Popular cartoon character Ned Flanders is transubstantiated into evil Munchkin
Prisons appear to function chiefly either as rugs under which honkys enjoy sweeping the displeasing detritus of patriarchy’s failure, or as iconic repositories of polite society’s magnificent vengeance. Still, there are moments when even I must admit that the notion of a hitch in the hoosegow is not without its appeal as a fitting fate for certain choice deviants. Those Enron dudes spring to mind. The odd Nazi, religious zealot, or American president who cannot control his addiction to mass murder. Rapists. The chucklehead at the end of my street with the atomic leaf-blower at 7 am on Sunday morning.
And of course, the above-pictured charmer, a convicted child molester.
You’d think, given the fantastic mandatory sentences handed down for stupid crap like drug possession, that a conviction in a case of sexual assault on a little kid would naturally incur a bid in the bastille. The idea of imprisonment, when scrutinized by persons with an aversion to child rape, presents few flaws. But the pokey was not to be for this dude. In fact, although anyone with two brain cells to rub together can see at a glance that the guy is a total perv, he was given probation instead.
Why? He’s 5’1″.
Here’s how it happened: Cocking her head, the judge, gavel in the air, thought she heard something. A sound, a dulcet vibration, a gentle murmur floating on a placid breeze from the penitentiary. Was it?—yes! Yes, it was! The refrain wafted from the throats of a thousand felons gathered for their weekly singalong. It went: “Don’t want no short people/ Don’t want no short people/Don’t want no short people/Round here.”
“I truly hope,” said the judge (who has a gambling problem) to the mini-perv (whose problem needs no introduction), “that my bet on you being OK out in society is not misplaced.”