My recent canine-related orthopedic trauma timeline:
Left knee, sprained, 6 weeks ago: Am sideswiped by pack of unruly dogs, one of which is Bert.
Right ankle, sprained, 2 weeks ago: Fall into hole dug by Bert.
Left knee, re-sprained, 4 days ago: Am sideswiped by another pack of unruly dogs, one of which is Bert.
Right ankle re-sprained, 2 days ago: Bert throws whole body into afflicted limb as I attempt to get out of bed, pinning ankle against unforgiving wooden bed frame while I emit helpless cries.
Right ankle not quite re-sprained, but it still hurt a lot, 1 day ago: Bertie tries to steal shoe, which is still on foot, while I snooze on couch during Oprah’s very special episode on hookers.
Left knee and right ankle re-re-sprained, 12 hours ago: Am knocked over as dog runs between legs in pursuit of dropped ice cube. Bert again!
So this morning, at dawn, I strapped on my assorted ice packs and braces, sent for my sedan chair, took him outside, and shot him.