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May 09 2006

Fuck Cute Dogs

Before I Shot Him

My recent canine-related orthopedic trauma timeline:

Left knee, sprained, 6 weeks ago: Am sideswiped by pack of unruly dogs, one of which is Bert.

Right ankle, sprained, 2 weeks ago: Fall into hole dug by Bert.

Left knee, re-sprained, 4 days ago: Am sideswiped by another pack of unruly dogs, one of which is Bert.

Right ankle re-sprained, 2 days ago: Bert throws whole body into afflicted limb as I attempt to get out of bed, pinning ankle against unforgiving wooden bed frame while I emit helpless cries.

Right ankle not quite re-sprained, but it still hurt a lot, 1 day ago: Bertie tries to steal shoe, which is still on foot, while I snooze on couch during Oprah’s very special episode on hookers.

Left knee and right ankle re-re-sprained, 12 hours ago: Am knocked over as dog runs between legs in pursuit of dropped ice cube. Bert again!

So this morning, at dawn, I strapped on my assorted ice packs and braces, sent for my sedan chair, took him outside, and shot him.

59 comments

3 pings

  1. CafeSiren

    Wait! ((Frantically waving arms)) Don’t shoot Bert! Isn’t there some way to blame the patriarchy instead of the dog? At that point, I would have no objection to extreme measures.

  2. Chris Clarke

    There are times when it’s a very good thing to weigh in excess of 200 pounds. I outweigh my dog by 150 of them there pounds, and thus he has to plan carefully to knock me down.

    Thus my advice to you: more tacos.

  3. Pony

    And a great shot it is. You really have to send this dog for obeidience training. It won’t do any good but he’ll be with other victims for a few hours a week.

    My heartfelt sympathies. You are the bravest person. Truly. With all you are going through, we don’t hear about it. You could you know. As far as I’m concerned it would be the least we could do for you. We do owe you. You know.

    I think your injuries might be related to muscle and tendon weakening from chemo. Too.

  4. schatze

    Poor Bert, we hardly knew him. I guess that leaves you open to getting another one? They all like to trip you up even if they’re too small to knock you over. My young golden is about to get shot over peeing in the house. He’s to old for this and apparently has some kind of learning disability. I warn him that if he keeps it up, he’ll be spittin’ Chicklets. He doesn’t know that he’s doing that all on his own anyway. First thing this morning, he spit out one of those torturous puppy teeth. That is a small victory right there.

  5. dogged.

    I think Bert just needs a change of scene. I recommend that you send him for a vacation in Michigan ASAP. (Failing that, have you ever taken him to the Redbud Island dog park? He will come home so tired that he won’t have any leftover energy for spraining.)

  6. Puffin

    Damn, your grass is GREEN.

  7. winna

    The Tae is fond of hip-checking me when we’re walking hard enough to make me stagger. She also has incorporated a ‘humorous’ thing into her nightly hurrah-you’re-home dance, a punch of her paw to my stomach. The first time it doubled me over, but now I’m careful to avoid the flailing paw. I’m sure she’s disappointed.

    Dogs think they’re funny. I’m sorry Bert has decided to become a comedian.

  8. Malibu Stacy

    You done shot him good, Twisty. It’s more than he deserves, to look so feisty and adorable on film after abusing you so cruelly with his canine enthusiasm.

  9. saltyC

    that picture is Fa-Bu-Lush!

  10. BCollie49

    Wait – does he know Sicilian? That paw gesture looks like what Scalia did to the press.

  11. Pony

    BCollie49

    Wow yes! And get that fuck you look in his eye.

  12. norbizness

    Oh, the irony of digging, and then occupying, one of those holes. Can I interest you in a slightly used Russian dwarf hamster named Fuck Your Yankee Bluejeans?

  13. BCollie49

    Well, Pony, if there is a Canine Press Corps dinner at the White House with Barney, I’m sure that Bertie will be material for Stephen Colbert.

  14. Charles

    Perfect timing. I leave a teary-eyed comment at Chris Clarke’s blog about his dog, then I come here to read about shooting dogs. It’s a good shot, though; I love the generalized floppiness.

  15. LauraBora

    I’m sorry for your pain, but I must admit I laughed heartily out loud at your last paragraph. GREAT shot!!!

    My former roommate had a dog (named Kenya) who was 90 pounds of Obstreperous Canine Will. Despite my low center of gravity she had caused me to fall more times that I did when I was learning how to walk. Kenya almost crushed my sternum when she decided she wasn’t 1/2 Rottweiler and 1/2 Pit Bull and was actually a Lhasa Apso and jumped on my chest while I lounged on the couch, unaware of her plans for me and my lungs.

    She would have loved to run in an unruly pack with Bert and his pals.

  16. Kaka Mak

    My favorite Bert picture ever.

  17. rumblelizard

    There are things to be said for small but mighty dogs like minpins (says the proud owner of a sterling example of that breed.) They’re feisty, entertaining, very snuggly, and can’t ankle-chop you or take out your knees from behind the way big dogs can.

    Hope you’re feeling better soon.

  18. Dykonoclast

    That’s effing sweet.

    I’d have shot it, too.

    Actually, I’d never have gotten one to begin with, but we all make mistakes.

  19. Amber

    Sucks to be you, Bert, but you got what you deserved. Oh, and everyone who thinks small dogs can’t do damage, you haven’t met my Boston Terrier. She runs with me and her favorite “trick” is to cross in front of me and make me trip over the leash. I’m naturally the most graceful person at the track.

  20. finnsmotel

    “everyone who thinks small dogs can’t do damage, you haven’t met my Boston Terrier”

    Right on.

    Our terrier mix, Murphy, is so quick that I don’t even see him when he’s shadowing me. I’m worried that if I step on him, all that will be left is a greasy spot under my sprained ankle.

  21. kathy a

    bertie, bertie, bertie!

    in my opinion, one reason cats make superior pets is that they rarely cause physical damage to the person beyond the odd scratches and occasional bouts of “trip over the cat.” also, when they dig holes, they use them and fill them.

    there are many dog fans in my house, though, and the dogs think i’m the alpha dog because i feed them. go figure.

    we babysat a golden for a few weeks once. the big galoot had the stamina of a steam train, the happiness of a birthday kid on a sugar high, and an image of himself as a lap-dog, despite his huge size.

    he taught our normally sedate senior dog the art of recreational humping [senior dog thinks this is a game reserved for goldens, so he only has practiced it in the waiting room at the vet, when a golden we did not know came in -- oh, did i get the evil eye]. needless to say, our golden friend has flunked obedience training each of the times he has attended. he is still a beautiful and loving dog, and would do fine with several acres and membership in a pack.

  22. whyme63

    Correct me if I’m wrong here, but isn’t it the usual procedure to shoot the animal with
    the busted leg(s)?

    I love Bertie’s dissmissive paw-flop in that picture. And while I wouldn’t fuck cute dogs, I can gaze a photos like that for hours. Thanks for sharing!

  23. cypress

    it’s Bert’s ears really, they make him the dashing cavalier.

    our dog is big and getting very very old, and better at lying quietly at the end of the hall, right out side my office and the bedroom door, in the dark dead of night – invisible. his fur is black, his doddery mind is wiley. his job is to know where we are at all times and to have us under surveilance. he’s a border collie cross. i call him mr. sweetheart, but his hame is bear.

    he has fabulous ears too – they always tell the story of what’s going on with him. a friend calls them party ears.

    i haven’t seen a prohibition about healing advice in the rules, so offer this to you Twisty [oh how fatefully yclept you are!]. have you arnica? slather some arnica gel onto those poor ankles of yours. it will help the tendons, etc., recover.

  24. Sara

    Did you PhotoShop that eye, or is that really how he was eyeing you as you shot this picture? I think he’s actually leering.

    So so so cute! So fluffy! So silky! C’mon, you love him and you know it. And when you are well and he is older, this won’t happen so much.

    How come we never see the other unruly dog?

  25. ae

    Beeeeeeerrrrt! Can’t.Hear.A.Word.Vibes.Of.Cuteness.Too.Strong.

    Though, Twisty, I do think Chris Clarke is onto something here w/ the tacos. They have therapeutic qualities in addition to pound-packing aspects.

    Maybe Bert needs to read the blog more, so he’ll realize cutting women off at the knees is mightily frowned upon ’round these parts.

  26. bitingbeaver

    Ahhh well, he was a cute lil’ pup *grin*.

    I’ve got 3 big dogs, 2 boxers and a Doberman pup. I trained dogs for years and so all the dogs are wonderful and have all their obedience. In fact, the eldest of the bunch has won obedience trials, he’s also been trained in handicap work and some search and rescue years ago.

    However, despite all my fancy mouthing off I am still caught off guard or sideswiped with frequency. I had a full on collision with the Dobie pup not too long ago that twisted my left knee and kept it out of whack for several days.

    And then, of course, there’s the wounds he’s inflicted while he fakes sweetness by laying on the floor in a big pile of puppy parts until I, as the unwitting victim, reaches down to pet him and he suddenly becomes a crazed ADD dog who wants to paw me to death before climbing into my lap.

    Yeah, taking a stray dog paw to the face is always a fun way of starting the day.

    Come to think of it Twisty I’m running outside to shoot mine too *grin*.

  27. ms. jared

    dogs are not my best friend.

    age two – face bitten off by st. bernard while sleeping.

    age six – face bitten off by pug while fearfully petting.

    age ten – mauled by pack (four) of pit bulls (saved in the nick of time by dad.)

    age ever after – avoid all dogs at all costs.

    you’re obviously much more resilient (and forgiving) than i! (except for the shooting part i mean.)
    xoxo, jared

  28. Nik

    Yeah, I have two cats. The newest of which has the coordination of a drunk cheerleader – all the enthusiasm, none of the skill. I have lost many prized possession to Tiny Tiger the Destroyer, not mentioned given my piano an un-needed bath. Not to mention I will never be able to sell my bed because he has figured out that he can claw his way into anything and has burrowed in the box spring. Ah, adorable pets. I think they are Satan’s spawn on earth. Yet rage as I do, I can’t help but rescind my threats of cat sausage when he curls up in my lap all cuddly-furry-purry-like. Perhaps our pets should get together and destroy eachother.

  29. Nik

    Hmmm… trying to type intelligently while working…. not so doable. Sorry for the errors, oh Twisty the Grammarific.

  30. mary tyler gore

    your dog posts make me smile.

    Last week Fox, my 100 lb “michigan brown dog” and Sophie, the 20 lb “small hyper cute black dog” that lives upstairs decided they wanted to visit china asap. Unfortunately, they started the great dig at the bottom of the deck stairs. As i bounded down the steps to play in the darkness of 5:00am, iIfell into the trenching operation which can only be described as worthy of an OSHA permit.

    I’m not sure my knees will ever recover, let alone my pride. When I looked up from my facedown position, covered in coffee and dirt, Fox promptly decided to plop down on top of me.

    Unfortunately for both of us, I thought of you :)

  31. CGG

    That dog of yours is a hadnsome little devil though isn’t he? I love this post because no one will appreciate it quite like those of us who also share our lives with pets.

  32. Pony

    I love this picture so much. I mean what’s he saying with that paw?

    Turning Left!

    Turning right!

    Feh.

    Hey the Twist. Let’s see you do this.

    I trust you’ve warned him if he tries any of that body wrecking stuff again you’ll have his balls ripped off.

  33. Hattie

    Did you really shoot him? I think people are afraid to ask. But did you?

  34. rumblelizard

    Amber and Finnsmotel: well, it’s true small dogs can do damage—my little one has attempted to kill me by tripping me on the stairs several times—but it doesn’t usually knock you down or break your leg when little dogs run into you. Also, it hurts a lot less when they step on your feet.

  35. grrr kitty

    having had both of my legs flamingofied by my 120-lb. shepherd-coonhound mix Abigail, I can certainly understand the impulse to shoot him. since I’ve let(two-legged) relatives slide for inflicting more painful injuries, I’m inclined to give the dog a break.

  36. B. Dagger Lee

    In China, because of the One Child Policy, the children are called, colloquially, “the little fatties.” So to make a playdate, a parent might say, “You bring your little fatty and I’ll bring my little fatty and we’ll meet in the park.”

    In honor of this, and also in honor of “fragrant meat,” a Korean (I believe) term for dogs–in honor of these phrases, Miss Patsy and I used to call our two dogs “the little fatties.” Alas, this became “the little fuckers”, and this is what they remain.

    I won’t tell you what the cat is called because people get upset about the littlest things.

    yrs, B. Dagger Lee

  37. Hattie

    People think I mistreat my dog, although I have never laid a finger on him. I learned my lesson with my little out of control Cockapoo that lacerated my hand once and peed all over the house.
    My present dog may be in my office but nowhere else in the house. When in my office, he may sleep in his bed. He gets two good walks a day . If he starts acting restless indoors, I put him in his kennel, where he can dig in the dirt, knaw on bones, and sleep in the doghouse.
    He is a totally, and I mean totally, problem-free dog. Not a big dog, mind you, but you have to deal with behavior problems of even small dogs. He had tons of problems when I got him ( barking and jumping, peeing in the house) and he is the proof that you can re-train a mutt.

  38. lectric lady

    Two times now I have had my left knee severely dislocated by packs of unruly dogs, including Golden Retrievers. The second time was on an island far in the wilderness of Voyageur National Park in northern Minnesota. An emergency evacuation via bumpy but speedy boat was required. All dogs survived.

  39. c.

    This has been said already but I feel that dog owners, like parents, can’t get too many compliments regarding their charges:

    Damn if that isn’t one fine looking dog.

    I have a 20 pounder of my own who, despite $2k in training fees, thinks it’s fun to pee on the refrigerator even though he has a whole yard to do his bidness in. And yet – and yet – I’d lie down in front of a speeding truck for that dog. Cuteness and boundless love and appreciation have that effect on me.

  40. ae

    Oh my god, did I mention Bert’s gorgeousness? He’s pure silk! The paw is awesome, but those devil ears. Please tell me they were Photoshopped.

    ms. jared, come visit. That’s a terrible history that deserves to be righted. My 55-lber will only give you kisses. Plus, she’s the best smelling dog ever.

  41. YeOldeGnurd

    All I want to know is what is going to happen to The Google Consciousness‘s concept of I Blame the Patriarchy when it sees a headline like “Fuck Cute Dogs”.

  42. Ms Kate

    Twisty, I think you and Bert need a trial separation. Send him elsewhere while you have somebody come and fill the damn yard holes.

    If I lived near you, I’d come get Bert and leave my kids for the day to fill the holes in the yard. So long as you had a shady place for them to take breaks and could make icy and tart lemonade, they’d work for $3 an hour each. Meanwhile, I’d take bert on a cycling/kayaking adventure. Both kids and dog would be quite tired at the end of the day.

    Seriously, though – when us parents get to the point of considering gun violence, most find a way to have some time off. Should be no different with keepers of dogs.

  43. annbartow

    After registering about 58 identities with Word Press, this is the one that allowed me a second log in. So as long as we are fucking, fuck those extraneous spaces and middle intials!

    Here’s a proposition for you, Twisty: Swapsies, Bert for my cat. My cat is that rare breed of feline who doesn’t actually groom himself. On the upside, no hairballs, because, like, no grooming with tongue, so no hair-swallowing opportunities. On the downside, kitty b.o. so bad I have to bathe him periodically. And he snores. And when he galupmhs up and down the stairs I about call 911 because no little cat feet there, he sounds like a human intruder. Unlike Bert, he doesn’t currently have any bullet holes. But he is cute.

  44. AM

    “So this morning, at dawn, I strapped on my assorted ice packs and braces, sent for my sedan chair, took him outside, and shot him.”

    Liar liar, pants on fire!

    From an amused spinster aunt.

  45. Joanna

    Jeez, Twisty, I’m worried about your knees! I spent six weeks in a cast after stepping in a gopher hole going around second base during a softball game. I second the idea of having Ms. Kate ship you her kids so you can get the holes filled.
    My cat is like yours, Ann, big enough to sound like a small child when he runs down the hall. The times we’ve collided didn’t result in injuries, but only because he didn’t hit me at the right angle.

  46. schatze

    Hattie: I think it was merely a photo safari. No animals were hurt, but photos were shot.

    We can no longer respond to a post by its number – post numbers are gone since the troubling code uprising.

  47. ykcir

    Shot a dog in Austin, just to see him die.

  48. flea1

    Oh my god, I love you so much!

  49. Tapetum

    May I strongly recommend a book?

    It’s entitled, appropriately enough “Don’t Shoot the Dog”. It’s by Karen Pryor. It’s fabulous. My kids are alive today because of it – not because I trained the dog, but because I trained THEM. Though the dog is pretty well trained too.

    Best of luck with the various assaulted joints.

  50. Hattie

    I never really thought the kind hearted Twisty could off her pup. That sedan chair gave her away.

  51. Cast Iron Balcony

    I’ve got 3 big dogs, 2 boxers and a Doberman pup. I trained dogs for years and so all the dogs are wonderful and have all their obedience. In fact, the eldest of the bunch has won obedience trials, he’s also been trained in handicap work and some search and rescue years ago.

    However, despite all my fancy mouthing off I am still caught off guard or sideswiped with frequency.

    Can’t be done – the sideswiping is done in free playtime, so even if your dog’s brilliantly obedient (like mine) (mostly) she will still sideswipe you when she’s playing chasey with her friend in the park. it’s a different “headspace”, as some people say. And you need both – I can’t stand those people who call their dog as soon as they start to play. When they;re just out walking, I mean.

    The solution is to stand next to a tree or pole as the dog/s start their game.

    My dog once brought an old man down by the whack behind the knees method. Wow, was my heart in my mouth.

  52. darkymac

    Howdy yourselves,

    The darkymac patent method for prevention of canine deep crust mining was invented by a couple of sheepdog youngsters whose cruel fate was to have been caused to be tightly confined within a half acre of lightly shaded lawn for the unconscionably long period of an hour or two each day over three days and with only each other and oh, about five hundred assorted playthings to keep them from reaching the edge of insanity through such cruel and unusual sensory deprivation.
    Such torture produced an excess of the un-hausfrau activity to which all dogs will resort in extremis; they dug for Australia. They got gold for excavation. They were world-beaters at hole making.

    The back yard, lawn one week, had become exploded landmine terrain.
    The rent agent was due in a couple of days to inspect the state of the premises.
    Us darkies looked down the barrel of a third eviction in as many months.

    Nobody who’s ever tried to rake and level compacted summer soil would have done other than what we did.
    A one metre load of sandy topsoil was dumped at the bottom of the yard ready for a bit of shovelling and barrowing the next day.

    It was observed by the second shift at lunchtime the next day that the young dogs had made more of an impression on moving the pile than the 3 husky blokes who’d been on deck all morning.
    As the pile of soil went down and the yard returned to a greenkeeper’s idea of flat, the dogs became increasingly frantic and rushed from soft filled hole to soft filled hole to try to regain some of that first fine madness of young digging.

    Thankfully, the light went on in someone’s boozy brain before close-of-business and another pile of sand was delivered.

    The agent gave us a patronising pat on the head, the dogs continued happily to move their new digging heap from one side of the back shed to the other for the rest of our residency at casa crap, without once even scratching the precious level sward again, and the darkymac patent truckload of clean soft sand has since then always been delivered along with every new pup who’s given me the pleasure of their company.

  53. Twisty

    “We can no longer respond to a post by its number – post numbers are gone since the troubling code uprising.”

    Great Scott! I hadn’t noticed this yet. This is terrible, terrible. What can be done?

  54. nursepam

    LOL! Poor you. I’m with CafeSiren. Blame the patriarchy. In fact, let’s just shoot the patriarchy and get it over with.

  55. Trichop

    I’ll take him

  56. nancy73

    Bertie looks like the negative verson of my Bogart. I’m not so fancy with the links, so if you’d like to see…

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/lydiamoto/132859512/in/set-147936/

    anyway, I concur on the increase in the taco intake. especially the really good ones with homemade guac and salsa. I suddenly have the urge to make flautas.

  57. Pony

    I give up. I have no idea how to make a taco meal, what constitutes a good basic taco, and what are the tangents and ingredients.

    This ignorance cannot continue. Taco Blamers hold forth with your favourite recipe. Please, no seafood. It not only costs millions but it took four months to get here.

    Do I buy the taco thing or make my own?

  58. Ellasgrannie

    I am new enough to be relieved that Bert is alive and well. LOL

  59. shawn

    Please! Keep the self pity in check until you hear my story. I am the permentantly drain bamaged owner of one 138lb black lab lap dog. I say drain bamage because none of the doctors, including one very good friend, can find proof of brain damage. This drain bamage is caused by the undeniable fact that I am surrounded by tetesterone inflicted critters.HELP ME! My dog, if you can call him that, truly thinks he is a cat. He was raised by the only other female in a house of 9, 3 male children,16,14, and 8 years old, 1 husband,35 years old, 1,3 three year old species confused dog, and 2 male kittens. The only other female in this house is my cat, mother of the kittens. Can you say AAHHH!! My dog sincerely thinks he is the size of the cat and acts like it, he hops into our laps from the center of the room causing severe leg and hip damage where ever he may land. He also of the mind that he can jump into our arms when we are in a standing position,(ever been hit by a wrecking ball?) I am 5’2″ and he stands a head taller than me on his back legs, this leads me to lying supine on the floor more times than I wish face. I have found him and the cats sleeping on and I mean literaly on my 8 year old, the only thing visible of my son is his face, this has me worried of him accidently sufficatng the child. I have had many bruises and knots in muscles I didn’t know could cramp and time and time again there have been crutches involved. I truly believe that removal of the tetesterone producing body parts may be my only recourse.(Now to find the vet that doesn’t know the difference between dogs,cats,and teenagers.)

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