the fried calimari with chipotle dip sounds so good right now.

  2. Arianna

    Boo for spam :(

    Registration seems to work fine, even in IE (I use firefox at home, but I’m at work, currently).

  3. Hissy Cat

    Hot teen peenis spam again? I know who to blame, damn patriarchy.

    I’m all signed up and signed in– registration was a breeze. But Twisty, you have no idea how cruel those South Texas Mixed Grill pictures are to someone who has been up all night working, just waiting for the humble bagel shop to open.

  4. MzNicky

    This is a Twisty test. This is only a Twisty test.

    Seems to be working for me. Anything for you, darling Twisty, even registration.

    Damn, I love hitting that little “Blame” button and seeing my comment magically appear.

  5. Vibrating Liz

    i took this opportunity to modify my name since this palce seems to have turned into a veritable House of Multiple Lizzes lately.

    The only thing missing from that STMG dish is the frisee topper. Where’s the damn frisee?? Perhaps Berto has incorporated it into his mixed media statement du jour?

  6. manxome

    Early registrants get to help dispose of the leftovers, right?

  7. norbizness

    Is this one of those deals where if you finish the mixed grill in 45 minutes, it’s free and they’ll pay for your stomach pump?

  8. Mrs. Coulter

    No registration problems for which to blame that patriarchy. Everything worked smoothly.

  9. A White Bear

    Golden puppies are great for getting things moved while you’re not looking. When I was a kid, ours was a great fan of catching birds and dismembering them all over the yard, and of ripping out newly planted hydrangeas so as to rub his belly in the cool earth. It was hard to be mad at someone who looked so happy.

    My fear of registration was similar to my longtime fear of feminism — I hated to associate myself permanently with something so much bigger than myself — but Twisty, you make everything so easy.

  10. R

    When I read the title, I had a moment of fear that you were going to be writing about the kind of spam that people can – technically – eat.

    Thank goodness that wasn’t it.

  11. Deborah

    Fried oysters are making my mouth water. I’d love to see the shopping cart sized doggie bag.

    WordPress has word filters. I can block most spam from my site without registering by blocking “soma,” “vicodin,” “viagra,” “texas hold ‘em,” and a few others.

    WordPress can block some words and hold others in moderation. I moderate “blog” because there’s a new kind of spam that just leaves the message “great blog” and the spam email is in the hyperlinked username. Unfortunately, this means everyone with a blogger or blogspot email gets moderated if they don’t register, but it’s a small price to pay. You can mass approve/delete moderated comments.

  12. peacebug

    damn spam! it’s a sign that blogs are growing up when the evildoers locate them.

  13. Dykonoclast

    A lurker registers . . . . . just because I can.

  14. Kaka Mak

    I’ll register for you any day, Twisty.

    I see your “Hot teen penis” and I raise you a “giant penis bulge,” the phrase which appeared in my Sitemeter stats today.

    Your move.

  15. alix

    Make that two lurkers. i’m usually a big fan of your plate pictures, but this one makes me think you’ll need some sort of operation involving a crane and a plunger to totally digest it.

  16. Broce

    Registration working fine. No one to blame, for once.

  17. CGG

    Spammers are a big problem on my blog too. I have to hold comments for moderation which I hate doing.

  18. finnsmotel

    That’s not a mixed grill. That’s a zoo!

  19. Mandos

    The one and only time I was in Texas, I never got a chance to eat Texas food. So these meaty concoctions are all so mysterious to me. However, I cook a lot of meat myself, but generally only in the form of curries.

  20. Kelley

    Yeah, I’m registered.

    Now, my cat and I want to know if you’re going to save any of the meaty goodness for us, or if we’ll have to trek to Austin for it? Yum!

  21. Becker

    Tra la.

    While waiting for my password to arrive in my email, I picked up the recent copy of In These Times and what do I see on the cover but the delightful masthead-kid from Bitch PhD. These blogs, they are everywhere.

  22. kathy a

    mmmm. a meal to last for 3 days! very stylish take-out container, too.

    perhaps bert’s objective is not merely art, but preparing for the acopalypse. some people pack earthquake or hurricane or bird flu supplies. bert may be storing his necessaries in his own artistic way, shattering the artificial divide between art and survival.

    or maybe he’s just bored. hard to tell.

  23. Sara

    Okay, sorry for this, but…

    When I read that the list of meats included smoked quail, I wondered if smoked Whittington would also appear further down. My feelings about not seeing it are mixed.

    And now I just hope you don’t regret letting me register.

    Meanwhile, it might be entertaining to purchase a sack of used shoes, including high heels, at the local Goodwill and bring them home for Bert to play with. It might be very interesting to see what he does with a broader selection, and to photograph the results with the Holga. It also might distract him from things you’d rather he didn’t turn into art just yet.

  24. grrr kitty

    i don’t eat shellfish, but your description makes fried oysters sound quite toothsome. “molluscoidium ooze of the briny deep” indeed.

  25. Nyx

    Happy to be a registered reader because sometimes I just gotta press “Blame”.

    formerly Fran

  26. Twisty

    While I don’t care if he digs holes, Bert is strongly discouraged from stealing my footwear, art be damned. Sadly, a dog of even Bert’s calibre is inadequately supplied in the cerebrum department to be able to distinguish between my Cole Haans and a sack of crappy shoes, so that gambit won’t work. This is a little behavior problem resulting from my chemo-related moratorium on daily exercise. It will be over in 2 weeks, but of course I could be going barefoot by then.

  27. BetaCandy

    Twisty, have you tried a plugin called “SpamKarma”? I use it on my WordPress blog, and it blocks those spams very well. I have no idea your level of WordPress expertise, but I’d be very happy to help you any way I can. Just email me if I can be of service.

    Those types of comments are from automatic scripts. A lot of mine are just nonsense (after the initial compliment), but then they link to a porn, gambling or other type of unsavory site.

  28. Princess of Cybermob

    I’m registered! Do I have to do push-ups?

  29. Sara

    “It [chemo, I presume] will be over in 2 weeks”

    Hey! Mazeltov! Are you going to do radiation after that, or will this be it for nasty post-surgical treatments? Either way, congratulations on hanging in there this far.

  30. Tapetum

    All registered and ready to blame!

  31. alphabitch

    Thought I’d register in a pre-emptive sort of way; I like to be ready, just in case.

  32. thebewilderness

    Registered and ready to blame.
    I note that the major lefty boy sites are all about how abortion being illegal may inconvenience them in several ways.
    The leading cause of death among pregnant women continues to be murder in 2005. Funny how the patriarchy doesn’t choose to chat about it.

  33. Kimberly

    Another mostly lurker signing in.

    One of the few things I really miss about Texas is the food. Big plates of smoky meat. Oysters swaddled in a cornmeal crust. Really good Tex-Mex and perfect fresh lime margaritas. It’s lunchtime here, and now I’m jonesing something fierce.

    Live oak trees. I miss those, too.

  34. kathy a

    the worst thing about a dog like bert — that is to say, any dog attached to a particular human — is that they CAN tell the difference between “the shoes of the most glorious human on earth,” and any old sack of shoes. they ALWAYS love best the ones worn by “the glorious human who feeds me.”

    so, there is an upside and a downside. i’d hide the footwear from now on, if i was you. [for what it's worth, our junior dog wrestles and then hoards any number of things -- shoes, recycling, flowerpots, pine cones, sticks, undergarments dropped between the washer and dryer... underwear ranks slightly above recently used shoes.]

  35. amaz0n

    Hurray for registration!

    Twisty, have you tried putting something untasty on your shoes? Like cayenne pepper, or Bill O’Reilly? That (well, the cayenne anyway) got my cats to quit chewing our computer cords.

  36. Artemis

    Lurker delurking. Twisty, I love you. That is all.

  37. Violet Socks

    Dang, that works real good! The registration, I mean. I hope this solves your problem, Twisty.

    Those spambots are phenomenally prolific. Just this morning I was looking at my own in-box, thinking, “How many spam-mails for Viagra can there be?” Every day I’m promised happiness for my girl and fantastic sex. Oh, and a bigger penis, too.

    Re Bert and shoes: Have you tried Bitter Apple? Perfectly organic, tastes like hell. When my dogs were puppies they wouldn’t chew anything with Bitter Apple squirted on it. I think you can get it at PetSmart.

  38. Ron Sullivan

    I hope you’re documenting Bert’s artworks. That’s what brings the revenue if he hasn’t nabbed a bunch of grants.

    I’m usually a relaxed anti-death-penalty type even when confronting a pile of greengrocer’s apostrophes, but blogspam is making me look ’round for my frog gig. (OK, it’s really Joe’s frog gig. But I bought it for him at the junior-antique store.) I have this little pissant blog that I don’t even post to every day, and most of my comments from it are spam. Ptui.

    Good thing Joe’s cooking tonight or I’d have to haul us both to the nearest barbeque joint. Smoked quail, I want some now.

  39. Burrow Klown

    I did it! It took awhile, but I figurede it out. Ugh, the meat scared me.

  40. TP

    I’m registered!

    Today I started my long and arduous task of training myself to never use the terms “abortion” or “Pro-Choice” or “Pro-Life” again, and to replace those biased and patriarchally-impaired terms with “Forced Pregnancy” or “Compulsory Pregnancy” or “State-ordered Childbearing” or anything like that; anything much much closer to the whole horror of it all. It felt really good.

  41. lexicon

    mmmm. meaty.
    this blog makes me angry, yet hungry. it’s very confusing.

  42. No Sharp Edges

    Hey, now I’m a Registered Patriarchy Blamer. Cool.

    –No Sharp Edges, B.A., R.P.B.

  43. Mandos

    this blog makes me angry, yet hungry. it’s very confusing

    Think Sylvester Stallone in the Rocky movies. “Are you hungry?”

  44. Ron Sullivan

    Well, Mandos, you took care of that inconsistency rather nicely. Thinking about Sylvester Stallone kills my appetite fast and sure. Urk.

    So, like, we’ll all punch that meat instead of smoking it now, haina?

  45. Pony

    I hate technology.

    Blame
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  46. hedonistic

    I’m in. HEH.

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