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Apr 08 2006

Public Cans of Austin: Jeffrey’s

The Soviet-era can at Jeffrey\'s
Bleakness on West Lynn: the scrumpy washroom at one of Austin’s premier face-stuffing destinations.

Sometimes Jeffrey’s is the best restaurant in Austin, so the fam took me there for my birthday the other day. Despite the fact that super-weird appetite-supressant/Texas Lt. Guv David Dewhurst was sitting a throwed roll away, I ate everything.

Jeffrey\'s famous fried oyster nachos

There were fried oyster nachos, which are storied and rightly so. These oysters appear to have mass, but are in fact composed of imaginary filaments, and as such are completely unaffected by gravity, and so must be swatted into the mouth as they float by.

Pea Green Soup

Then there was “chilled sweet pea soup” with a smoked shrimp floating in it. The pea soup part was frivolous, ethereal spiffiness-in-a-bowl, but I swore the shrimp was foot-funky, like a shrimp that has been rode hard and put away wet altogether more often than is recommended by today’s shrimpsperts. Stingray tested this suspect derelict shrimp and declared that I had my head up my ass. The specimen, she averred, was an upstanding representative of its species. It had probably won awards for citizenship and philshrimpopy. We should be throwing it a goddam tickertape parade, according to Stingray, instead of casting these baseless aspersions.

It turns out that even 3 weeks out of chemo, my tastebuds still can’t be trusted around certain crustaceans.

birthday custard

Then there were a couple of lamb chops with a cherry sauce, which were sadly sort of tough, but still way better than the frozen pizza I would have had if I’d stayed home, and some corn pone, which was poney, and finally a meyer lemon custard with a birthday candle in it, which you see above, and some tawny port. Can I get a hell-yeah for some tawny port to take the edge off a 2-hour dinner with the fam?

Then I went to the bathroom. For a joint where you can spend $150 a person without even breaking a sweat, the can at Jeffrey’s is pretty Soviet.

I am 47. Hip fuckin hooray.

57 comments

  1. Hattie

    Restaurant toilets are so unpredictable. The nicest one in town here in Hilo is in a taqueria-cum pizza joint favored by lonely old white guys. Next time I’m in there I’ll take a pic of it for you.

  2. Janeen

    Well, hell yeah, and happy fucking birthday Ms. Faster! Hope you keep having lots of them, because lawd knows, we need you to lead us in the ass kicking and the blaming. Oh, and that meyer lemon custard looks divine, and served with an orchid, no less. Cheers!

  3. Pony

    HELL YEAH

    47. To be so YOUNG

    47 is the dawn of Twisty time.

    Happy Birthday dear child.

  4. norbizness

    Happy Birthday, homeslice. Everybody’s allowed to throw a roll at a lieutenant governish asswipe for their birthday, after all. When he turns back around, hit him with a smoked shrimp.

  5. Kat

    Happy Birthday Twisty!

  6. kathy a

    norbiz said it all. happy birthday!

  7. schatze

    Many happy returns of the day. And may all your public cans be happy ones.

  8. witchy-woo

    You made it to 47?

    Happy birthday blamer!

    I love you, Twisty Faster. You’re my (slightly little) sister and I love you. Rock on.

    I am blaming as I type……….NOW!

  9. Joanna

    ……Happy BIRRRRRTHday dear Twisteeeeeeee,
    Happy Birthday to you!

  10. TP

    Happy happy happy. More port!

    That bathroom is truly a disgrace! It’s the Hi=Pointe bar mentality: If those fuckers wanted a nice bathroom, they shouldn’t ought to have used it.

  11. buttonwillow

    Happy birthday!

  12. bitchphd

    Happy birthday to one of my favorite fucking people I’ve never met.

  13. karenology

    Mmm. I am drinking tawny port now, as it turns out :) Cheers and happy birthday to the best patriarchy blamer and dinner critic on the Internet!

  14. Lauren

    Happy birthday!

    And bonus points for mentioning the throwed rolls. I got hit in the head with one of them things once.

  15. jenofiniquity

    Happy birthday to the blamer we rely on to keep our blaming radar in perfect working order.

  16. mycrust

    awards for citizenship and philshrimpopy

    citizenshrimp?

  17. sly civilian

    oh happy day for you…

  18. darkymac

    What a birthday present!
    Proxy prawn papillae.
    Stout fellow, that Stingray.

    Many Happy Returns.
    Many, many more.

  19. Cass

    happy happy birthday
    to you!!

  20. jaye

    Too bad you and the family didn’t send our Light Governor a bottle of personality when you found him a mere dinner roll toss away. If he had a sense of joy, he would have bought you a birthday dinner.

    But why ruin a good dinner, right?

  21. Kaka Mak

    Happy Birthday, Twisty.
    Te amo!

  22. Arianna

    Happy Birthday!

  23. tigtog

    Bon anniversaire ma cheri!

  24. nebris

    Happy Birthday, Aunty. xoxoxo

    ~M~

  25. AldeaMB

    A very happy birthday to you!

  26. FamousSovietAthlete

    the can at Jeffrey’s is pretty Soviet.

    Hey!

  27. ljdugan

    Hip fuckin hooray, indeed! A very happy birthday to you, Twisto. And dinner with the fam deserves a vat of tawny port in which to swim the backstroke.

  28. redneckmother

    Felicitaciones, Twisty! Long may you blame.

  29. B. Dagger Lee

    BIRTHDAY BUSH

    Our bush bloomed, soon dropped
    its fuchsia chalices. Rags
    on the ground that were luscious
    cups and trumpets, promises and brags.

    A sprinkle of dark dots showed entry
    into each silk cone. Down among
    crisp pistils thirsty bumblebees
    probed. Buds flared in a bunch

    from tender stems. Sudden
    vivid big bouquets
    appeared just before our birthdays!
    A galaxy our burning bush,

    blissful explosion. Brief
    effusion. Brief as these
    words. I sweep away a trash
    of crimson petals.

    –May Swenson (from In Other Words)

  30. B. Dagger Lee

    Actually, what seems equally appropriate for Twisty is a birthday song my friend Rachel sings to me every year. She calls, doesn’t announce who she is, and sings; it really works best left on an answering machine.

    It’s sung in a minor key:

    Happy Birthday, O Happy Birthday.
    Pain and sorrow in the air,
    People dying everywhere,
    O Happy Birthday, O Happy Birthday.

    I always erupt in peals of morbid laughter. It cheers me up immensely, but then so does Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Consider yourself phoned.

  31. Sara

    I absolutely adore your food writing. Fried oysters needing to be “swatted into the mouth as they float by” indeed! This expression on my face right now is a harsh, naked covet.

    Happy birthday! Getting older is like some kind of game where getting a high score is something to be proud of. It takes luck and skill to reach the bigger numbers. Congratulations on racking up another one. And congratulations on being able to eat your whole birthday dinner.

    Now, normally I’d throw in a chain of smiley emoticons in here to emphasize both my exuberant joy and my sincerity, but for better or worse your website would just turn them into those dopey yellow heads, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Cheers!

  32. lavalamp

    Mazel Tov and hell yeahs all ’round! Perhaps April is not the cruellest month after all.

  33. Dr.Sue

    Happy blaming birthday. May you celebrate many, many more.

  34. ykcir

    Hell yeah!

  35. Summer

    Happy belated birthday, Twisty.

    (Loved the ‘throwed rolls’ reference, but did not, in fact, love the actual throwed rolls.)

  36. roozen

    Happy belated birthday! I, too, was also born on the 8th :)

  37. Sabre

    I’m always late, dammit.

    Happy belated birthday, Twisty! You are, in short, my hero. You are everything that I aspire to be; and while I’m pretty fantabulous now, you take the taco.

    Here’s to many more years of fine patriarchal blaming!

  38. AndiF

    Another belated birthday wish. Many you have many more filled with good food, good friends and johns a damn sight better than that one.

  39. Ron Sullivan

    Happy birthday, youngster. Now I want a Meyer lemon custard.

    Did you eat the orchid?

  40. Cass

    Its very nice to know that, even if I can’t afford to eat at a particular resteraunt, at least I’m not missing anything special in the bathroom.

  41. thebewilderness

    Cheers!

  42. jenofiniquity

    B. Dagger, !
    My family has sung the “pain and sorrow” happy birthday song for about 40 years, and I always assumed it was something my dad and his brothers just made up since it’s so perfectly representative of the Finiquity sense of humor. Now I’m gonna have to find out whence it came.

  43. Twisty

    That pain and sorrow song is a hoot and a half. Thanks!

  44. Nyx

    feliz cumpleaños! Do tell which day is the grand affair so we may pencil it in for next year?
    The alien glyphs surrounding the custard are a nice touch.

  45. Twisty

    FamousSovietAthlete:

    the can at Jeffrey’s is pretty Soviet.

    Hey!”

    I said “pretty”!

  46. Jodie

    Happy birthday! Oh, I looove birthdays. :)

  47. Sylvanite

    Late to the party as usual! Many felicitations, belated though they be. I, too, enjoy making my family take me out to expensive restaurants for birthday meals. It’s the only way I would have ever gone to the Striped Bass.

  48. Jennifer

    Well Twisty, what can I say other than Happy Fucking Birthday. You’re so fine you blow my mind daily. I appreciate you for helping sharpen my mind daily. I can proudly declare myself to be an intermediate patriarchy blamer and so fucking proud of it, too.

    Sadly, I checked our love horoscope and we are not a good match.

    Oh well… (deal with it)

    I just have to continue loving you from afar.

    Birthday blessings hitting BLAME??!??!!

    Only in Twistyville!!!

    Ummmm Huummmmm!!

  49. Kat

    Happy belated birthday! :)

  50. grrr kitty

    sorry it’s late, but happy birthday to you from another Woman of a Certain Age. i hope the years to come bring you all the varmints, vittles, and public comfort stations your Twisty heart desires.

  51. Mandy

    Happy Happy Birthday you oh so young woman! Sorry I’m late but sincere good wishes all the same.

  52. Ron Sullivan

    A fairly complete lyric. Sorry if someone else posted this already, but any post directly above a Twisty reply disappears on my antiquated browser.

    I blame the Gatesriarchy.

  53. Rhus

    Late, but still:

    Apio verde tu yu,
    Apio verde tu yu…

    Congratulations!

  54. Violet Socks

    I am way late to the party, but Happy Birthday!
    Coincidentally, my brother was 47 on April 7, so I’ll say to you what I say to him every year: You’re still older than me! Yay!

  55. Annie

    belateds from me too, Twisty. Your site provides me with endless opportunities to not write my thesis, clean my house, or prepare meals other than salads…for which I am feeling mighty grateful to ya.

  56. Piig

    I should have known you were an Aries, Twisty.

    Belated best wishes.

  57. ae

    These oysters appear to have mass, but are in fact composed of imaginary filaments, and as such are completely unaffected by gravity, and so must be swatted into the mouth as they float by.

    Giving away presents on your birthday. That’s so sweet, Twisty.

    You rock. Thank you! Best happiest wishes for your birthday and many, many happier wishes and birthdays to come. A toast for you when I next raise a glass. xoxo

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