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Apr 16 2006

If I Got A Facelift

if I had a face-lift
Twisty on the (l)edge at Flipnotics, as digitally imaged by Stingray

Or: an expression of my coping skills when it comes to macabre Christian holidays.

46 comments

  1. Mandos

    You could set that to the tune of Fiddler on the Roof: “If I were a rich man…”

  2. Twisty

    This Fiddler on the Roof thing is a case for Chris Clarke, master of lyric opera.

  3. Mandos

    You know, I think it’s high time for a feminist Fiddler. It could be set in a lesbian separatist community at the beginning of the Republic of Gilead or something.

  4. Chris Clarke

    This Fiddler on the Roof thing is a case for Chris Clarke, master of lyric opera.

    All day long I’d write that silly song.

  5. Cass

    When it comes to festivals celebrating the living dead, I’ve always preferred Dias de las Muertos.

  6. Mandos

    All day long I’d write that silly song.

    While holding your pen with tongs,
    wondering why it’s wrong?

  7. Ron Sullivan

    Or some mash of Fiddler and Terry Gilliam’s Brazil, since you’re approaching the mother’s facelift there.

    Fiddler in the Ductwork?

    Just please don’t wear a shoe on your head.

    Looks as if what we’ll do to celebrate here is have an Easter Egg Float in the backyard.

  8. Esme

    I love Easter. Nothing like watching all of the talking heads on tv talking about Christianity while celebrating a spring (read: fertility) festival named after a Pagan goddess, all the while arguing that there’s a war against the holiday, and thus their devout religion, because gays want to bring their kids to the Easter Egg Roll or a mall in a heavily secular area realized which side their capitalistic toast is buttered on and opted out on a man in a bunny suit this year.

    Also, chocolate is cheap tomorrow.

  9. Mandos

    Oh, yes. Forgot about the cheap chocolate tomorrow. Must stock up.

  10. kathy a

    i’m in it for the chocolate.

  11. bitchphd

    Hott!!!!

  12. Vibrating Liz

    WOW! Look, you’ve got EYEBROWS!

  13. Cass

    I was witness to an Easter miracle this morning on the way to work… as I turned out of my neighborhood onto the feeder road, two bunnies leapt out of the bushes and crossed the road about ten yards ahead of my Toyota. (Why a miracle? While rabbits are not unknown in the Austin area, I’ve never in eight years seen them in my neck of the woods. And there’s no shortage of varmints around there.) I’m sorry to say my joyous holiday mood was shattered, however, just moments later as I sped down the Mo-Pac Expressway. There, outlined in Christmas lights on the side of someone’s house, I spotted a grisly representation of the torture and murder of some emaciated, pathetic-looking human being. Just what I needed before having my cottage cheese, and settling in for another day of patriarchal horror stories. Is nothing scared anymore?

  14. Kerlyssa

    I’m scared.

  15. Cass

    Bother. Where’s that edit button I’ve heard talk of?

  16. Marseeah

    Is that a Freida shirt you’re wearing? Where did you get it?

  17. Puffin

    If that watch you’re wearing is digital, then it is the coolest watch ever.

  18. Sara

    Twisty! You look so pretty! (Please don’t hit me.)

    As for macabre holidays coopted by the patriarchy, hey, anything for a rockin’ great brunch! Mine included but was not limited to perfectly grilled young asparagus, summer squash and fennel; red potato home fries with optional tabasco; poached salmon; cucumber, tomato and mesclun salad with nasturtium petals which I dressed with a tiny plop of the mango yogurt also set forth for our delectation; assorted fresh fruit; and strawberry French toast. Brilliant Engineer Boyfriend was equally happy with perfectly fluffy scrambled eggs and the ham ‘n’ lamb slicery at the end table.

    If this is what it’s all about, bring on the crucifixion-resurrection memorial/mutated spring planting sacrifice rituals, say I!

  19. Sylvanite

    Sara, that brunch sounds delicious!

    I’m celebrating the holiday by working my stupid pizza delivery job. It’ll probably be slow, so I won’t even make any money. Oh, sure, it’s not as bad as being crucified, but still I get no ham :(

  20. thebewilderness

    Twisty, I love that look. I do it all the time just to remind myself of how bad it would be to have done what so many of the decorative set have. It makes me laugh. No, it makes me giggle. In fact it is the only thing that makes me giggle since I was about seven. I giggled when I saw you doing it.
    I blame the patriarchy for decorative suffering.

  21. Pony

    I agree Sara. I fall somewhere between pizza and your magnificent feast: Tomato soup, croissant with tuna, olive oil and cilantro. Teo green olives. Strawberries with melted chocolate bar.

  22. Pony

    And a frigging blizzard.

  23. Vibrating Liz

    Personally, I’m a big fan of resurrection. Plan to do it myself, early and often.

    A blizzard on Easter? Poor Pony. I’ll post some roses for you,. It’s like 87 degrees here, and I’d be happy to send you 15 or 20 of those degrees if I had the technical chops.

  24. jaye

    Blood cult worship.

    Give me Rites of Spring and pagan symbols any day.

  25. scratchy888

    kill, kill, kill.

    Maybe we can all move to Rwanda and start the geno-cycle again?

  26. Sara

    Sylvanite, I had to work tonight, too. Fortunately it was so dead I got to go home early. I hope you didn’t suffer too much.

    Pony, that sounds great. Tomato soup and a tuna sandwich croissant is one of my favorite meals. The blizzard, though? Well, for that I pity you. Here everything is in bloom, and the day though breezy was even reasonably temperate. We went kite flying after brunch.

    One of my favorite ways to combat the blues of an extended winter, or even the darkness of deepest winter, is with Mediterranean fare. In for a cold, dark night? Take a cracker or toast of your choice and smear with goat cheese. Place a slice of roma tomato cut the round way, not the oval way, on top of that. Stuff pitted Greek or herbed black provençale olives into each of the holes in the tomato slice, you know, the parts where each keeps its seeds in sweet juicy goo. Eat. Repeat as necessary. .

    I think your feast approximates the same idea. I’ve come to believe that enough tomatoes and olives can see a person through an awful lot of bad weather.

  27. robin

    If she got a facelift, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da daaaa…
    All her fans would soon be so damned miffed
    Watching Twisty’s world view shift.

    (thanks tons Mandos for the “ear worm” as they auf Deutsch)

  28. Becker

    I’m actually reminded of that site wherein people scanned pictures of their cats.

    Here’s a site that’s just as much fun, and I send it with love:

    http://www.right-to-ride.org/

  29. Twisty

    To Becker: Ha!

    To the lyricists: Ha!

    To Cass: I’m also scarred.

    To Liz: I put mascara on those eyebrows, and I don’t care who knows it! They’ve started to grow back in, but they’re the palest little stupid blonde hairs you ever saw, so the effect is still one of moonfaceness unless I apply a smidge of prosthetic cosmetic. I struggled with this makeup issue, let me tell ya. But in the end I caved. I’m sick of looking sick.

    To Puffin: The watch is an 8-year-old Timex Indiglo, and it is digital. While not actually from the 70′s, it nevertheless exudes just such a vibe. You are the only person with a keen enough appreciation for excellence ever to have recognized its exceptional beauty. Everyone else has always thought it’s very ugly, for some reason.

    To Marseeah: It is indeed a Frida shirt, and it was given to me by my old homies Bob & Sherri, owners of the Way Out Club in St. Louis, which club, if you’re ever in that wretched city and feel like keepin it real, you should absolutely step into.

  30. Pony

    I wish women wouldn’t struggle with the make up issue. Do it if you want to. Women, people, have been decorating themselves with colour and scarification forever. Earliest North American Inuit women and most aboriginal people made beautiful designs on their faces (similar to the Maori) up until the 1950s. The designs were not only for beauty, but marked rites of passage. Not to mention the Bonobo family (down the street) who spend hours grooming each other.

    Twisty my friend experiencing what you are had mendi tatoos on her scalp when she was bald. I see you’re hair is growing in again. What say dreads?

  31. Pony

    Your hair.

  32. hedonistic

    I spent Easter weekend with a nonobservant Jewish member of the “liburral Hollywood elite” and did it quite sacreligiously, thankee fairy much! The uptight calvinists on my dad’s side of the family would be horrified. But they don’t read my blog. Heh.

    Hey Twisty, I met Wolfgang Puck on Saturday night, he’s got a halibut with snow peas and morels that is to DIE for. I realized it had been a good 20 years since I’d eaten a morel; my survivalist boyfriend and I used to forage for them in the virgin woods outside Minneapolis, without piggies to guide us. We planned to sell them but always ate them instead. MORELS. OMIGOD. THEY ARE SOOOO GOOD. But is there anything else that should be done to them, besides butter?

  33. alphabitch

    One spring, also near Minneapolis, the morels were so numerous that I had enough to make soup.

    Since Minneapolis is the drug & alcohol treatment center of the universe, here is a recipe in 12 steps:

    1. soak the fresh morels in saltwater to remove dirt & (mild) toxins
    2. rinse them in clear water to remove the salt
    3. chop them up coarsely (leave a couple of small but especially pretty ones whole to use as garnish later if you want to be fancy)
    4. saute an onion gently in some butter until it’s very soft & translucent and almost caramelized
    5. add morels and a couple of shallots, if you like them, and saute a while more, still gently, until the mushrooms are pretty soft (you can be forgiven if there are insufficient morels and you have to add some regular mushrooms)
    6. add some minced fresh sage, a very tiny clove of finely minced garlic (if desired) and saute briefly – you can at this point add a little white wine, if you’re into that sort of thing and happen to have a bottle open
    7. add enough broth (chicken or vegetable, whatever) – say about a quart per pound of shrooms
    8. whisk in some heavy cream (a pint or so per quart of broth)
    9. puree 75% – 100% of it and return to soup pan to heat up
    10. add salt & pepper to taste
    11. garnish with scallions or chives and maybe a tiny sauteed morel sliver and a small blob of sour cream
    12. serve with a very crusty baguette

    Another good thing: follow steps 1 & 2 above and then slice them in half lengthwise, roll them in flour and/or cornmeal and saute them in butter – serve at room temperature with a perfectly ripe avocado, a hard-boiled egg, and a baguette.

  34. Twisty

    A patriarchy-blamer struggles with makeup because she is dumb. It shouldn’t be a struggle at all to avoid it, because makeup is dumb, vanity is dumb, and eyebrows are dumb.

  35. Cass

    And saying you should or shouldn’t feel one particular way is supremely dumb.

    My unsolicited advice: lose the digital watch, keep the eyebrows, and give at least some consideration to maintaining the skinhead look. It becomes you…

  36. Pony

    I’ve struggled with this too until I did some research and found out what probably everyone knew but me: people have decorated themselves since, well, the proto-wave. Tatoos, dreads, piercings, lipstick.

    Although, to be honest, I use only lipstick, and that only since abut 18 months ago. But I’m thinking of tatoos and piercings.

    Hell yeah! I’m vain.

  37. hedonistic

    There is nothing wrong with not wanting to look sick. In fact this is the primary reason I wear a wig to work instead of being the proud skinhead I am when I am in my car or at home!

  38. hedonistic

    And alpha, thank you for the recipe, it looks yummy! I never had enough morels for soup. Only enough to sautee and eat right out of the pan before anyone else found out I had ‘em.

  39. Ledasmom

    Also check the morels for bugs before cleaning and eating. My mother once served me a batch that were inhabited, which kinda put me off morels. On the other hand, we once had an amazing omelet with morels and some sort of cheese, mild goat or cream, at a place that also had wonderful huckleberry pie.
    At the last place I worked, the new landscaping included plentiful bark mulch, which grew morels. I picked ‘em all and shared them with the boss of my boss, who was quite the enjoyer of food, and sent a few dried ones to a friend. They didn’t grow again the next year – business as usual for morels.
    I once read that there was a tremendous growth of morels in the ash of the Mount Saint Helens eruption, but that since the ash could not be removed from them by any reasonable effort they were inedible to humans, one of the unkind jokes sometimes played on lovers of the fungi by a cruel world.
    The morel’s great virtue, apart from its taste, is that with reasonable care it may be picked and enjoyed even by novice fungus collectors, as it is easily distinguishable from any other fungus. It is not flashy, but a neat and handsome fungus. And I haven’t had them in years.

  40. Mandos

    Up goes the butter, down go the morels.

  41. kathy a

    alphabitch — that recipe has me drooling. even if i have to use store mushrooms as a substitute.

    twisty — WTH? you are used to having eyebrows, so go for it. thank god you haven’t taken up my mother’s maybelline eyebrow pencil, which is possibly the nastiest cosmetic ever [at least as i have seen it applied].

  42. larkspur

    If we all had facelifts
    We could take the exta bits and
    Clone a Twisty fighting force
    If we’ve got one, why not build us some more
    A Twisty army set to go to war

    And if they all want eyebrows
    Let them paint or draw them
    Using any color that they like
    Eyebrows, shmybrows, it won’t affect a frown
    (Though the real ones keep the rain from dripping down….)

    etc.

  43. Ron Sullivan

    Cripes, if I didn’t have eyebrows no one would ever know what I was thinking, even while I was telling them.

    Myself, I use a lot more lipgloss since I got the braces. I don’t have much left in the way of lips; it’s just one of those things nobody thinks to warn you about: braces on your teeth dehydrate your mouth like crazy.

  44. thebewilderness

    Simply brilliant:
    http://www.uvm.edu/~tstreete/powerpose/index.html

  45. bitchphd

    Vanity isn’t dumb. Putting your sense of self-worth in how you look is dumb, and making your sense of whether you look good or not dependent on what other people think is dumb, but being damn proud of your fine self is awesome. I always loved what a girlfriend of mine told me one of her college friends used to say:

    My friend: “That shirt looks great on you.”
    Her friend: “Damn, woman, you think she don’t know that? She put it on because she know she look good in it!”

    I think that’s the attitude to go for.

  46. verdigris

    thebewilderness, thanks for that link. With all the roller derby talk it’s nice to have a visual reminder of just how the male gaze works.

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