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Jun 05 2006

Blaming Takes A Quasi-Holiday

Bert

Bert in future HQ

Frog

Frog

The quick-witted reader will have perceived that, recently, somewhat fewer posts than usual have oozed forth from my poison pen. One may be wondering what the heck. The heck is, it’s summer. Time for the spinster aunt to pry her hiney up off the lime green recliner and get with the aestival program. And by ‘aestival program’ I mean the building of new headquarters at El Rancho Deluxe and looking at frogs. As these endeavors must be pursued far beyond the reach of civilization’s clammy tentacles, I’m afraid this means a lighter posting schedule for a while. It is a severe blow, I realize, but I have every confidence that you will find a way to cope. I suggest liquor and drugs.

Meanwhile, I saw a commercial on TV last night wherein a hot skinny woman in her 20s takes a tiny ladylike bite of an ice cream product and pretty much has an orgasm. She closes her eyes and is contorted by some kind of sexy rapture attack, presumably because the ice cream has unlocked the mysteries of her G-spot for the first time. Fatty frozen desserts made from tortured factory livestock have that power over women.

I wish regender.com worked on video. The idea of a commercial where a male model ejaculates over a tiny ladylike bite of cheap ice cream makes me laugh and laugh.

38 comments

2 pings

  1. Hogan

    Of course I’m disappointed, but those frogs aren’t going to look at themselves.

    (I’m sure with Bert pitching in, that construction will be done in twice the time.)

  2. E.

    “Aestival” is one of my current favorite words. Good luck with that construc.

  3. robin

    There is so much to hate about commercials of the sort you describe. It is so infantilizing and condescending to show women writhing in ecstacy over a little morsel of some chocolate crap, ice cream, yogurt, what have you…(“squeal, sigh, oh, OH OH” – over a freakin’ piece of pathetic candy for goodness sakes.) The coy, smarmy wink wink nudge nudge aspect of these commercials is just insulting. Although I do like certain dark chocolate, I really hate the creepy little cult of “women’s chocolate obsession” which, according to vast bandwidths of media opinion, is to be found without exception on the second X chromosome, making every woman become at once stupid, sexually aroused, furtive, laughable, babyish and greedy upon the slightest exposure to chocolate deserts.

    Is that a whole new house going up or what?

  4. jc.

    I´m assuming that Bert is standing in a “before” picture and, hopefully, not an “after” picture.
    Glad that your summer has good purpose.

  5. Sara

    Good for you! Enjoy.

    Hey, did Bert dig your new foundation?

  6. CarolS

    All right, I know it’s been said before, perhaps even ad nauseum, but that Bert is one fine-looking dog.

  7. schatze

    Orgasmic eating was noticed by my spouse many years ago in the form of dessert mixes, probably Betty Crocker cakes. It wasn’t women taking dainty bites, but men working a forkful and stopping just short of a Meg Ryan’s Sally saying ” Yes Yes YES!”. Unlike the movie, it tends to make us not want what she’s having because it looks so stupid.

    As for the construction all I can say is you are one lucky woman because all a Golden wants to do is help. Maybe you can Photoshop in a toolbelt and hard hat for him next time. I see he’s scoped out his command center. Good Dog.

  8. Mandy

    What a blessed animal that Bert is. Just one hell of a looker with lots of style. Yes, best of luck with the construction. Looking forward to whatever it turns into!
    Have a wonderful summer, everyone!

  9. thebewilderness

    There is a gum/breath mint commercial that has the same ‘nudge, nudge, wink, wink,’ thing going on. The sub text being “candy, little girl” will get you laid. Creeps me out. What about the children? Shouldn’t they be protected from these ccandy for sex commercials. Where are the wingnuts when you need them?

  10. livia

    Robin, the chocolate fetish pisses me off too.

    It presumes two things: women fetishize food, because we worry about our weight all the time, and women find a cheap sugary foodstuff to be the ultimate sensual pleasure.The first one just serves to reinforce the notion that we *should* fetishize food because it’s what “normal” women do, and the second infantilises us.

    I’d be delighted if people would stop *giving* me chocolate when I’ve told them that I don’t really like it. What, do they think I’m in denial? Give me a damn fine St Emilion or ten quid’s worth of smoked salmon instead!

  11. Betsy

    So annoying.

    BTW, I wonder if Eileen can fill us in on any interesting rebuttals or letters to the editor in her local newspaper as a follow-up to last week.

  12. cypress

    Is there some equation to be found in the relationship of the supposed orgasmic response to a teeny bit of something that could in fact taste good, and exposure to other teeny tiny things [e.g., XY body parts] that are supposed to pack the big O for women too?

    IBTP!

    Nice colour in that slab of concrete!

  13. Hogan

    Re: Eileen and the Littleton Courier:

    If you go here and click on “comments to this article” (under Extras, to the right of the third paragraph), you’ll find fourteen righteous asskickings administered to the editorial board. That’s some good blaming.

  14. radfemlezzie

    Wow, that’s one palatial doghouse. :)

  15. lcgillies

    Ah, jeez, thanks for the regender pointer…how about (from today’s google news):

    Trying to reconnect with her conservative base in the run-up to a pivotal mid-term election in November, President Bush again stated her support for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on Monday (June 5).

    or

    The US media presented only a snippet from the speech of Supreme Jurisprudent Alice Khamenei of Iran on Sunday, in which she threatened to damage oil supplies to the West if the US militarily attacked Iran.

    Alice Khamenei—that’s cookin’ with gas!

  16. mel

    I am going to miss the poison pen, *sigh*. It helps with my aggression. One taste of it and I’m outta my mind.

    I do love chocolate. It IS better than sex. I only make those faces when I eat it alone, though. The older you get, the more you realize that food is IT.

  17. slade

    So does this mean I am going to spend my summer washing down valiums with icy, fruity, and maybe chocolatey cocktails?

    Hey, mel….I know what you mean about the food thing. IMHO….fondue is better than sex….but I only eat that in the winter when it’s cold outside.

    BTW, anyone notice that tomorrow is 6-6-6. Hope the good folks come out ahead in the California (and other states, I believe) primaries. Go Francine!

  18. jaye

    Valium helps so much and i don’t have to look for a bottle opener.

    How did the Ohio speech thing go? Anyone heard?

  19. hedonistic

    Folks, I’m off the key lime martinis and on to the lemon creme liquer in the espresso. Haven’t slept in four days.

  20. norbizness

    Stay cool and hydrated; as you’re well aware, we started summer (as usual) two months early! Fuck you, sun!

    I assume the Communications Center patched into the low-earth-orbit Satellite tracking Hill Country hole-digging progress will come later in the construction.

  21. Ms Kate

    I take it Bert finished his artwork and you are merely embellishing, no?

    When do you get the wheels on and the aluminum skin and hitch installed?

  22. scratchy888

    Ah yes, eating nibbles of tasty delights is sublimated sex for repressed Puritans.

  23. Edith

    Food is better than sex. Even Lean Cuisine, of which I am a fan. That means I either have really poor taste in food or have had really bad sex. I think it’s probably both. Well, isn’t that depressing. Word up on the liquor.

  24. slade

    Hey, jaye….

    I believe the Ohio speech thing is a week from tomorrow….or today….June 13. And…those slimey legislatures can change their minds at any time and say…’we ain’t in the mood to hear about your fucking reproductive rights.’ And they will change the day to hear witnesses. Goddess, I hate Ohio. Yet, I am determined to turn Ohio back to the Blue State it once was.

    Or I could become an employee of a Chemical Conglomerate and take it upon myself to put nasty ‘anti-seaman’ oxidizers in the Olentangy and Scioto Rivers thereby eradicating all spermies and……well……

  25. Sylvanite

    The funny thing about chocolate is that three of the biggest fans of the stuff I know are male. One of them once ate 2 1/2 pounds of Hershey’s Special Dark in one sitting. Dumbass.

  26. hedonistic

    My biggest chocoholic friend is also male. And, incidentally, obese.

    I love the single piece of Dove chocolate before bedtime. I do not pantomime an orgasm while eating it.

  27. Violet

    And while we’re on the subject of “I-scream”, have you ever noticed how popular culture, particularly Hollywood, uses ice-cream to convey the single, heterosexual status of its female characters? I’ve lost count of the number of films, books and TV programs that include a scene where the heroine (and/or her homely, dateless gal pals) sit around in their jammies binge eating designer ice-cream while moaning about their love lives (or lack thereof). This is what a woman supposedly does when there isn’t a man around to legitimize her worthless existence – revert to infantile habits like spoonfeeding herself ice-cream straight out of the container, and indulging in other maidenly habits like watching chick-flicks and painting her nails. Our heroine, the feisty assistant DA may be prosecuting the serial killer of the century the following day, but notice how she can still manage to fit in a “girls night” on the eve of her big trial. This way, we know that she’s not really a man-eating ball breaker, but an old fashioned Cosmo girl at heart with a weakness for sweet, gooey things.

    Notice, too, how men in these kinds of films do all their hetero-buddy bonding in basketball courts while dressed in shapeless, grimy gym clothes (presumably to ward off the homoerotic gaze of the viewer who might otherwise put his own sexual orientation in jeopardy if confronted with a group of hot guys with visible bulges, sweating it out together on the big screen). Hollywood male characters have to talk and dribble a ball at the same time, or else the audience might think they’re gay.

  28. Summer

    I’d like to see the stupid Lean Cuisine commercials combined with the stupid food orgasm commercials in an “ooh, this 8-calorie-salmon-orzo concoction is totally rocking my socks” kind of way. And then maybe a dude could be sitting in the corner of the kitchen, watching (and, of course, enjoying watching) the food sex and eating a big, greasy pile of hamburgers. With awesome ideas like these, it’s really surprising Madison Avenue hasn’t snatched me right up.

    Good luck with your construction, Twisty. May your wood remain unwarped, your nails straight, your back strong, and your drinks stiff. (Please pardon any phallic imagery there. I was being sincere.)

  29. Twisty

    I appreciate the good will, Summer, but I don’t want anyone to think for a minute that I am actually building this structure myself. No. I stand around on the sidelines, watching my money evaporate.

  30. deciduousfruit

    I wholeheartedly agree about the chocolate=orgasming woman crap. I don’t like chocolate and if I had a dollar for everytime someone gave me a quizzical look when I said as much, I’d retire now. However, recent new developments in the world of candy advertising must be brought to light. I recently spotted this one (while doing drugs and drinking at the beach) on cable tv and couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

    http://www.milkywaybar.com/tvspots/index2.html

    Not only does it turn the chocolate=sexual comfort around on men, but it just happens to do so by making an alluring foreign woman into an edible confection!

  31. Erin

    I’m dealing with the withdrawal by alternating episodes of “Frontline” with episodes of “Jeeves and Wooster.” Also I’m eating risotto with spinach, parmesan, pancetta, and raw egg, a la pasta carbonara. I have yet to hit the booze – we’re fresh out of fizzy wine – but I have some really good lemonade in the fridge.

    When Bertie’s done building your house, could you send him up north? I’m sick of renting. Will pay in the chew toys of his choice, with bonus ass-scratching for on-time or early completion.

  32. Sam

    “I don’t like chocolate and if I had a dollar for everytime someone gave me a quizzical look when I said as much, I’d retire now.”

    That sums up my experience. Once I was called unAmerican for admitting my dislike of almost all forms of chocolate; I don’t think liking Snickers really counts as liking chocolate but others have disagreed.

  33. Mandos

    I find it bizarre when anyone expresses dislike for a food I like, or, conversely, like for a food I dislike. There must be something defective about them that they cannot experience the wondrousness that I can. Or that they can experience wonder and enjoyment at something I don’t—must be perverted in some way. Consequently, there must be something defective about people who claim not to like chocolate, because I like chocolate.

  34. Christopher

    The only food that gets me really worked up is the birria de chivo at the local mexican joint. Really great place considering it’s located in a strip mall in the intersection between suburbia central and eastern hicksville.

    Oddly, the refried beans they serve are terrible.

    Anyway, I saw an add a couple of days ago that freaking blew me away.

    Basically, there’s a man and a lingerie-clad woman in bed, and the man is taking photographs of her.

    Then the voice-over comes up and says, “If you’ve managed to convince her there for your ‘personal collection’ you’re a Mitchum Man”.

    I mean, holy bajesus! I thought I was jaded, but, I mean, wow.

    That one left me speechless.

  35. Ron Sullivan

    Southern leopard frog. nice.

    Also nice new HQ. Looks well ventilated. Nice work crew there too. Love them constructin’ blonds.

    I like chocolate just fine, and that includes a range from good ol Hershey’s — maybe because I grew up 10 miles from Hershey, and on the right day with the windows open I could smell it in my schoolroom — to all that nice dark purist stuff. Now I live in the same town as Scharffen Berger, after all. I’ve long thought that the secret foundation of our relationship (aside from the sex and birds and all) is that Joe is a man who appreciates chocolate and I’m a woman who appreciates beer.

  36. hedonistic

    totally off topic, but very funny. Did you miss the Rapture yesterday?

    http://limedforthetruth.com/?p=58#more-58

  37. Ms Kate

    Rain date: June 6, 3006

  38. RadFemHedonist

    My annoyance is that apparently men get the positive therapy and privacy of masturbating to orgasm, and our pleasure must be public and have the downside of possible ill health, I don’t eat chocolate in the bath, I masturbate in the bath (and in bed, but I was making a point about flake ads) then there’s all the phallic chocolate bar stuff, gluttony is fun though, I do like chocolate, also fruit, cheese (which is seldom penis like… visually I mean:) and anchovies, olives, apple danishes, etc… honestly I’m an orgasm lover though, I’d prefer that to a last meal, maybe the second to last thing could be a meal…

  1. Liberal Serving

    Regenderizer…

    Lets be honest. Part of why I’m posting this grab of a Regenderized Liberal Serving is to take another look at Mary’s (near-)scandalousness. Aside from the de-gaying of oh Mary, regender makes my blog more sexist, not less. (Proof of…

  2. easyVegan.info » Blog Archive » From the mouths of blamers…

    [...] – Twisty Faster: gentleman farmer, spinster aunt, patriarchy-blamer [...]

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